Please read!!!! I need serious advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Please read!!!! I need serious advise!
26
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:37am
OMG I am really upset & confused so instead of doing anything eratic I am standing still! Okay so here it goes: Me & my ex broke up over a yr ago. When we broke up he said he needed time to get over the hurtful things that I had done to him when we were together. It was a valid reason b/c I was really awful @ times! Anyhow in that year I never really left him alone. I'd always call & we would hang out & he would be like I love u but I'm still not ready. He is not a player at all & in this whole time apart he hasn't been w/ anyone & neither have I 4 the most part. Anyhow, he came back in April after I finally left him 100% alone for 7 weeks. He was like he loved me & finally got over the pain, etc. Soon enough marriage came up again & he was like how he feels I haven't changed b/c that is still all I want. Ultimately we broke up 2 months later b/c he said the feelings were gone & that he needed 2B alone right now. I was like u do this sh*t 2 me again? He said he loved me but needed time again. I was devastated b/c I really gave tthe relationship my 100% the 2nd time around. Anyhow, we started talking again in August & he said he loved me & felt that with time he will be able to be with me. He expressed how it wasnt easy for him but he needed to do this. We decided 2 try & be friends but I would call him & yell about why he hadn't called & he would flip out b/c he was like why cant ub patient & not rush things. Anyhow, I pushed & pushed 7 he was like 4get it all. He was like I want nothing 2 do w/u ever again! This is common when we fight. I was hurt b/c we went from talking all the time through out the day & seeing each other to I ruin his liffe leave him alone, we could never be! Anyhow, last week we started talking again. He called me everday last week & we hung out. He was bothered when he found out I was talking to a guy from his gym. He was like why do u do this when u know we will be together. He would call me non stop last week and when I didnt answer he interrogated. When we hung out he hugged me tight & spoke of our future together, etc. Then when he left he called to just say hi! He said he noticed how much I have changed & he feels that things are better now. I dont go crazy now with certain things & blah blah blah. So Friday we spoke & he was like he'll call me later & it's Wednesday & no call! I want to call & be like WTF! but I feel like he is expecting htis of me. It's as though this is a test to see if I really have changed. He always claims that I never give him time to make a move & now look! I know if I call him, he will be receptive but what's his deal? What should I do? Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 12:33pm
It seems as if he is playing games with you and is almost trying to get revenge in some weird and twisted way by toying with your emotions. If he is really interested, he wouldn't wait this long to call you. You definitely have a right to be upset cause he is taking so long but my advice would be for you to give up on this relationship and find someone who is not interested in playing mind games and doesn't need a lot of time to think about whether he wants to be with you or not. Why don't you call him up and let him know that you are no longer interested in playing games and if he is not interested in starting up a real relationship with you that it is better for both of you to go your separate ways.
BABY #3!!
 
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:25pm
You are absolutely right! I actually did just call him and he said he was mad at me because I ran the promotion that we worked on by one of his competitors. I was like yeah ok. Then I was like since I did a favor for you last week regarding your promotion I need a favor so come by tonight to talk. He was like how tonight he has something to do but how was Saturday, needless to say I was infuriated. We hung up b/c he was running into the gym and he is supposed to call me back. When he does I will tell him what you said. I am really tired of his BS! I know he will try and turn it around like he usually does but he can go screw himself. He gives me availability on Saturday? Mind you it's not even important stuff that he needs to tend to rather hanging out with his friends. I'm 26 and way too old for this. I am really upset though and I just want to crawl under my desk and cry. I am so hurt and disappointed with all of this back and forthness. I guess he is really not that into me. I just don't understand how he can be this way when we had so many dreams of the future together and even now when I see him he still acts like those dreams can come true when i reality all he is doing is feeding me lines to keep me on the side in case nothing better comes along. Great now I'm crying : (
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 1:52pm

Okay, now exz, you know I have to say this and I'm not just saying it to be the big B...

Just how many times do you have to touch your hand to a red hot burner before it dawns on you, "Ouch, that frickin' hurts."?

Ever heard the expression, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

Don't be surprised when this ends badly AGAIN.

IT's BEYOND time you just stuck to your guns kicked him to the curb and let him stay there. Love is supposed to feel GOOD not like an episode of the "Young and the Restless".

