Really busy or brushing me off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Really busy or brushing me off?
2
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 10:51am

Hi everyone,

Love the board. I'm going to continue reading after I post this, but I thought I'd get started...

I met a guy about 5 months ago and we have been emailing, chatting, etc. during that time. Over Labor Day we decided to hang out and watch some movies, which turned into dinner and a date... we kissed, it was great (it's been 3 years since I've dated anybody). He also asked me if I was seeing anybody else so I said no and he said neither was he. About a week after that he starts to tell me about his ex that was the love of his life and how in 10 years he'll probably kick himself for not marrying her, but at the time he just wasn't ready. Am really unsure what to make of this- is he confiding in me/letting me know what to expect or is he trying to let me down easily? I see him almost everyday and we talk and email, but we haven't had time to really get together since we both work f/t and go to school, plus he has been working until 10 or 12 every night to meet deadlines. I don't feel like the rapport has changed and I don't think he has no feelings for me... was having a really rough day last week and he took time out to walk and get a cup of coffee even though he was swamped.

It took me awhile to get comfortable with the idea of seeing someone again, we've continued to talk and I am beginnng to have feelings for him (am determined to take things slow and put these in check). A friend of ours mentioned 2 yr guy in front of him and he asked about it and she said something like '... caused her a lot of heartache...' He looked so hurt, but I hadn't told him because I felt it was too early to unload like that and he asked me about it again later but I couldn't explain becaue there were other people around and neither of us have told anyone about us yet so it was hard to talk.

I'm tempted to sit down with him after his project is done and see what he wants, tell him that I'm not looking for a proposal but that I need to know what to expect because I spent 2 yrs guessing with the last guy and ended up for hurt and bitter and now that I've come through that I don't really want to go through that again. If he has changed his mind I'm ok with that, just don't want to put myself out for a repeat of the last guy. Of course, I'm concerned it may be too early for this and I don't want to freak him (or me) out.

Like I said, we still have a good rapport and I feel like he has feelings for me, but since we haven't had time to get together I can't gauge by dates, etc. At the same time, I worry work and school are reasons as well as excuses to not see me. What do we think- bad idea, good idea, it was over before it even started??




Edited 10/8/2005 10:58 am ET ET by montmartre
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 12:41pm

Since I'm just now going through....spent over nine months with a guy that I was always second guessing, one who couldn't talk about our relationship except to say that he had relationship issues (possibly commitment phobic, etc) ......my advice is to be up front and ask him what his relationship goals are, not necessarily with you, but in general.

That's one thing I've learned...to be up front from the beginning so that I do not go through what I am going through right now.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 12:46pm

Too much discussion of past hurts, leftover baggage, ex's, etc ... isn't a GREAT way to start things off. But, it doesn't HAVE to continue being a source of conversation. Leave the past in the past, where it belongs. I don't think it was appropriate to tell you his ex was the love of his life and he should have married her ... what a dope?! (sorry, but that's just a dumb thing to say). Ever heard the phrase, "build a bridge and get over it" ... if he's STILL thinking about the girl from 10 years ago ... and telling you about it ... it's no wonder he's still single!

Basically, leave your past hurts in the past as far as your conversations go, ok? The past doesn't belong in the present ... and if it's still in the present ... there's little possiblity for a future that isn't filled with past hurts.

Just say "all I ask is that you're honest with me about your intentions, ok?" And let it proceed from there.