Private Matters

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Private Matters
12
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:04am
Does bringing a relationship in the public's eye cause more problems then if a couple keeps things to themselves?
My significant other is a co-worker and he says rumors will start and people will try to ruin our relationship if we were very open about it-- carpool, lunch together, hanging out at happy hour with co-workers but together.
I feel like our relationship is a secret sometimes and after one year since we are sure of one another and our commitment, then it shouldn't be a secret. I think no one really cares and he makes a point not too show an over abundance of attention to me in these public settings. We go on dates, so he isn't keeping me totally hidden but anything regarding co-workers he keeps things hush hush. Even if someone asks him if he is in a relationship, he says it's none of your business to anyone who asks-- males and females. At first I didn't question his faithfulness to me until things progresssed and I felt it was time to deal with things as they come, not keeping things to ourselves. We speak and talk for a few minutes when I see him, it's a very large building so I could go a whole day without seeing him. I want opinions

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Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 10:41am

He sounds like he's too private. I know me, and I'd be taking it personally. I'd have to say "What? Are you embarrassed to have anyone know we're dating?" But,I'm sure it's just that he doesn't want to have to answer questions or feel like people are sizing you guys up as a couple. Or maybe he feels like if things don't work out between the two of you he'll have to face his co-workers about what went wrong.

Still, it's wrong of him to "hide" the relationship after this length of time. You are both adults and it's no one's business who you date. He should be able to enjoy your company no matter where you are.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:16am

I think that it would hurt my feelings a bit also ~


I understand that in office romances, there is a definite level of discretion that needs to be upheld.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:01pm
Thanks for the input. The advice given is enlightening and I guess if I heard it from him I would be mad. I am hurt because he has female friends that he is buddy buddy with, eat lunch with but everyone knows nothing is going on with them and these friends know about me but when it comes to outside activities that is the blower because he still keeps it pretty casual if co-workers are at these places. No one else shows that they are in to their relationship, so he feels no need to be different despite how I feel. I am not sure if this is going to work because I don't feel he is trying to compromise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:21pm

Couple of things.


1. If he's a private person to begin with, I'd respect his wishes, and learn to work with them and maybe compromise a bit.


2. Depending on your workplace, it CAN ruin your r'ship. My friend was involved with a man at her work, it was hush hush sorta. That place she worked was like high school revisited. Spiteful women out to hurt her.




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:53pm

It sounds like you want it made public, so you can "show him off" to the point of being able to show the other women that HE IS YOURS, and your's only.


I would ask yourself, WHY do you want everyone to know? So you can feel more secure? So you can make sure everyone knows he's yours?


My xh always said, "I'm not a show dog and I don't like to be shown off, so don't put me in that situation". Meaning, don't show him off to my gf's, don't show off at work, don't show off with other women there, by letting them know I am his gf.


I say this, only cuz you said, "No one else shows that they are in to their relationship, so he feels no need to be different despite how I feel."


Why do you feel you have to be different?






my pet!

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Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:07pm

1. If he's a private person to begin with, I'd respect his wishes, and learn to work with them and maybe compromise a bit.

****Maybe compromise could be going out to eat instead of at the job.

2. Depending on your workplace, it CAN ruin your r'ship. My friend was involved with a man at her work, it was hush hush sorta. That place she worked was like high school revisited. Spiteful women out to hurt her. Women would hit on him, just to screw with her. Point is, depending on your work place environment and maturity level, it could make it worse.
****That's the only thing, I don't want any unnecessary drama from other females I guess I see your point.

3. I married a man I worked with. I had a few reasons to keep it quiet. First, the gossip mill here runs rampant. and people make thigns up. Second, I told him if it got serious, one of us has to leave. Third, many ppl here are married, and after all the gossip flows, it usually settles down. Heck, I have lunch on a weekly basis with a male co-worker and they have us dating already. And supposedly, he was cheating on me cuz he was seen out with another woman co-worker. Um, we're not dating. We just are friends and lunch buddies. Stupid.
***He hangs with other females from time to time, so I don't think it should be a big deal to spend some time with me.

