Please read!!!! I need serious advise!
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Please read!!!! I need serious advise!
| Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:37am |
OMG I am really upset & confused so instead of doing anything eratic I am standing still! Okay so here it goes: Me & my ex broke up over a yr ago. When we broke up he said he needed time to get over the hurtful things that I had done to him when we were together. It was a valid reason b/c I was really awful @ times! Anyhow in that year I never really left him alone. I'd always call & we would hang out & he would be like I love u but I'm still not ready. He is not a player at all & in this whole time apart he hasn't been w/ anyone & neither have I 4 the most part. Anyhow, he came back in April after I finally left him 100% alone for 7 weeks. He was like he loved me & finally got over the pain, etc. Soon enough marriage came up again & he was like how he feels I haven't changed b/c that is still all I want. Ultimately we broke up 2 months later b/c he said the feelings were gone & that he needed 2B alone right now. I was like u do this sh*t 2 me again? He said he loved me but needed time again. I was devastated b/c I really gave tthe relationship my 100% the 2nd time around. Anyhow, we started talking again in August & he said he loved me & felt that with time he will be able to be with me. He expressed how it wasnt easy for him but he needed to do this. We decided 2 try & be friends but I would call him & yell about why he hadn't called & he would flip out b/c he was like why cant ub patient & not rush things. Anyhow, I pushed & pushed 7 he was like 4get it all. He was like I want nothing 2 do w/u ever again! This is common when we fight. I was hurt b/c we went from talking all the time through out the day & seeing each other to I ruin his liffe leave him alone, we could never be! Anyhow, last week we started talking again. He called me everday last week & we hung out. He was bothered when he found out I was talking to a guy from his gym. He was like why do u do this when u know we will be together. He would call me non stop last week and when I didnt answer he interrogated. When we hung out he hugged me tight & spoke of our future together, etc. Then when he left he called to just say hi! He said he noticed how much I have changed & he feels that things are better now. I dont go crazy now with certain things & blah blah blah. So Friday we spoke & he was like he'll call me later & it's Wednesday & no call! I want to call & be like WTF! but I feel like he is expecting htis of me. It's as though this is a test to see if I really have changed. He always claims that I never give him time to make a move & now look! I know if I call him, he will be receptive but what's his deal? What should I do? Please help!

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If he loved you and this was a "right" relationship, it would happen now. There would be none of this nonsense about needing time and waiting. What is he waiting for that he thinks will make him ready? Honestly, he sounds like he might have a psychological condition. I don't mean that to sound cheeky, I am serious. My ex suffered from generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and a little agoraphobia for fun. Also had a fear of commitment AND a fear of abandonment. So it took me seven years to realize that I was not content with a guy who was perpetually "not ready for marriage" and also "unable to get close to me - emotionally or physically". I know he's there - I know you've invested a lot of time and emotion in him - but he's not right for you. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and no BS.
They say "any man who makes you cry isn't worth it...and the one who is won't make you cry." Believe it. When you find the right guy, you'll be blown away and you won't believe you actually thought you loved this whacko.
First, I'll warn you when people say things like this to me it really touches a nerve and the gloves come off...
What, you think I've never had my heartbroken or been hurt. You think my life, or your sister's for that matter, has always been just peachy and easy. That's a bunch of BULL. I worked hard to make my life this way. I put in the time, the effort, the self-examination and kissed a butt-load of frogs to find the life I have today.
So you can just step off with that my life is a bed of roses bull. I EARNED the life I have. I didn't sit around crying in my beer and making the same mistakes over and over. I took a long hard look in the mirror time and time again and when I saw something I didn't like I worked my butt off to change it.
And it makes me sick when people who REFUSE to take responsiblity for THEIR life and THEIR feelings try to make it out like the road I took to get where I am was a piece of cake and I ahve it soooo easy and they've got it soooooo much harder then I do or did. That's just a crock and a crutch and a feeble excuse to continue to whine and do nothing.
So, please enjoy your addictive cycle and continue to do nothing and ignore good advice and make excuses for yourself and the state of your life, but please don't minimize and trivialize my pain or struggles (or your sister's) by acting like people who have what you want had it easy and didn't have to work for it. We did, it isn't our fault if you choose not to.
