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Possible?
| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 3:54pm |
Is it possible to know without a doubt that you want to marry someone and raise a family, but not want to be with them until it's possible to even start building towards that? I mean, I know everyone has different ideals regarding relationships, and some are more conservative than others. Most people tell me that It's impossible to love someone yet have a desire to be with another. Isn't desire part of human nature? Simply put: I have feelings for another man, but they are not like the feelings I have with my boyfriend. I know that I want to marry him and have a family. I don't want that with anyone but him. Just thinking about it gets me all girly and teary eyed because nothing would make me happier than making a home and a family with him. But, right now, I'd rather spend my time with someone else that I have a sort of crush on. Soemtimes, I feel as though I should enjoy myself now, and that I shuldn't take a relationship so seriously since I know what I want later. (I'd take it now if I could have it. financially, we are unable to even move in together, and that really really stinks, because even if I had that, I don't think I'd be so restless.) But then I freak out and think "what if this is the beginning of me falling out of love.." and that scares teh crap out of me.
things were so much easier before labels were put on. why do you think that is?
things were so much easier before labels were put on. why do you think that is?

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OK, let me try and word it a different way.
I'm not saying that you're wrong for feeling restless and unhappy in the present situation. I'm not saying that you should be content or happy with his behaviour. Quite frankly, with the amount of complaints you've got, I still cannot understand why you're there. (On a personal level, I would have dumped him ages ago)
In short, the two of you have opposing views on how a relationship should work. While it's not up to either one of you to judge the other, you do you need to decide if the way he wants to live will suit you. Because he ain't never gonna change. He is happy with who he is.
Accept him how he is or move on.
<< I do not expect him to change, however, I do expect him to become a little more independent, and that's it.>>
That's a pretty big "and that's it" ... as I see it, you DO want him to change ... that is, if you EXPECT him to be a little more independent, then you want him to CHANGE. You want him to be more independent, and in order to be that, he's going to have to change. So, it would be a contradiction to say that you dont' want him to change ... because, you do!
<< There IS a problem if one person feels so dependent on the other that they need to ask what to do in situations that should require an independent decision. >>
Should to you … but, that doesn’t seem to be a “should” to him … otherwise, he wouldn’t ask.
<< Does he really need to ask me what route to take to meet me somewhere that he's been many, many times?>>
If he’s forgetful, then … yes, I’d say he would feel the need to ask you. You can say “you SHOULD remember” all you want … but, that doesn’t mean he will remember … just because YOU do.
<< Does he need to ask me to ask someone else if he can come by their house? Someone he's perfectly good friends with and has the ability to contact himself? >>
No, he doesn’t need to … but, if he thinks you’re going to be talking to that person anyway … or if perhaps he’s busy, and he’s ASKING you because he isn’t able to make the call at that moment, but .. since he’s got YOU on the phone … he’ll ask you to do it for him … sounds like he’s just asking for a favor.
But, overall, yes … I’d agree that this one is a stretch and he IS perfectly capable of making the call himself. But, perhaps … you could try to understand his reasons for asking … rather assuming that he’s just expecting you to do it for him and isn’t capable? (because, much of the tone in your posts, in terms of the temperament … lends me to believe that PERHAPS you jump to conclusions on things and tend to get IRRITATED so easily that you aren’t attempting to “seek to understand.”
<< Does he need to ASK me if it's okay that he comes over to HIS friend's house? >>
Some women would view that as being considerate … in case you might have something else in mind … ie, that offers you an opportunity to say “oh, I thought it would be nice to go to tonight” … in which case, he could decline his friend and choose to spend it with you. But, sounds like you WANT him to spend more time away from you … and with his friends … that you want and need more space … thus, the different ideals on relationships thing … thing is, he wants to be with you … so, that’s why he asks … but, since he asks, and you don’t want him to be clingy, you’re now resenting his asking.
<>
I thought you said that he asks you if he can go to HIS friend’s house? So, which is it … does he have his own friends or not?
<< He says relationships involve sacrifice, I agree.>>
I disagree … I think that relationships involved compromise, not sacrifice.
