Is this possible? Advice please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Is this possible? Advice please.
3
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 4:45pm

Okay I have a question. I was with a guy for 6 months and towards the end we were off and on. I think I was just a little immature and didn't know what I wanted. I'm 19 and he was my first relationship. Well we have been broken up for a week, and it just doesn't feel right. Meaning, I think I still want to be with him. We hung out recently and it felt really good. Like maybe things could work out, I just don't want to jump back into it really fast or really serious right away.

So I'm wondering if anyone has heard of not being in love with someone for a while then realizing what you have and end up falling in love?? Or maybe just not realizing that you were in love because of everything going on? I was really childish about things in our relationship and expected him to be a certain way, like dress right or do his hair good and stupid stuff. Now I have realized that that stuff doesn't matter as much as I made it out to. For some reason it feels like I am actually falling for him this time. I just feel really good around him and before it wasn't like this because we just spent every day together, things went too fast and I didn't know what to think when I had someone that absolutely adored me. I'm thinking this time apart has helped me, but I want to make sure it's that and not that I am just feeling lonely and compelled. Our relationship was just all too sudden and overwhelming. Is it possible to start over? start fresh? I'm wondering if taking it slow, and giving it time will help. He is a great guy and I don't want to throw it away if it might be meant to be. I'm just scared...Any advice?

And if we do go about trying to work things out...should we just limit spending time together to once a week maybe? just start out slow? that is what I am thinking but I don't know. Please help! Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 1:14am

<< So I'm wondering if anyone has heard of not being in love with someone for a while then realizing what you have and end up falling in love?? Or maybe just not realizing that you were in love because of everything going on? >>

Yep, what that's all about is ... in the beginning of just about any relationship ... it's more about infatuation ... which is why people often end up with "too much, too soon" ... and it's all about getting to know each other ... and in that infatuation, we often don't SEE everything we should be seeing.

As time goes on, and two people get to know each other ... their REAL selves ... the good, the bad and everything is revealed. Infatuation wears off, and you start to see things as they really are.

And yes, this infatuation stage usually lasts at least 6 mos to a year. Therefore, as you said, it was at the end of this 6 months that things were "on and off" with you guys ... most likely because, that's when things started getting REAL, right?

<< Now I have realized that that stuff doesn't matter as much as I made it out to.>>

This is true ... how he dresses or how he fixes his hair is not what makes him who he is. Clethes do NOT make the man, ha. His actions, behaviors, thoughts, opinions, values, priorities, etc are what makes him who he is.

<< Is it possible to start over? start fresh? I'm wondering if taking it slow, and giving it time will help. >>

Sure, it can help. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back and getting a fresh perspective.

However, no ... it isn't possible to "start over" ... all you can do is start from where you left off, learn from where you left off ... and take it from there. In other words, no one can erase what's done, right? You just have to learn from it and take it from there.

<< And if we do go about trying to work things out...should we just limit spending time together to once a week maybe? just start out slow? >>

I don't believe in putting particular restrictions on things, such as "just once a week" ... rather, just let it follow its natural course ... no force or pressure ... if you feel like its moving too fast, keep it in perspective and consciously allow yourselves to keep it on a realistic pace. If it feels like its moving too fast, talk about it ... keep the communication open ... that's the best thing you could do ... just keep the lines of communication open so that you know you're both on the same page.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:19am
Thanks for your response. That is totally what it feels like, it feels like I finally have had some time to see everything in a real light and that I now know he is the one. Last night I told him I was in love with him, it seriously just came out, like it was the weirdest thing ever, it just happened so naturally! It was SO weird! But I feel it now, I really do, I cannot believe it though. I have been in such a wirlwind of emotions that it is crazy to now be so sure about it. I have a question though, my family and friends are worried and want to make sure I am doing the right thing by trying to work things out...i need to prove to them that this time I am serious, i don't know how to, all i give is my word, will it just take time? Please keep the replies coming, this is a big moment for me!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 1:51pm

<< I have a question though, my family and friends are worried and want to make sure I am doing the right thing by trying to work things out...i need to prove to them that this time I am serious, i don't know how to, all i give is my word, will it just take time? >>

Actually, no ... you don't need to prove anything to your family and friends. They aren't the ones in this relationship ... you and him are. Just continue doing what's right for you ...that's all you NEED to do. Don't worry about them. Their concern is natural, but you don't have anything to prove to anyone, ok? (that just puts pressure on you that doesn't need to be there)