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Possible?
| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 3:54pm |
Is it possible to know without a doubt that you want to marry someone and raise a family, but not want to be with them until it's possible to even start building towards that? I mean, I know everyone has different ideals regarding relationships, and some are more conservative than others. Most people tell me that It's impossible to love someone yet have a desire to be with another. Isn't desire part of human nature? Simply put: I have feelings for another man, but they are not like the feelings I have with my boyfriend. I know that I want to marry him and have a family. I don't want that with anyone but him. Just thinking about it gets me all girly and teary eyed because nothing would make me happier than making a home and a family with him. But, right now, I'd rather spend my time with someone else that I have a sort of crush on. Soemtimes, I feel as though I should enjoy myself now, and that I shuldn't take a relationship so seriously since I know what I want later. (I'd take it now if I could have it. financially, we are unable to even move in together, and that really really stinks, because even if I had that, I don't think I'd be so restless.) But then I freak out and think "what if this is the beginning of me falling out of love.." and that scares teh crap out of me.
things were so much easier before labels were put on. why do you think that is?
things were so much easier before labels were put on. why do you think that is?

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faerieeyes...
PG's 2 cents...for whatever they're worth.
It's EASY to fall in love with someone at the beginning of a relationship. Or admire a person who has no idea about your feelings.
But once you make the decision to "forsake all others" in favor of marriage, FWB or some other co-habitational arrangement....you have to accept the flaws along with the perks in order to keep the relationship SOLID!
It's amazing the 'sides of partner' that most of us refuse to acknowledge at the beginning of a relationship.....that suddenly 'emerge' after a few months of living together!
Pianoguy---who learned the above all too well...after spending close to 4 years with "the girlfriend from hell!"
"people tell me that It's impossible to love someone yet have a desire to be with another. Isn't desire part of human nature?"
Yes of course it's possible to love someone and "desire" someone else, it IS part of human nature more commonly refered to as a crush or lusting. I know it's possible. I'm married. Happily at that. Yet I desire Aragorn from LOTR to ravish me silly! Desires and crushes and lusting are a part of human nature. HOWEVER, control and the ability to not act compulsively are also.
Ultimately this is a choice. Do you desire enough to risk ending all chance at the fairytale you invision? OR, is your BF and the future you dream of worth just not going there. You're human, you're not a dog in heat. You have the ultimate control.
Understandably, I can't go bed every hottie that looks my way. That in itself isn't even something that appeals to me. I don't have a desire to date around, or find someone else. I know without a doubt that I want to raise my family with Aaron. He and I have different ideals on relatioships. i.e, he thinks it's okay to want to spend every day together, I stress the importance of just the opposite. I'm also pretty liberal in a relationship, and would very much welcome the idea of an open relationship. I know who I love, and nothing's going to interfere with those feelings. I don't love him any less, and I don't second guess our future. At the same time, sometimes I just don't want to be in a serious relationship at the moment. He expects me to put him at the very top of my priority list, as he does with me. I, however, cannot do that. Sure, I put moving our relationship forward up there, but seeing him is a different story. Lately, I'm bored, and I'm sick of always having to be the one to figure out what we are going to do that evening. we talk several times a day, and by the time we see each other, there is nothing left to talk about. I don't know how to remedy it. It's gotten to the point that is seems like he is just asking me pointless questions just to ellicit conversation. i.e, last night he has asked me if I had seen any of the Law and Order Trial by Jury episodes. I told him I hadn't but that I had thought they were like 2 hour miniseries. He then proceeded to ask me what they were about and who was in them, and what the show was like. (we had just seen a commercial for the DVD's.) I guess I am just wanting to know if my restlesnes within the relationship is just that, or if it's something bigger. The past couple years have been really difficult and really on and off for us. Mainly because I keep running away. In all honesty, I don't want to wait until he gets his act together. I want to get married and start a damn familty already. I don't want to start a married life 10 years from now. It's gotten even worse lately, cos almost ALL of our friends are getting married next year. I guess I'm just pissed that things aren't going the way I had planned. (for the record, we'd be in a house by now if he listened to me, and took an amazing job offer I had to pull teeth for.) Or, maybe it really is all just me, and my strange resemblance to Borderline Personality Disorder. That's pretty much my life in a nutshell.
