Recovering from a bad date
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| Sat, 06-18-2005 - 3:18pm |
Hi all - first time poster here. I have a very confusing situation going on in my love life right now! So I hope you can help.
About a month ago, I was set up on a blind date with a guy that it turns out I dated 5 years ago! Back then he had pursued me pretty hard, but I was young and after 2-3 dates I stopped dating him, just because I wasn't in the head space for a serious boyfriend. I remember really liking him, but it just didn't go anywhere. He called and called and I just didn't return his calls, at the end... I was dating several guys at once so it was just one of those things.
Anyway, by total coincidence we got set-up all these years later. The first few dates (we've been out 4-5 times) were amazing! I was really starting to fall for him, and I'm sure he was the same, as he was calling all the time and in general being really attentive and sweet. It was like we'd met again for a reason.
But then one night last week, the last time I saw him, he invited me over to his place. I started to get the vibe that he was rushing things a bit. Both physically and in terms of him wanting to have a serious relationship (i.e. he asked me to a dinner party with all his married friends, which I felt it was too soon for). I guess I prefer to take things slower.
Also on this particular date I had bad PMS and also had had a very bad day (long story). Becuase of this, and him seeming to rush things, I ended up being a little bit princessy and bitchy, which I feel terrible for. Normally we do banter a lot and debate things, but this time I took it too far and made some not so nice comments!! Woops. I also think I gave him the vibe that I wasn't interested... he was all over me and while I did reciprocate, I just wasn't up for getting physical that night. So he probably got that vibe.
After that, I didn't hear from him for a few days, so I called him and apologized. He called back the next day and left a very nice message, that my apology was "very sweet" and he'd call me later. We ended up speaking later that night. (He'd asked me if I was in his area so it seemed like he wanted to meet up) Anyway, he called me around the end of the night and while our conversation started off OK, I never got to explain my previous behaviour. I recall asking him if he had forgiven me yet.. he said something like "put it this way, if you don't hear from me I'm still mad at you."
I kind of laughed it off at the time as I thought we were back on track but now I haven't heard from him since! I sent him a text message a few days later asking if he was still mad, and that I promised to be better behaved. But I got no response!
So now I don't know what to do. It feels like he must have spoken to someone that night who changed his mind, as before that he seemed like he was still interested.
Is there a way to salvage things? I feel terrible and I do really like him, it was just this one bad date that I wish I could erase! I never got a chance to explain so I'm worried he's written me off now as a total bitch... especially becuase of what happened 5 yrs ago.
Any advice on how to proceed? I really want this guy!

You've done all you can: you've apologized several times, and now it's up to him. If the two of you are right for each other, he'll give you another chance. If he doesn't, it's just not meant to be.
If he does call and you go out again, however, I'd explain to him that you want to take things more slowly physically, rather than expecting him to somehow pick that up from your actions. I would also caution you against going further than you really want to, in order to "make it up" to him (not that you would but that's something I know I would have to guard against).
Sheri
You've likely scared him off. He's probably predicting (rightfully) that if the two of you have managed to have an arguement so soon in this relationship, that this will indicate the future of your relationship. If he knows that you were PMTing, then he's probably also scared that he may have to face similar issues monthly. Great relationships don't have frequent ups and downs. He may well be looking for calmer waters.
There's not much you can do now. You've apologised, but it's really up to him as to whether or not he takes a chance on you. Many people (myself included) aren't inclined to take a chance on a partner who's proved themselves to be volatile.
I would suggest that you learn from this experience. Learn to control your tongue and address issues in a more appropriate manner....and then you can be confident that you'll never find yourself in this situation again :-)