<< he always assumes I know what he's talking about. (he says one thing, but means something different.) >>
Then, obviously, he need to be more direct and clear in his communications. And, as another person said …he seems to be a passive-type of person. If so, passive personalities will often “beat around the bush” … solution: ask him to not assume anything … to just say exactly what he means.
<< And he feels that I should understand and feel the same as he.>>
You could say the same for yourself … you feel that HE should understand and feel the same as you.
<< my love for him grows every day, as much as my aggravation >>
I really don’t see how love and aggravation can grow together.
<< for once, I'd just like him to wear the pants, and take charge. Be independent for once and not rely on me to get him out and social.>>
You want him to change.
<< I just want him to BE social, and make relatioship decisions too.>>
You want him to change.
<< Then later he'll say it's not worth talking about, cos I'll just get mad. Yes. I have a temper >>
Then, temper down your temper. That would be a compromise … “Aaron, I promise I won’t get mad if you’ll agree to talking to me about this.”
He’s passive. Passive people not only don’t LIKE conflict … they’ll avoid it like the plague. But, if you ATTEMPT to set up a comfortable emotional environment, I’d bet that he’d be more willing to talk.
<< he doesn't understand that it aggravates me when he doesn't talk about what bothers him. It's all a communication issue, and it stinks.>>
Yes, it is a communication issue … and with that, why would he want to open up and talk about what bothers him when all he thinks is that you’re going to get mad?
How about being less aggravated and more mild-tempered?
<< Why I want to marry him? Because I love him dearly.>>
Unfortunately, love doesn’t conquer all. Two people can LOVE each other dearly, yet still not be RIGHT for each other.
<< Can anyone understand that aggravation instead of telling me I am super wrong?
Five years of having to rent motel rooms so we can be alone for a night, five years of having to reach him on someone else's phone. five years of never once being able to cook him a dinner. >>
Are you wrong for being aggravated? Well … if you’ve accepted it being this way for FIVE YEARS … then, you only have yourself to hold responsible for that … for letting it get to the point of not being able to STAND IT. If you’ve been staying in the relationship, hoping for things to change … predicating the future of your relationship on him changing … when all the while, he’s always been this way (and yes, it sounds like you could due for some changing, too ... ease up on the temper, stop jumping to conclusion, seek to understand) … then, yes you are “super wrong” for being aggravated … why? … for not accepting the responsibility that it’s been your choice these past 5 years … for being in a relationship for 5 years with someone who most LIKELY was displaying these same traits and characteristics 5 years ago … if you saw these things at 6 months, or a year, or even 2 years … but, didn’t like it … yes, YOU are wrong for staying because of some HOPE that it would change. You either accept a person for who they are … or you don’t. And if you don’t, you walk away. But, what you can’t do is BLAME the other person for not changing … just because YOU want them to.
And, you know what usually happens when a person DOES change because someone else wants them to … but, not because THEY want to? They’ll end up resenting you for it or they’ll be going thru life doing as YOU think they SHOULD … not because they WANT to … but, because they’re afraid if they don’t … that all HELL will break loose. And then, what you have is a marriage based on one person walking on eggshells and the other “should’ing” all over them. Ugh, that sort of tension would be unbearable.
In an earlier post, you said << I know without a doubt that I want to raise my family with Aaron.>>
Without a doubt? If that was so, you wouldn’t be posting him … you’d be accepting him 100% for who he is, how he is … and if you don’t … well, then you SHOULD have doubts about raising a family with someone who you << have different ideals on relationships >> … I’d love to know how two people who have different ideals on relationships can possibly build a future together? If you can do that successfully, while having different ideals on relationships, then … you should write a book about it … it would sell millions!
<< In all honesty, I don't want to wait until he gets his act together. I want to get married and start a damn familty already.>>
So, if he asked you to marry him tomorrow … you’d marry him, despite all these flaws, just so you can “get on with it already?!”
<< The past couple years have been really difficult and really on and off for us. Mainly because I keep running away. >>
Have you read “He’s Scared, She’s Scared”? … if you keep running away, it would seem that you have commitment issues … but, believe that by making the commitment and “getting on with it already”, that that would solve your problems?? My goodness, that would only make things WORSE! That’s akin to when people have a baby to IMPROVE the relationship (or so they think) … I can’t think of a worse reason to bring another life into the world … having a child as a band-aid.