FIRST of NICKI slow down. I wasn't being nasty. That's not my nature. I too have been in bad relationships and walked away. I have made hard decisions to close chapters in my life like that with my ex fiance of 5 1/2 yrs. It's not that I am saying I want to continue this cycle at all it's just that this cycle was different. I dont choose to be sad and hurt. When I am without him though it hurts even more. So yes, it's very difficult either way for me. I know it was easier done for me in the past when I needed to walk away but for some reason this time it seems so impossible.
Anyhow, as far as the last poster....you're engaged to the guy who was like me and my ex? How did that happen? Congrats!
Okay, now don't take this the wrong way because it may just be a matter of misinterpetting your writing style or something, but...
Do you have split personalities or something? :) In one post you seem perfectly rational and lucid and in another you come across as having a totally addictive personality and big time needy and clingy. Like I said maybe it's just your mood at the time or the words you choose or soemthing. But anyway...
I guess the thing I don't get is what makes you think this cycle IS any different? Is it because he comes and asks you to take him back? Maybe he even lays a guilt trip in there to make you feel like you owe him another chance since he gave you one? What's so different? Why can't you break free of THIS cycle?
I can guarentee it isn't because you love him so much more then the others. Though I'm sure it might feel that wya to you. But I can promise you there are other feelings at work here that are preventing you from escaping this cycle.
As far as not choosing to be sad and hurt. Well, there I guess we have to agree to disagree. I do believe we choose how we feel or at least we can excercise some degree of control over HOW LONG we choose to continue to feel that way. No, you can't just shake off every feeling in a few minutes and some will obviously take longer then others but I do think we can CHOOSE to excercise some control and make a conscious effort to change our feelings by rationalizing them or by simply distracting ourselves until the worst passes.
I believe this because I do it all the time and I don't consider myself to be special or gifted so I tend to believe we all can do it if we want/choose to. Oh and to be completely fair there have been plenty of times when I choose not to myself, at least in the short term. We all need a good wallow now and then.
<< first of all, your guy appears to call all the shots and pushes your anger buttons. Is he stepping on your bounderies?? Do you have bounderies to keep yourself grounded?? >>
Regarding "pushing buttons" ... something my former counselor said to me once resonated like a drum and I've never forgotten it. She said "of course he knows how to push your buttons, he installed them." Think about that for a second. If we allow people to install certain buttons and "triggers" ... we are allowing them to CONTROL certain emotions in us because they "figure out" what will set us off and turn it around to put themselves in a position of control. Then, the "blame game" begins. Lesson learned: don't allow people to "install those buttons" and they won't be able to push them. It means taking a stand for yourself.
Secondly, regarding boundaries ... boundaries are not rules. Boundaries are something you set for yourself ... and only YOU can can step outside of or violate those boundaries. And yes, we all need boundaries to keep ourselves grounded.
I'd have to agree with exz, Nick, although you have experienced it all, I think you've forgotten what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and torn to shreds. She doesn't have a split personality, jeez, she's going thru a rough time. I'm sure there are days she's more than happy to walk away and knows she needs to be strong to do just that, and there are days where she's sad, scared, and wants her guy in her life. So of course, she's going to ACT strong one day, and ACT nutso's the next day. For many unemotionally controlled women (like yourself), that's how it is.
If you could control your emotions, all of them, then you'd never be like exz, so there's no point in even giving her advice you know nothing about. I honestly dno't believe we can CHOOSE to stop feeling a feeling, however, I do believe we can CHOOSE to move on from certain feelings....when we're truly ready. but you can't force yourself to feel something. you can act all you want, but in the end, deep inside, it's still just an act.
