?? practicality over love ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
?? practicality over love ??
7
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:39am

Hello everyone,

My name is Ching, I am a 1.5 generation Chinese American (born in China, raised in the US), and am 22years old. I currently lack a strong network of girlfriends and I’m am so desperate right now for any advice or opinion that I am grateful for having found this outlet. My basic question is: Should practicality overrule love?? It seems like a simple enough question, but given my upbringing by conventional Chinese parents, the previous question is much more complex than initially thought. Here’s my problem….

I am currently going through a transition phase where I have graduated undergrad and am now moving onto my graduate career. I’m from San Diego, and have lived here since 92’, and would like to move to north to Palo Alto to attend Stanford. Throughout my four years of undergraduate college, I have been dating a fabulous boy named JC. I have been with him over 4 1/2 years now, and am obviously happy with him since we’ve stayed together so long. He’s a very kind, loving, strong-headed and ambitious individual. I know I’ve fallen in love with him and I know he loves me. So what’s the problem you ask… well my Chinese parents don’t approve of him because he’s almost 25 and has yet to finish college. Yet he’s made quite a career for himself in banking. I know I shouldn’t care about his education, but honestly sometimes I feel that we’re not on the same level due to our educational levels. I just finished my master’s degree and he hasn’t even finished a calculus class. But one of the things that I’m attracted to is the fact that even though he hasn’t finished his collegiate career, he’s very bright and has a lot of potential. The fear I have, is that because he doesn’t have a college degree he won’t be able to advance his career as easily as somebody with one. And also, if we get married and have kids, he won’t be able to help them with homework as much as I can or teach them science and math as I can… So…Should practicality overrule love?

He's willing to move up to palo alto for me... and I'm not sure I want that responsibility, but I do love him. My mother says I'm too young and I shouldn't settle (mostly due to the fact that he's not a college graduate, I know she'd have other opinions if he was).

Thank you to everyone who has read my problem and for your help :)
It is GREATLY appreciated :D
-Ching

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 4:29am

Ching...

Pianoguy thinks you need to finish your education and get yourself established in a career BEFORE considering marriage and a family of your own.

While your relationship might have potential for becoming permanent in the future, you need to put your needs and desires FIRST.

Keep the boyfriend AS A FRIEND for now...and experience the joy of advancing your education and "getting to know" others!

This option is easy for you now......and not after you've had a few children who need to be nutured, fed and loved.

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:42am

I agree with PG, focus on finishing school and then see where you and your boyfriend are then. Also, you bring up some good points on being on the same level which is very important issue. But, since it is still early you can see if your boyfriend puts the effort to get more education while he sees you advancing.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 9:59am
Ching, love isn't about money or sex or even in most cases feelings. If you can look at your man and know beyond a doubt that you want this to work, then don't give him up for anybody. He is your choice and no one has to live with him or be married to him but you. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:13am

Well, that is a way of looking at it but in reality love is not going to pay the bills. Love is not the only thing needed to raise children. Yea, if she doesn't care pulling the extra weight financially then ok fine, if she doesn't mind that she will not be able to stay home and care for her children then ok, if she doesn't mind that when it comes to helping her children with homework she will have to do majority of it then ok. But, in my reality, I was married and love that man to the ends of the earth. Heck, I still love him. But, really why did I have to work 2 jobs a to have the standard of living that I expected because he only had some college. I still work at the same company I did back then and off the one income raise my son and be able to save where with him and the little jobs he had and my 2 incomes was not enough but we did it on love. Did my son suffer, I think he did. When it came to me taking off 2 mos of work to have my child and though I was still getting paid if it was all left to him we wouldn't have had enough to buy food, let alone bills. I think there is much more a mature adult will look into that before settling down. Especially, settling down with someone you know would make your life harder by having a family with. If I would have done it right the first time then it would be how I am now. Earning potential and current earnings, capability to maintain a family (meaning raising children, household duties), how he handles finances (priorities to him financially and how he currently pays bills and recreation), and family life. I take those into high consideration before I allow myself to struggle everyday when I do not have to. I understand love must be there but relationships are more then feelings it is (at least to me) more like a partnership and everything is shared and what you do and how you are affects all involved. Hence the family union. JMHO

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 10:32am

I am in a very similar situation to you. I am a Master's student, and my boyfriend is a very intelligent guy with a lot of potential, but so far he only has an Associate's degree. He's also failed out of Calculus a few times (even though he had very high math SAT scores). My mom also keeps trying to tell me that I should leave him for a guy with more education who would earn more money. I know that for myself I am doing the right thing by staying with him.

