Please read!!!! I need serious advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Please read!!!! I need serious advise!
26
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:37am
OMG I am really upset & confused so instead of doing anything eratic I am standing still! Okay so here it goes: Me & my ex broke up over a yr ago. When we broke up he said he needed time to get over the hurtful things that I had done to him when we were together. It was a valid reason b/c I was really awful @ times! Anyhow in that year I never really left him alone. I'd always call & we would hang out & he would be like I love u but I'm still not ready. He is not a player at all & in this whole time apart he hasn't been w/ anyone & neither have I 4 the most part. Anyhow, he came back in April after I finally left him 100% alone for 7 weeks. He was like he loved me & finally got over the pain, etc. Soon enough marriage came up again & he was like how he feels I haven't changed b/c that is still all I want. Ultimately we broke up 2 months later b/c he said the feelings were gone & that he needed 2B alone right now. I was like u do this sh*t 2 me again? He said he loved me but needed time again. I was devastated b/c I really gave tthe relationship my 100% the 2nd time around. Anyhow, we started talking again in August & he said he loved me & felt that with time he will be able to be with me. He expressed how it wasnt easy for him but he needed to do this. We decided 2 try & be friends but I would call him & yell about why he hadn't called & he would flip out b/c he was like why cant ub patient & not rush things. Anyhow, I pushed & pushed 7 he was like 4get it all. He was like I want nothing 2 do w/u ever again! This is common when we fight. I was hurt b/c we went from talking all the time through out the day & seeing each other to I ruin his liffe leave him alone, we could never be! Anyhow, last week we started talking again. He called me everday last week & we hung out. He was bothered when he found out I was talking to a guy from his gym. He was like why do u do this when u know we will be together. He would call me non stop last week and when I didnt answer he interrogated. When we hung out he hugged me tight & spoke of our future together, etc. Then when he left he called to just say hi! He said he noticed how much I have changed & he feels that things are better now. I dont go crazy now with certain things & blah blah blah. So Friday we spoke & he was like he'll call me later & it's Wednesday & no call! I want to call & be like WTF! but I feel like he is expecting htis of me. It's as though this is a test to see if I really have changed. He always claims that I never give him time to make a move & now look! I know if I call him, he will be receptive but what's his deal? What should I do? Please help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:43pm
It wasn't meant to be taken as a serious question. It was meant to illustrate the dichotomy of her posts. Which is why I prefaced it by saying "Don't take this the wrong way". Apparently you just decided to take it the wrong way for her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 10:56am

I just wanted 2 give u all an update. However, B4 that I wanted 2 say that I don't have a split personality I'm just all over the court w/ emotions. I know nick91171 is a tough ass advise giver & so am I but when it comes 2 me it's so different. I have no heart left after all of this. Inkeddogmom, I just want 2 say thanks. I feel the both of ur offering gr8 advise just each does it in a different way. I read inkeddogmom's post & literally had tears streamind down my face. The pain is just so real!

On Friday, I officially ended it. We fought on the phone & I gave him a piece of my mind. I never fight like I used 2 w/ him b/c I used 2B real Ruthless but I was so fed up & just blurted out $hit. I said how I don't understand how his mother could have birthed such a rotten low life underachieving person like him. I was like ur so unreflective of the beautiful & loving person that she is. As u should all know, me & his mom are friends. She feels that he should marry me & tells him this constantly. She sees me 4 who I am & knows how much I love her son & sees ALL of the things I have done & continue 2 do 4 him!
I actually was supposed to go to her house on Friday to pick up some clothes that I have there. I havent spoken to her that much lately but she was like I love you and want you and I to stay friends. I was kind of hesitant and ran it by the X and he was like fine do what you want so I agreed. The thing now is that my x's uncle was rushed to the hospital on Friday and is dying supposedly. I feel like it's not my place but if I dont show face what kind of person am I. I mean this man was an uncle to me as well. So now what?

Anyhow, he & I fought & he was like how he hurts everyday since we broke up. Then he was like how could I have said that about him & his mom. I was like oh well deal w/ it. All of a sudden he was all hurt yeah right! We went back & forth 4 the whole morning. He would call me & me him & then I found out about his uncle b4 he did so I told him to call home. Anyhow I told him 2 tell me that he will never be w/ me again ever. He was like I am not psychic & I dont know that. I said say it!!!!! He said right now I can not be w/u. So I screamed @ him & was like would u just say it so I can walk away 4 good! He was like well I know u & that is the only way u will stop this madness right now so FINE! I will never be w/u again! I said gr8! We're done & don't ever call me in ur life! Then he has my bracelet that I gave back & he was like that he will not sell it b/c I will never forgive him if he did & it means 2 much 2 him 4 him 2 sell it. Yeah right! As if I mean anything 2 him. I feel so empty & destroyed inside. I feel like if I would have just waited for him to call instead of jumping down his throat I wouldnt be crying now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 1:30pm

I know it doesn't feel this way, but crying now is better then crying a hundred times more and continuing to torture yourself.

Love is a weird thing. Sometimes two people love each other very much but they are just horrible for and too each other. That's the two of you. And I know it doens't feel like it right now and it may not entirely feel this way for a long while but there is someone out there that you will love and that will love you back and it wont be toxic like this is.

Make it your mantra if you have to, but he's poison to you. He's your crack cocaine. He's the thing you love that will drag you into a bottomless pit if you give him the power too. And whether you believe it or not you do have the strength to make this the last time you "end it for good" and him saying it's the last time wont change a thing unless you've really made up your own mind that this is the last time. You have to find the strength to do what is good and healthy for you and that's moving on and breaking all contact with him, including his family.