EXZ, my advice: ask yourself, what is this r'ship truly about? is it love? is it a future
you want with him that is keeping you around, verus the reality of today? what is soooo different about this one, that you can't end it? Sometimes, our hearts want stupid things. sometimes we follow our hearts, other times we follow our heads. It does seem like you and your xbf are at a stalemate. I would have to agree with many of the posters that you BOTH still need to do a lot of maturing in the area of r'ships. I JUST realized, all the harmful things I did to my xbf, and how it hurt him and our r'ship. I can blame him for his actions, but I see now, over half of it is my own fautl.
i.e. you getting upset that he's not calling. well, chill out, relax. life doens't revolve around you, nor all your emotions. i think he is palying games, whether he realizes it or not. and you are on the receiving end. however, there are many things you could do, to make things easier, like handling things better. he expects you to overreact, you do, he walks. this will continue until he stops expecting it from you, you stop doing it, and you both never subconsiuosly think it again.
I think it's time you two called it quits. If you truly feel like you two should be together, the time isn't now, but it can happen, like the other poster. I think you BOTH need to do a lot of growing up (maturing) before that r'ship can be healthy. I say, take a break from him. no friends, no contact, nothing. and i mean, a LONG break. i honestly believe that if it's meant to be, it will be when the time is right. it's not right, right now.
hugs. it's never easy to end a r'ship, be it good or toxic. I think you know what you need to do, I just don't think you're ready. One thing I've learned from all these ppl who talk about their issues on the boards.......you're no going to do anything anyone says, until you're ready.
Just because I don't allow my emotions to spiral out of control and because I choose to use logic and good judgement to prevent my emotions from spiraling out of control doesn't mean I don't experience them with great intensity.
I remember quiet well what it felt like to lose someone I love, to not have them love me the way I wanted them to and that was about eight years ago.
I remember all to clearly what it felt like to have my feelings and good nature turned against me and used to manipulate me and keep me trapped in an abusive cycle. I remember feeling like I was losing my mind. I also remember pulling myself out of my funk and ending that abusive cycle with the help of a therapist and the support of friends and family and coming to ivillage.
Just because I refuse to condone it when someone is allowing themselves to stay in a bad relationship and is exhibiting self-destructive behaviors doesn't mean I can no longer relate to what they are going through. Quite the cotrary I remember and relate all too well and HATE to see good people hurt themselves and mess up there lives becasue they refuse to take responsibility for their choices and feelings. Becasue I know just how painfull it is and I know how hard it is to forgive yourself when you realize, ultimately, you have no one to blame excpet yourself.
No. I'm not the touchy feely, there, there you poor dear you just have yourself a good cry and complain and do nothing about the problem type. Call it tough love or being a hard-ass or whatever. But I think exz knows that's how I am and she can block me anytime if she gets sick of what I ahve to say. Yeah, I know she's going through a tough time right now, but she's a lot tougher then she realizes and she can get through it and personally I don't think she needs to be coddled through it.
So exz if I'm wrong and you are offended or you do want to be coddled, you just go right ahead and block me or call me on it, I certainly wont be offended.
I just call it like I see it. Sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes I'm right.
And I'm certainly not going to stop offering my advice or my point of view just because I'm not the type of person who let's herself dwell on the past or because I don't choose to allow my emotions to spin out of control and overwhelm me and cause me to make bad decisions. I did at one time and I learned from that and now I think I'd be horibbly selfish to not share what I gained with others and I think it would incredibly wrong for me to say that it's okay to let yourself be overwhelmed by feelings and not at least try to change that and learn how to control it.
Like I said I'm nothing extraordinary, if I can learn to do it anyone can. It would be remiss of me to let someone think they have no power, no control over themselves when I know from personal experience they can.
Absolutely anyone can find the happiness I've found, everyone can experience what it's like to feel confident in yourself and good about your life. For me it took a lot of life experience, about a year in therapy, and learning to surround myself with good people. But I'm nothing special we each have to find our own way but we can all achieve the ultimate goal: being happy with ourselves.
First, I never said NOT to give her advice, NOR to coddle her. Post however you want.
The BIG reason for my post was I felt that you asking if she had a split personality or something, because of her posts, was truly uncalled for. Maybe I shoudl've just reported it, I don't know. I would rather not.
And as I stated last time........posters will only change, when they're truly ready to make the best decisions for themselves, regardless if it hurts. What we say, can help, however, it won't make them do what we feel is best for them. Therefore, let's not call them schizo, shall we?
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