4. I know a woman who kept her dating a secret, even when she lived with the guy...only when they married did it come out. I think they had been dating for over 2 years. (in my own situation, I dated, lived with my xh, and married him within 8 months, but he left the workplace after 6 months).
**I am in the process of trying to leave because I am not liking how things are but do want to trust him completely and this secretive thing is wearing on me.

5. Even if everyone knew, do you feel that gives you a "hall pass" to make out with him at work, kiss him, hold his hand, be cutesy mushy at lunch? To be honest, even if I worked with someone I was dating at work, and ppl knew, I doubt I"d talk to them much, unless it was work related. Why? cuz you're at work. You're not at home where you can sit all on top of each other, be all cutesy mushy......you're at work. You separate work from home
***We are never mushy in any public setting, so that's isn't an issue.

6. Having dated a few ppl that I work with, you realize you MUST MUST MUST separate work and home life. You do NOT act like a couple at work (even if you eat lunch together), you don't go out of your way to see them (Unless needed). You treat him/her like you would any other co-worker WHILE AT WORK. That doesn't mean you have to give them the brush off, but it does mean, be respectful to other co-workers.
***I agree but he isn't treating me like any other co-worker because he has more conversations with people at work and has lunch with other people. It's not like he by himself all the time.

I used to be all over my guys at work. We'd even sneak sex during work hours in the car or closets or wahtever. I was young, and that was just stupid and wrong. We could've gotten fired.

So, my opinion. Your PRIVATE life is PRIVATE. Even if you decide to share the info with your co-workers, that doesnt' give you the right to act differently with him AT WORK. It just means he can now honestly say, "yes, he's seeing fasionsista". I would talk to him about it. Ask him why he prefers to keep it private. What is he afriad of happening. If he turly is afraid of gossip ruining it.........becuase he KNOWS that certain ppl would try to hurt the r'ship, then trust him and allow it to remain quiet.

If you can't, maybe think about leaving the work place and finding a new job.

How would you feel if it was out in the open about your r'ship, everyone knew, but yet, you saw a handful of women still pawing him, flirting, etc........and although he's obviously uncomfortable, now you have to deal with your co-workers, being spiteful and breaking you up? Can you deal with that?

****I just want some open to their commitment to me. It seems like we are stooping to these immature levels and if he can be loyal to me then no amount of flirting would matter because I would be secure with our relationship, the hiding makes me less sure. Am I wrong for feeling like that. What made u Ok with this secrecy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:25pm
No one in his circle eats lunch with their signif other. But their behavior shouldn't determine how we interact.
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:26pm
So have you thought of leaving the job? Have you asked him if you did not work there would he let it known you two are dating? I mean I understand keeping things quiet. I see it right now a couple at work is having problems because people know they are a couple. Not neccassarily gossip but because no one wants to go out with either of them he feels obligated to eat with her because that is what she wanted when he finally said something about them dating. Now they are worn out by spending to much time together. They have lunch and instead of like normal couples being together after work he wants some freedom he did not have at work. He feels like he is an outcast because people assume they are going to have break togewther and lunch and so when groups go out he is not asked. He is left being boyfriend at home and at work and no matter how many times he has said lets get together afterwork he is not asked because people assume his girlfrienmd will want his time because she made such a deal of letting everyone know they were dating, wanting to carpool and having lunch together. Just a little insight on a couple at my job right now and they have been together for 2 yrs.
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Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:32pm

****Maybe compromise could be going out to eat instead of at the job.


That's a good one, ONLY if you meet each other there, AND it's far enough away that most co-workers wouldn't go there.





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 2:41pm

"No one in his circle eats lunch with their signif other. But their behavior shouldn't determine how we interact."


I totally agree. But if HE FEELS that's the right thing to do, who's to say he's wrong?


It seems that you want it your way, regardless of how he feels.....however, as I am saying, not everyone is cut out for office romance, and you need to agree AS A COUPLE, how things will be while at work.


With me and XH, we agreed, the only contact we'll have is for work reasons. And some emails. Otherwise, nothing. And we kept to it. It worked for us.


Maybe, no contact works for him, but not you. It doesn't mean he's wrong, or you are, it just means you two aren't a good match for an office romance.


I dunno what to say. It just depends on how much you BOTH are willing to compromise for each other. And if you can't, then maybe it's time for you and him to end things.






my pet!

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