Staying in touch with his Mom is just a mistake. I know it hurts to lose not just him but other people you feel close to associated with him, but you need a clean break you don't need to keep one foot in the door. It's like quitting the crack and keeping the crack pipe or giving up the drink with a liquor cabinet full of booze it's just asking for trouble and preparing yourself to be weak and give back in to the addiction. You're stacking the cards against yourself.

The folks that gave us "He's Just Not That Into You" have just come out with a new book. I heard about it on the radio just this morning it's called, "They Call It a Breakup Because It's Broken." Rather fortitous don't you think? I haven't read it, but something tells me you should.

Oh and just for the record, I never actually thought for one second you had split personality disorder, bipolar maybe... Just Kidding! :) Trying to make you laugh through your pain. :)

I know there really isn't anything anyone can say that will make the hurt go away; but, if you let it and him go, it will with time. It always does. The healing process just kinda bites sometimes. Try to be good to yourself, distract yourself, try to think about other things and get out with friends and let yourself laugh. The pain might come back but give yourself a break from thinking about it as much as you can. Shove the thoughts away as often as you can. Keep yourself busy with things that require a lot of focus. It'll help.

It's just like physical pain you may not be able to make it go away completely but you don't have to give it your full attention. When you stub you toe really good and you yell a few choice explictatives and then continue what you were doing the pain subsides pretty quickly because you aren't consiously thinking about it. If you sit down on the floor holding your foot thinking or saying "It hurst. It hurts." It just makes it take longer for the pain to go away. Emotional pain is more or less the same, the less attention you give it the less intense and lasting it is. The more it hurts the harder you have to work to not think about it and the longer it takes before it heals and you don't think about it anymore except to occasionally remember, "Wow, that REALLY sucked."

I think maybe this is a better way to describe what I was talking about earlier when I said you can change how you feel. It isn't really so much changing it as kind of making it go away at least for a while and getting a break from dwelling on it and allowing yourself to feel happy even though there's this other part of you that still kind of hurts, you're just ignoring it and giving other happier thoughts and feelings a chance to happen too.

At least that's always helped me and eventually my feelings really do change as the hurt starts to fade more and creep in less and happier things are given more time and attention. Just try to give happy and optomistic a fighting chance even if only for 60 minutes a day at first.

Oh and try not to give in to fatalistic thinking like: "I have no heart left." Don't be rediculous of course you have a heart left. Sure it might feel a little like you don't. But even articulating that thought let alone writing it down just gives it more weight then it deserves. Certainly you don't really believe that this horror of a relationship is the best you'll ever do? I don't think you believe that. I think you're feeling it right now, but you don't believe it. I'm not saying you shouldn't write down your thoughts and feelings but you may want to consider printing them and burning them as well. Sort of a symbolic, I'm throwing out all these destructive, self-defeating feelings.

Maybe try the old letter writing trick even. Write a letter to him and tell him everything, but don't send it. Pour out every conflicted thought and feeling you've got. Then write a letter back to yourself from him that is the realization of everything you would hope in your wildest dreams he would write back and then write yourself the letter that would be your worst nightmare. Cry and ball your eyes out until you think you don't have another tear in you. Then burn them all. And understand that even if you're worst nightmare letter came true you've still got you and you can still move on and heal and get better and find better.

Even your worst nightmare isn't really your worst nightmare because as long as you're alive there's always a chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 7:31pm

All I can say is, I'm so sorry, and please, do NOT beat yourself up over this guy. Yes, you had hurt him, maybe even made bad choices, take responsibility for them, but by all means, you are not responsible for the demise of this r'ship. He chose his path. He can't trust you, but expects you to wait for him to come around. That's wrong.

Also, I would suggest you not stay in his mother's life, it will only make things harder. Many times, mom's love the girls, and they want us to marry their little boys, but the problem is, their little boys, are just that. BOYS!!! And mom doesn't see that. All she sees is the good heart he has, but she doesn't see his hurtful actions. He's hurt you A LOT MORE than you have hurt him.

Be strong. Let him go. I know it'll be hard, but once you get beyond facing the truth he's out of your life, the easier it'll get. Move on. If it's truly meant to be, he won't keep you hanging onto HOPE. Instead, he'd give you something concrete, like a real r'ship that includes forgiveness.

Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 11:59am
So I saw his mom yesterday b/c I went 2 pick up some coats that I had over there. At 1st I saw his brother & he was very sweat which I was suprised about. Then he invited me in & offered me dinner but I declined. A couple of minutes later, his mom walks in & she hugged me tight. She commented on how beautiful I look & blah blah blah. We spoke about how I have 2 have emergency surgery tomorrow & she was like 2 please keep her posted. Then she asked what was up b/w me & her son. I really wasnt expecting that since she said she didn't want 2 get involved. I said that it was now really over. She commented about how her son told her that he told me we were done. I was like what?! I told him & I told her how it happened. She was like yeah he always says one story & then I hear the real one from u! Then there were someother things he told her half ass like usual so I clarified. She said that he wants to move back home & she wishes that he would I agreed. I told her how he was all calling me non stop last week & texting me as well as visiting me & then flipped out. I changed the topic & we were just b.s.-ing. Then I was leaving to the Dr & she said, "I just want u2 know that I know he loves u w/ all of his heart & that he eventually wants 2B w/u but I dont know what he's doing." I said I dont know anymore about him I doubt it. She showed me her new car & hugged me tight & was like 2 call her 2day 2 let her know about the surgery & that was it, I left. I don't even know how I should feel. I still feel down. I have so many questions running through my head. I just dont understand why he was calling so much & persuing me 2 weeks ago & then nothing. why?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:10am
So how are things going for you?
BABY #3!!
 
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