Please read and offer advise!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Please read and offer advise!!!!
5
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:33am
OMG I am really upset & confused so instead of doing anything eratic I am standing still! Okay so here it goes: Me & my ex broke up over a yr ago. When we broke up he said he needed time to get over the hurtful things that I had done to him when we were together. It was a valid reason b/c I was really awful @ times! Anyhow in that year I never really left him alone. I'd always call & we would hang out & he would be like I love u but I'm still not ready. He is not a player at all & in this whole time apart he hasn't been w/ anyone & neither have I 4 the most part. Anyhow, he came back in April after I finally left him 100% alone for 7 weeks. He was like he loved me & finally got over the pain, etc. Soon enough marriage came up again & he was like how he feels I haven't changed b/c that is still all I want. Ultimately we broke up 2 months later b/c he said the feelings were gone & that he needed 2B alone right now. I was like u do this sh*t 2 me again? He said he loved me but needed time again. I was devastated b/c I really gave tthe relationship my 100% the 2nd time around. Anyhow, we started talking again in August & he said he loved me & felt that with time he will be able to be with me. He expressed how it wasnt easy for him but he needed to do this. We decided 2 try & be friends but I would call him & yell about why he hadn't called & he would flip out b/c he was like why cant ub patient & not rush things. Anyhow, I pushed & pushed 7 he was like 4get it all. He was like I want nothing 2 do w/u ever again! This is common when we fight. I was hurt b/c we went from talking all the time through out the day & seeing each other to I ruin his liffe leave him alone, we could never be! Anyhow, last week we started talking again. He called me everday last week & we hung out. He was bothered when he found out I was talking to a guy from his gym. He was like why do u do this when u know we will be together. He would call me non stop last week and when I didnt answer he interrogated. When we hung out he hugged me tight & spoke of our future together, etc. Then when he left he called to just say hi! He said he noticed how much I have changed & he feels that things are better now. I dont go crazy now with certain things & blah blah blah. So Friday we spoke & he was like he'll call me later & it's Wednesday & no call! I want to call & be like WTF! but I feel like he is expecting htis of me. It's as though this is a test to see if I really have changed. He always claims that I never give him time to make a move & now look! I know if I call him, he will be receptive but what's his deal? What should I do? Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 1:32am

I honestly think that the relationship in unhealthy for both of you. You both need to know yourselves better and be by yourselves for a while, NOT talking/calling or anything. Take it on like you are no longer ever going to be together. You need to realise that you don't have to be with someone even if you have been with them for ages. My ex was a lazy so 'n so, he took all the time and never put anything into the relationship, but I stayed (we lived together too) with him for 3 years, after much deliberation, thousands of excuses for not going and thinking i was still in love with him, i decided to cut all ties and to leave him. It was hard, but i learned what i want, who i was and lots of other things too. Now i'm with the most amazing guy who is totallly in love with me and 110% committed to me. If i had never let the past go, no matter how hard, i would never have met him.
Thats not to say you guys aren't going to be together ever. You just need time to find yourselves, on your own, You cannot be in a healthy relationship if you don't know what you want, you aren't happy and don't know how to be happy by yourself. Never rely on any guy or another person for your own happiness. Besides, if you are happy and comfortable with yourself, you usually attract the guys you actually want.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 7:06pm

i agree that you two have a very unhealthy relationship. from what you posted, it seems like you two really know how to push each others buttons, so you do it just to aggrevate each other, then it just gets smoothed over. it seems like ya'll don't talk about it, you just forget about it and take the next day as it comes. i've been in a place like that, and it doesn't do any good not to talk about things. i feel that you two really do need to spend some time apart, no talking, no touching, no anything-cut all ties. it's really the only way that you'll be able to figure out who you are and what makes you happy. it will be hard, and it will suck really bad, but give yourself time to heal and explore life in your own eyes, not you and your bf's eyes. before you can make anyone else happy, you have to be happy yourself.
this on again off again probably isn't going to work out either...i've been there, still sort of am, but this is about you...um, you and he ultimately need to stop pushing and just let things be the way they are. everything happens for a reason, and good things come to those who wait...
about the marriage thing-i DEFINITELY would hold off on that until you two really know what you want. and if you love someone, set them free, if they come back, then it's meant to be. dont want to be married just for the sake of being married. marriage is supposed to be about love and respect, a companionship. you two should complement each other, not supplement. you really honestly have to be friends before you can be lovers.
with that, my advice is that you two take a long needed break away from each other to just regroup and get to know you for what you are by yourself, not as a couple.

best wishes and God bless

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 2:01am
just be patient and let him get in touch with you he may be testing you and now isn't the time to fail the test! Have you ever heard the saying "if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours. If it doesn't it never was." Well that applys here I think. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 6:13pm
Your reply was one to really admire. I am in a marriage and love him deeply. I need advice on one I posted. It is about my friend breaking up a marriage. I just learned about ivillage. So I am still learning the ropes. My marriage has had to have alot of work and commitment. To this day we love one another but we still have to be honest and work hard at our marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 6:27am

i think ur guy is very insecure and affriad of comitment on some level...and no one would have taken what he have done for u but u did caz. u love him...but love isnt everything so take a moment and think of what is best for U and what makes U happy caz. u cant live like this for ever..how much more are u gonna take?? if u really still love him give him a last chance but explain that this is his last and that he have made ur life so out of order by his in and out relationship..if done again go and find ur real soulmate..
P.S: u can try couples theropy which i think will be very useful for u guys.

GOOD LUCK