really messy situation... HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
really messy situation... HELP
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 11:09am

sorry about the long post, but i really need some advice in this messy situation.

i'm 23. i was in a relationship with man A (i'll call him Bob) for 5 years (my first real relationship). relationship with Bob was mostly a fantastic one. we lived together for 3 years. we had a close circle of mutual friends (originally Bob's friends) who were really important to our happy little life. man B (let's call him Fred) was one of those friends. things were good. i thought we were going to have a family and be together forever.

Things with Bob started to decline but I kept up a pretty convincing front to friends and family. he made me feel responsible for all the times he got mad at me the fights we had. i helped to hide this from everyone. However Fred knew Bob pretty well and could sense things were going bad.

Towards the end of my relationship with Bob, Fred (along with some other friends) offerred me a lot of friendship and support in helping me to see how destructive the relationship had become.

After Bob and I split, I was homeless, terribly scared and alone.

I can honestly say, while I was with Bob i never ever even considered being with Fred. Ever. But he offerred me so much friendship and comfort, one night i was at his house watching dvds and i kissed him. We began a sort of "friends with benefits" arrangement, with a kind of understanding that it was not a good thing and that our relationship could go no further... yet we carried on like this for a while.

it was really intimate and we spent hours just hugging and everything seemed simple and ok with life while we were together.

last week he left to go on a holiday. just before he left i admitted i thought i had some feelings for him. now i am sure of it, i have never missed anyone the way i miss him...

yet the consequences of pursuing this would be huge. i am still in the same friendship circle as Bob and Fred.... if Bob found out I would worry for our safety, and we would be risking friendships, as well as raising questions about whether i was faithful in my relationship with Bob.

HELP? Is it worth pursuing this? I'm in a real conflict between head and heart... and I have no one to offer objective advice.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 12:08pm

Let me point out a few things. You got off on the wrong foot with Fred. And honestly, it won't work out. It was a temporary fling you guys had, and now you should be moving on. Who cares what Bob will think or do. You have moved on and it's over. You shouldn't be worrying about what others will say or do at this point.

2 things to note....

1. The man needs to chase you...and NOT the other way around.
2. You need time to heal and be single before you can get into another relationship.

Without these 2 things above, it will NOT work out. Now you are attached to this guy w/o knowing what his feelings are for you. Trust me, if he had any...he would have said so by now.

Right now, you should be worrying about getting yourself together...getting a place to live, job, etc. What I would do if I were in your shoes, is to ignore the both of them and be single for a while. Having no contact with the both of them will give you the best chance to heal and start again.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 12:16pm

I agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 10:30pm

thanks, I know deep down you guys are right...

i have got someone to stay with at the moment on a medium-term basis, and i'm trying to finish my education this year so i can move into steady work next year. i appreciate the advice that i should focus on getting my life together... it is great to get that support and encouragement focus when at the moment, i have none. so thanks :)

i guess i should try and live life without either guy. it's hard not to care about what Bob would think, he still tries to control my actions, who i talk to, and is trying to cut me off from our mutual friends. and i realise i was leaning on Fred a lot, long before my relationship with Bob broke up, for emotional support. these are two patterns of behaviour that haven't changed despite the break up. Your advice has given me that insight, so thanks.

i hope i have the strength to do what i need to do. i don't know how to make myself stop caring for someone... but i'll try.
Thanks for the advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 3:41pm


Welcome to the board! Ending a relationship is never easy whether you have initiated it or not. It can be tough to let go. Perhaps that is why you leaned on Fred, because he was there to fill the void left by Bob? Just a thought.

Have you discussed your feelings with Fred and if so, what was his response? I agree with the other posters that you should stand on your own before pursuing something with someone else. You need to make sure that those feelings are solid and not of the rebound type.

This is hard because Fred was Bob's friend first and I am sure does not want to lose a friend. I know it must be hard because you can't just turn off feelings. But your main focus needs to be on getting a place and getting back on track. Good Luck