You need to treat this guy like the toxic addictive substance he is and drop him like a bad habbit. Face it you're are in the EXACT same self-destructive emotional cycle addicts go through. Your drug of choice is just a person whose bad for you instead of a substance that is. Your just as addicted and fuel by the same blinding need to fill a hole inside you with something outside yourself. The problem is you created the hole and only you can fill it back in.

In all seriousness, talk to a professional counselor it can help. I know it helped me a lot when I was with the Anti-Christ. Helped me realize that I couldn't fix what was broke inside him and that even if I could have it wouldn't have made either of us happy. Love just isn't about the drama and that relationship was all about the drama just like you and this guy.

I know you're smart and I know you do know this isn't good for, but knowing it and doing something about it are often worlds away and there is no shame in asking for help to bring those two things closer together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 4:30pm

I'm sorry you are going through this but once you realize that the only way healing will begin is by letting go of what is hurting you. Yes, it will be extremely hard to accept the fact that the man you envisioned your future with will no longer be there but know that there will be another better man to take his place who will not make you cry or keep you wondering whether or not he wants to be with you.

The hardest part about a breakup is giving up on the relationship but once you do and realize that you deserve better the healing will begin and you will start feeling better. The best way to cut off contact with him is by changing your phone/cell numbers so that he can't call you anymore because all it takes is for him to call you once to setback your recovery process.

Instead of focusing on all of his good qualities start focusing on all of his BAD qualities and all the times he has hurt YOU. Forget about the past and about how you hurt him that is irrelevant now. Like I said before it seems like he is trying to treat you like you claim you treated him and you shouldn't allow him to do so.

I wish you luck and hope you have enough strength and wisdom to realize that you can do so much better and start loving yourself more by letting go a person that is hurting you. He could do extreme damage to your self-esteem if you continue to have contact with him and allow him to treat you this way and it will affect your future relationships.

BABY #3!!
 
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 5:27pm

You are so right... I wanted to say it but have been trying to get it out the right way. You hit it right on cue.




































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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:14am
Thanks to all. He and I had a huge blow out last night. He said I stress him out and I ruined his life. He was complaining because when he gets stressed he has nose bleeds and he got one I was like oh damn well!!! You make my heart bleed. SO much crap was said yesterday. Bottomline is that he is no good for me and I have to let go but its just so damn hard. I hate him for having me fall in love to only leave me emptier than I was when he first came into my life. It's all so unfair!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 12:35pm

"I hate him for having me fall in love to only leave me emptier than I was when he first came into my life. It's all so unfair!"

Wake up call. Life isn't fair.

He didn't leave you emptier or make you emptier or force you to fall in love with him or make you take him back all those times or make yoou behave the way you have or make you FEEL what you feel. You have CHOOSEN to ALLOW those things to occur.

Until you suck it up and take responsibility for your life AND your feelings you're going to keep making bad choices.

The only person who can fill the emptiness you feel is you. Moving on to some other guy wont fix it and getting back together wont fix it you have to fix it on your own. You have to take a long hard look at YOU and figure out it takes to fill that hole. And finding love isn't the answer. Quite the contrary you wont find real, meaningful, lasting love until AFTER you've filled that hole.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 3:58pm
I feel like I work backwards. My sister gives me similar advise and I tell her yeah because your happy on the other side. Youhave a dream house, a great career, a great husband, and a beautiful baby. It's easier when you sre on the other side. I think we could all agree on that. I dont think I did it to myself at all. When I met him I didnt want to love he tried his hardest as he says to make me love again and when I did he flipped the script so yes, I think I am right in saying that I hate him for doing that. It's all a mess so it's so pointless either way : (
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 4:13pm
So what did you two decide to do? Are you going to continue to work at it or did you give your final goodbye to each other?
BABY #3!!
 
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 4:31pm
its like a messy divorce I feel like. I told him yesterday to tell me that he would never be with me again and that it was not a matter of time but a definite and he was like I cant say that. His mom called me yesterday, we were extremely close. She found my coats and wanted to give them to me. She was like to pls give her some info that she needed so I called her today. She was like I know you are perfect for him but he is acting foolish now. She was like I want us to remain friends despite him and I was like of course. I said this because she is so phenomenal! I love her dearly and we always thought we would be like mother daughter. I know I should cut all ties but she doesnt even live with him. I ran it by the ex b/c I didnt want to make him feel uncomfortable and he was like okay yes you can do that. My ex texted me today and I am trying to keep it strictly business. I just feel like I cant be with him right now and I wont fool myself and sugar coat it, it is what it is. Sigh!

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