question needing answering

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
question needing answering
6
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:37am
I have a question for who ever reads this. I'm going to relate it to myself but I guess I'd always like to know how other people are like in this situation. I've been with a guy in a relationship for 2years almost and lets just say he's been more "good" then me in other relationships in the past. I love him more than anything and he loves me more than anything. Isn't that all that should matter? I don't want to get into detail cause then this will get too long to even want to read but what I'm basicly trying to ask is if you were inlove with someone and you knew your gf/bf a lot more things then you've done with other people, before you, in previous relationships, would that have any impact on how much you love them or how you feel towards them or how much you care for them, would your attitude towards them change wat-so-ever....anything...the slightest change, you name it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 1:09am

It would depend on what the other person had done and whether the actions were compatible with my morals and values. If not, I'd want to know whether the person had truly changed since doing whatever it was.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 9:13am
Everyone in any relationship is different. You have different people going through different things and stages in their life. I don't know why you are relating to things in past RL that you have had. But everything is different and you deal with different people and their problems/issues. Things that were good in old RL that you wonder about in new ones will come up every now and then, but appreciate the good in that. I don't know what your trying to relate to...maybe if you write it out we can understand fully where you are coming from.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 10:20am
Ok maybe I didn't make myself clear. The thing is sometimes my bf gets mad at me for what I've done in other relationships before him. The past is the past and as much as I sit here and wish I could change it, it can't. What do you really accomplish by making someone feel bad about themselves?
Most of the time we're ok and he's so sweet and nice, and then some times it's like he'll completely turn into someone else and he'll start calling me rude names and being very disrespectful while saying the most hurtful things.
A while back, he convinced me that he had done more than what I've done in previous relationships(this was sort of like a trick, cause I just finished saying I've done more things and thats why I'm here), anyways...and as much as it hurt me at first I came to terms with what he said he did and I moved on, I'm not saying I didn't think about it every now and then but the fact of the matter is, I can't change anything he's done before I even existed to him, so I had to let it go, I love him too much for me to let it be an issue.
Most of the time after he's done being a monster he turns around and tells me that he loves me and that he'd never leave me and he'll goes back to being sweet(although he never apologizes for what he does prior to that). To answer the first reply that was written, I have changed and have committed myself to this one person so I know that anything I do now is ok(but its a LDR, so its not like we can do anything with eachother). I love him and he loves me, I know I said this before, but isn't that what should really matter? I mean I know he should at least know about my past as I should know about his, but for it to become an issue? why should it? I know I wouldn't find it worth ruining anything we have...
I just want him to stop treating me like I'm nothing every now and then when he feels like he needs to be completely rude to me. What is there to do in a situation like this, its not like I can just make my past disappear...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:24am

You can't change him...you can't change what he feels, does, or says, but what you can change is the fact that your with someone that's got issues and sounds verbally abusive to you. That whole comment about "he's done being a monster he turns around and tells me that he loves me and that he'd never leave me and he'll goes back to being sweet"... and "he'll completely turn into someone else and he'll start calling me rude names and being very disrespectful while saying the most hurtful things"...that's BS....he keeps doing that to you and YOU keep/kept putting up with it!

The other line of "he convinced me that he had done more than what I've done in previous relationships(this was sort of like a trick, cause I just finished saying I've done more things and thats why I'm here)" Of course that's BS, he's just trying to get you jealous and upset. That's telling you that he's still upset with your past, and is telling you that because he wants you to feel the same way he's feeling.

You both can't change what you did before each other, you can only change yourself. If he has problems with your past... those are his issues...and it seems that you want him to not be bothered by it. The thing is...he is...and makes up crap just to get your jealous or upset.

Bottom line: If someone says they love you, they won't hurt you like that! You can tell him to either A - get over it and move on...I'm with you so why should it matter. B - you can continue putting up with his rudeness, and all the other BS he throws at you, and continue being upset and hurt C - understand that he won't change, make a change for yourself by getting rid of him.

It's really simple if you look at it, but it's easier said than done. I would have a talk with him. If he won't talk to you about the issue, and you two can't have a decent conversation about it, then do you really want to continue having that issue?

You say that you love him and you don't want it to be an issue...talk with him. Lay out the ground rules, and if he still makes it an issue, or you two can't work it out...then you have your answer. You seem to be the one who's more mature in this. You may love him, and you may love him for a long time, but you need to understand that love is a 2 way street, and if he can't respect you, and you continue to have this issue, and he continues to disrespect you, and he get over his problem, then you deserve better than him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 12:29pm
this is where I'm not mature, because with everything he causes me, all the hurt and pain, I don't want to give up on him, I want to make this work. I don't want to let my past or his past be an excuse for either one of us to just walk away on everything we have up until this point. I don't know if I'm foolish to believe with time this could just pass eventually, or with time he'll realise how much I really mean to him and then he'll feel bad for what he's done and stop doing it. I do believe that under these circumstances, that we are in a long distance relationship, it does make it easier for him to be hurtful and rude cause he's not doing it to my face, he's protected by a wall(the distance) and if we were actually facing one another I really don't think he'd act this way. He has been nothing but amazing with me when we have been together and I know he can't hurt me in person, I know it would hurt him to watch me hurt. But right now he can hurt me as much as he wants and he doesn't have to see any of it or feel guilty.
Your advice was helpful but I don't think I can ever see myself leaving him. After all the hurt and pain he gives me, I never once thought to leave him, I'm just hoping he'll stop cause I don't want to have to leave the best thing thats ever happened to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 6:08pm

"this is where I'm not mature"


I'd have to agree with you. I also think you should look into the individual therapy. Seriously. You are in a verbally abusive r'ship. That's the cycle. He is sweet, then says mean things, then is sweet again. It's a control thing. He's controlling you. You're allowing it. I'm not sure if you're co-dependent on him, have abandonment, abuse, issues or what. But all in all, you're allowing yourself to be abused, by a man who claims to love you.


If this is the best thing to happen to you, you must've had a very hard life. Trust me, better things will happen if you have the self-respct to know what is better and what is worse.


Since you're not willing to walk, all I can say is good luck. I doubt he'll change. But I bet it'll get worse over time. And I want you to know, the way he treats you, is NOT love. Love does not abuse.