how do you know if what you though was meant to be, isnt? Is it possible I've stayed this long out of habit?
other x-posts yielded the response "it suonds like you dont want to be in a relationship."
grr. maybe I just need to stop bothering everyone on here and go to a shrink. I feel like such an arse hole because I can't dote on my man teh way he does on me.
I really don't deserve him.
"Is it possible I've stayed this long out of habit?"
It's not only possible, but from the more you say, it's highly probable.
"I feel like such an arse hole because I can't dote on my man teh way he does on me."
There is a big distinction that you are missing, expressed in this sentense alone. You can dote on him the way he does you, you just choose not to. Let me repeat that: you CHOOSE not to.
I really suggest you go back and read that whole big long paragraph, because you contradict yourself. In one breath you say you want a family with him, and in the next you say you don't want to be in a serious relationship. You want to move on and be married, but then say "I keep running away" from what will get you that. It really really sounds like you don't want the family and future with him, but you have been with him so long and he tells you you do, your friends tell you you do, your family tells you you do, society tells you you do, whomever it is, they're telling you that you do, when really you don't. Evidence in that is that you keep running from it. It also sounds like you're just about terrified of real intimacy (not talking sex, sex is not intimacy), the giving of yourself to someone else fully. This turmoil you're in, it may be frustrating and annoying to you, but it's a frustration and annoyance that is comfortable.
I think maybe seeing a therapist is a good idea. Not for your relationship with Aaron, but for your own personal difficulty with true intimacy.
Faerieeyes, you are so wrong about what he wants being unhealthy. It's simply DIFFERENT to what you want.
Some couples do live in each other's pockets and have perfectly healthy, happy relationships. Other couples agree to have more separate time and also have healthy, happy relationships. Just because you don't want what he wants - does not mean that he is wrong. You are just different people looking for different things in a relationship.
What I really don't understand is why you want to marry this man and have children to him eventually. You already know that he'll want to be around you 100% of the time and you already know that you'd hate it. Why would you want to put yourself in this position?
Are you expecting him to CHANGE? If so, you're being unreasonable and unfair. He is who he is. You must accept him as such or move on.
First off, this is all merely how I feel. To call it wrong is to be subjective. The same way you say we both want different things, is the same way you and I view things differently.
I do not expect him to change, however, I do expect him to become a little more independent, and that's it. The way I was raised, the man shouldn't be dependent on the woman, the woman should be dependent on the man. That is something I do not agree with. I feel that both parties be equally dependent and independent of each other.
There IS a problem if one person feels so dependent on the other that they need to ask what to do in situations that should require an independent decision.
Does he really need to ask me what route to take to meet me somewhere that he's been many, many times? Does he need to ask me to ask someone else if he can come by their house? Someone he's perfectly good friends with and has the ability to contact himself? Does he need to ASK me if it's okay that he comes over to HIS friend's house?
Wouldn't you feel a bit strange if your man sat at home all day waiting for you to call. If he didn't socialize except with you and YOUR group of friends? If he felt he needed your approval to do ANYTHING?
That's my point. We butt heads because he doesn't have a problem with that, and feels that I shuold act the same way. I offer up a compromise, and he doesn't even want to talk about it.
He chooses to alienate himself from others, then holds it against me at times because I don't do the same. He says relationships involve sacrifice, I agree. But sacrifice to the extent that you give up everything except that relationship? I think that's a bit extreme.
