Is this a real relationship?
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|Fri, 10-23-2009 - 12:14am|
I'm super confused and don't really have anyone to ask. I'd appreciate any advice.
I consider myself somewhat relationship "stunted" and I don't have the experience to compare my current situation with. I'm 35 but I've been a very on-off relationship with a guy named Jay. We've known each other since I was 17 and he was 20. We met while he was divorcing his first wife and had a very casual relationship, but we were sexual. This went on for a while, until I left for college and things fizzled out and I moved on. He always told me that "he didn't want to tie me down" because he knew that there were a lot of things I wanted to do (finish college, travel, etc).
About 10 years ago I found out that he was married again. This hurt a bit because I always considered him my "first love". I've only had sex with 2 guys and haven't been on any other dates or had any other sorts of relationships since (sad I know, but I'm shy and not very outgoing).
About 5 years ago, out of the blue he sent me an IM. He was divorcing his 2nd wife and was hurting. We talked some and ended up meeting for sex a few times. It didn't seem like it was particularly serious until I had found a job in another state. He was devastated and it was really tough for me to leave. But it was too late, I'd accepted the job, packed up my life and I had to go. He didn't beg me to stay. I assumed it was over for good.
2 years ago he contacted me again. He said he'd been talking to his best friend and I was the woman for him. Long story short, but I ended up finding a job near him and moved back. We began "dating" when I came back almost a year and a half ago but this is where I get REALLY confused.
We've had some sexual issues relating to my desire level (it comes and goes, I think due to depression and body image issues). When I first moved back he kept telling me that he was so excited to spend a few nights a week at my house and so on. As of today, he hasn't spent one night at my house. I'm always going to his. We IM daily (with me initiating 95% of the time), and see each other maybe once a week for sex (always at his house). If I'm lucky we go out once a month for dinner or a movie. I feel like I get a lot of mixed signals from him. We rarely talk on the phone, but mostly communicate by IM. I feel like a booty call most of the time. But then he'll say something in passing on IM about living together, or even marriage (in passing) and I get SO confused.
I get jealous of his friends (one of whom he lives with) because they are always doing things together. I feel like I'm harping if I ask for more than a night together. We've known each other forever, but I really would like to spend a night together once in a while watching a movie on the couch - but his friends (and roommate) are always around. They have priority, I don't.
I feel like his girlfriend, but then I don't. He's 38, I'm not pushing him to marry me, but I would like to either move this relationship forward or let it go. His mixed signals confuse me so much! He recently changed his Facebook relationship status to "It's Complicated" and mentioned that he's interested in women. I found out that he had a profile on a singles website by glancing over his shoulder as he was checking email one day. I confronted him about it and he said it was nothing, that the account was created from one of the other websites he visits. Granted his profile was really sparse, but why did it have his picture? I feel like he's still out there looking.
Am I just a booty call? Is this a relationship? I don't know...
Sometimes I feel like I'm reading way too much into everything and should just be far more casual about it. Not everything is as I see it! I just really feel like I'm more into it than him and that he's just telling me things to keep me coming back for more nookie. I've tried to talk to him but I just don't know how. I seriously feel like I'm 16. Help?