Let me try to explain what I mean. When I was just ten years old, my brother told me about an article which spoke about a tribe of people somewhere who believe that you should make the most out of every moment in your life and try to be as happy as possible. Ever since I've heard that I've always believed that the most important thing is that you are able to enjoy life as much as possible, and the older I get, and the more I question, the truer that philosophy seems to me. As a result of that philosophy, I've always been on the lookout for articles about studies which look at what determines a person's satisfaction and happiness in life. All of the research has shown that once you are above the poverty level, you get used to whatever level of income you have and being wealthier doesn't make you any more satisfied or happier with life. However, being married to somebody who has all of the traits which my boyfriend posesses- that is being a very kind, loving person, with a warm, generous heart DOES enrich the over-all emotional quality of your life. There are many other reasons why I also want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. But that is why I don't see the money that I am missing out on as a sacrifice, because I think what I will get from sharing my life with him is something that is far more valuable to me than money.

You say it is a matter of practicality versus love. But I honestly view it as much more practical to be with the guy with the bigger heart than the guy with the bigger wallet (unless of course you NEED that money to survive which if you have a Master's degree you won't). It just seems completely illogical and impractical to me to keep chasing after the most cash instead of chasing after the fullest, happiest life.

But that is just my own personal life goals and values. You need to figure out for yourself what your own top goals and values in life are and then you will be able to make major life decisions such as these based on whether or not they align with those goals and values.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 11:07am

I don’t think it is an issue of a big heart over wallet but how you plan to live. Now, I am not saying a man must be rich but have a standard of living equal to mine. I am use to living off my income and if I am married and bringing home $75,000 a year and say got laid off or injured but my husband makes $25,000 a year and now we have a mortgage payment of $1100 and 2 kids along with 2 car notes because collectively we made $100,000 a year. Now, depending on him how will we survive? This to me is not living a rich life. I make 50 something a year my boyfriend 65 were both use to living on 50 so one gets hurt we would be ok. But, when young couples get married they live like young couples sometimes going off and collective $40,000 max. Then say 5-10 they begin to grow in income or in this instance one grows and the other with little education growing a lot less but the fact it grows so your standard of living grows you think buy a house and making a family, and upgrading your vehicle. I mean I am sure he has will still be as warm and big but the bills are adding up here and you may well still live under your means but it is not at 40,000 when now you have a house because rent and mortgage payment is much different and then children and their needs. Oh I guess the guy be a STHD and you continue to work that will be fine. JMHO

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 11:48am
Don't worry it's normal to feel the way you do. As you get older you realize the importance of what long term relationships can become; This guy could be the one. I also understand why your parents are concerned because they want what's best for you. I agree with them because your still young and Love can be blinding. I wonder if you have ever spoken to your boyfriend about the importance to you that he finishing his degree is. It sounds like your much maturer than many your age, so be sure to let him know the way you feel. I don't recommend threatening him with an ultimatum because that only shows that your more concerned with a piece of paper than with his ultimate success. Not everyone is capable of completing an education as quick as they would like to, but be patient with him and support him. Encourage him that with his skills and abilities AND education backing him he truly will be more successful at his or any profession. I think support is key here. But if he doesn't want to strive to succeed as you so patiently have yourself then that may be a downfall that you will have to decide on what to do. If you can see past not having two Einstein's in a marriage you guys will be just fine. Not every household has two perfect parent's. I'm not saying that you should look to marrying an idiot but find someone that wants the same things as you do. Plus marriage may not even be on your boyfriends mind. That also may be something you too would want to talk about. I still think your too young to get married but there's nothing wrong with thinking ahead because one day you will want to marry someone and these are things that you need to get straightened out first. Just remember just because people get degrees it doesn't make them a better/smarter person. I personally know attorneys and Dr's that are idiots on the outside world, but good at their professions. It's all something that you can balance out; I don't think your kids are going to mind having mom help them with their homework if dad's out making a respectable living and providing for everyone. Just don't be in a hurry to see if the grass is greener on the other side; it usually never is. Relationships are about comprimising; be sure to support that. I hope I was some help : )