I'm an all or nothing kind of person. It aggravates me that we are unable to even afford a place together. and that still won't happen any time soon. We never butt heads when we are together. it's always due to miscommunications on the phone, or online. BUT he always assumes I know what he's talking about. (he says one thing, but means something different.) And he feels that I should understand and feel the same as he. we love each other the same amount, my love for him grows every day, as much as my aggravation with me needing to be the final say in everything for him..
for once, I'd just like him to wear the pants, and take charge. Be independent for once and not rely on me to get him out and social. I just want him to BE social, and make relatioship decisions too. I can't remember the last time he decided on where to go for an evening.
I ask him if there's something I do to make him feel he needs to clear everything with me before making a decsion, and he says no. Then later he'll say it's not worth talking about, cos I'll just get mad. Yes. I have a temper, but he doesn't understand that it aggravates me when he doesn't talk about what bothers him. It's all a communication issue, and it stinks.
Why I want to marry him? Because I love him dearly. I want a family together. I want to spend all my time in OUR home with OUR family, cooking US dinner, and just being around him.
I just can't stand doing it now, in someone else's house that smells like cat piss 24/7. I don't want to have to go spend the night with my man in a LIVING ROOM in someone else's house that is not even my friend.
Can anyone understand that aggravation instead of telling me I am super wrong?
Five years of having to rent motel rooms so we can be alone for a night, five years of having to reach him on someone else's phone. five years of never once being able to cook him a dinner.
And I'm wrong for being aggravated? I don't think so.
Havent' you ladies ever gotten restless?
I don't understand...why do you think he's going to change? After five years, he's clearly shown you who he is...he's not going to change!
You're not 'wrong' for *wanting* him to be different, but you're not realistic if you think he's going to *be* different.
You either need to accept him AS IS, faults and all, or you need to move on.
Sheri
faerieeyes...
At the risk of "messing with your eyelashes"---Pianoguy is going to ask you a rather blunt question:
"Why ask an ivillager for an opinion on your situation....if you're going to get "defensive" when any of their thoughts come out negative?
It's kinda dumb, don't you think?
You've gotten several excellent responses to your post, but they're obviously NOT the ones you WANT to hear???
Please try to understand something?
When you ask for someone's point of view (on any subject), you need to digest the 'negative responses' along with the 'positive ones!'
All of us aren't going to think the way you want us to...
Pianoguy
::I do not expect him to change, however, I do expect him
:: to become a little more independent
:: to wear the pants, and take charge.
:: to BE social, and make relatioship decisions too
These are examples of ways in which you want him to change. He is a passive person, and you want him to be less passive. It's not an unreasonable wish for a relationship, but it may be impossible to achieve in THIS relationship, because he is half of the partnership, and you've chosen a passive partner.
He displays A LOT of passivity:
:: There IS a problem if one person feels so dependent on the other that they need to ask what to do in situations that should require an independent decision--
He asks you :: what route to take to meet me somewhere that he's been many, many times . . . to ask someone else if he can come by their house--
He sits at home waiting for you to call, he has sacrificed his social set for you, he needs you "to be the final say in everything for him."-- these are all examples of passivity, and they aren't going to change; this is THE WAY HE IS. After five years, what you have is the real Aaron.
You also have serious communication issues:
:: I offer up a compromise, and he doesn't even want to talk about it.
:: he always assumes I know what he's talking about. (he says one thing, but means something different.)
:: he'll say it's not worth talking about, cos I'll just get mad
And finally, you have an unwillingness on his part to follow through. You mentioned that the two of you would be in a house of your own right now if he had just done what you told him to do and accepted a job you found for him.
Look down the road ten years, and think about what your life will be like. You will be making all the decisions and doing all the work to make the relationship go, and he will still be refusing to compromise, making assumptions about what you mean, and avoiding talking about what's on his mind because you'll just get mad.
It's been five years, and you're no closer than you were to getting what you want. I think you came here hoping there was an easy fix for the problems you see in your relationship, and naturally you're distressed to learn that there isn't. Unfortunately, we can't fix Aaron for you, and you can't fix him, either. He is as he is, and you are as you are. There's nothing wrong with either you, but you are just so different that solving this problem may be impossible.
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