<< It's gotten even worse lately, cos almost ALL of our friends are getting married next year.>>
What do your friends have to do it?
<< I guess I'm just pissed that things aren't going the way I had planned.>>
That you had planned? If things haven’t panned out the way you’ve wanted, then it’s YOU who is 100% accountable for being in the relationship for this long, without it being the way you want it to be. Besides, shouldn’t there be a WE in those plans?
People cannot unilaterally make PLANS within a relationship without getting the other person’s buy-in on those plans … and if the PLANS you’ve made haven’t been what’s been agreed upon TOGETHER … then, you can’t EXPECT him to fulfill the plans that YOU made without HIM.
<< Is it possible I've stayed this long out of habit?>>
Yes. People often tend to stick to what’s familiar … even when it’s uncomfortable and it’s not what we really WANT … but, it’s what we KNOW … so, what’s familiar becomes our form of NORMAL … and we lose ourselves in the process.
Here's the bottom line of this rant: Aaron is not your problem … and until/unless you accept your own shortcomings and things YOU need to change for you … he’s not going to be your SOLUTION, either. You have to take ownership of your problems, he’ll have to take ownership of his … and if neither of you think you have a problem … well, then … you’re at a big ‘ol stalemate.
The more I read the more I feel for Aaron. It sounds like he is devoted to you and places you on a pedestal and it seems that you only feel aggravated by him. I'd just echo what others have said about this just reflecting the fact that the two of you want different things. You don't want to be doted on, but there are women out there who would love to be doted on, so why not let him go so he can find someone more compatible? And why not free yourself so you can find someone more independent?
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but it seems like a part of you likes or needs this dysfunctional dynamic. Perhaps you like to know that he needs you so much and complaining about it assures you of the upper hand. I don't think it's out of the ordinary and that a lot of people do this, but there's a point where it becomes cruel to the more dependent and passive person.
When I find myself unhappy in a relationship and caught in a cycle of complaints and aggravation, I try to look at my own behavior and pinpoint how I contribute to perpetuating this unhappy cycle. Sometimes it requires a change in behavior, sometimes a change in perspective, but you must take some responsibility for your role in this relationship.
I also echo others' suggestions that you go back and read your posts. There are a number of contradictions that you might not even be aware of. The big one for me was claiming that you're not asking him to change and then going through a laundry list of things he should do differently. You need to acknowedge this.
Good luck.
I guess I was just looking for a little validation with how I felt. There's so much more beyond just what's been going on recently.
Now I have a decision to make that is going to ruin lives, and that's what I wanted to avoid.
Alot of it is me. I'm also pretty passive aggressive, and not to mention emotionally exhausted with everything that's been going on.
it's not easy to deal with my folks splitting up, my relationship issues, and a verbally abusive boss all at once.
Sorry If I snapped at everyone. Like I said, I was just looking for a little validation in how I felt.
Hard to figure out what to do. I get so frustrated but I'll forget about it the next day, and just be super happy where I'm at.
I wish he would see how crappy of a person I am....it would make things alot easier.
Hi, Faerieeyes!
I know you are concerned about causing Aaron pain, and yourself as well, because you are going to grieve the end of this relationship, too. Think of it this way: the two of you have been together since you were a girl of 18; now you are a woman of 23, getting ready to move on with your life. In the past five years you have grown into a person who is much different from that young girl you were, and Aaron has grown, too. It's time for the two of you to take the risks inherent in an adult life, and the first risk for many is independence.
You sound like a person who is ready for independence. You have had a lot on your plate these past months, and have handled it well. Aaron probably has not had the same experiences, so he is at a different place in his life. Perhaps his first adult risk will be forging a new relationship--and since it IS a risk, he's not going to like having to do it. That is not something for you to worry about, however. Although you may view his experiences from a distance, with compassion, you don't need to feel that you have to fix the situation.
Instead, please take some time for yourself, and don't go rushing into a new relationship. See lots of guys, to find out who is right for the new, improved Faerieeyes, and schedule some alone time for reflection and contemplation. Take the time you need to continue growing into the person you're going to be.
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