Red Flag??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Red Flag??
16
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 6:11am

I'd like to know if anyone out there has a take on this situation and can let me know if there are bright red flags waving here.

I met this guy, 'Tom' 2 months ago, around the same time I underwent pretty bad break up with a guy I had been with for a year. This guy was really sweet to me and showed me that he was 'there for me' even when I flew 4,000 miles away to be with my family and friends after the breakup (I needed time to get over the one guy). Ever since I've been back, he still very clearly expresses his interest for me and has been pushing for a 'full fledged' relationship. He knows I'm not ready... it's not that I'm afraid of committment, but right now things just don't seem right. We do things together that normal couples or 'friends with benefits' would do.. the whole sleeping over, holding hands etc etc.. maybe it all sounds very contradictory with me 'not being ready and all', but he knew from the start that I didn't want some hot and heavy relationship right then and there.

Anyhow, let me get to the main point of this posting.

In the past month (since I've been back here), Tom's gone through my cell phone a few times to see if my ex had messaged me... which he had but wrote absolutely nothing of 'wanting me back' or anything incriminating. He flipped out on me telling me I can never have contact with him again. I understand how an ex can be a threat, so I don't blame his reaction (I just don't like that he went through my phone!)...

Also, this past week I left him alone in my room while I went to work, and he had gone through some papers on my desk and found an email I had printed out arranging a day to meet up with a male friend. I got the cold shoulder later that day from him. I never ment to keep it some secret and I was going to tell him later that day about it (I met this friend also around the same time of meeting Tom... so he thinks I want to get in this guy's pants).

Before leaving for work that day, I went through a wooden box (where I keep important documents, passports.. etc etc) and told Tom as a 'joke' (and test), 'don't go through my box when I'm gone.. I'll find out if you do!'.. I told him all cute-like and not as if I had some terrible dark secret inside... I laid a strand of hair on the box and low and behold, after coming home, the hair was gone.. he'd gone inside it! I wasn't worried he'd find anything of course, but the fact that he went through it after I told him not to. (He admitted to going in it later as well).

I told him over the weekend something from my past that I'm not proud of. I thought it was important for him to know so that he had a better understand of what I've gone through concerning men. I was basically "raped" by a colleague when I was 17 (I still find it hard to consider myself raped.. thus the ""). He was shocked and didn't know how to react to me. He made it almost seem like it was my fault and told me he was disgusted in me and didn't want to be near me at that exact point in time... he wouldn't let me touch him for awhile and didn't want to give me a kiss for well over an hour. I was stunned by his reaction... but maybe he's never been in this situation or met anyone who had gone through something like that and he was just confused as to how to react.

This morning at 5am (he works for the air force so he wakes up early), he wrote me a text message telling me he has no time this week for my Sh** and that he'd see me on friday, if I didn't happen to have a date with another guy lined up then. I told him yesterday that I had a day planned to meet up with this friend of mine I met acouple months ago.. I told him I wasn't going to go home with this man afterwards and it was just to meet up, grab a drink and talk (I'm living in Europe now and don't know that many people.. so I'm looking for 'friends' I can go out with for a coffee/drink now and then and to talk with).

I don't want to make excuses for him, which is why I'm writing here. When the topic of my ex doesn't pop up (any discussion about ex's in general) and 'guys I'm going to meet up with' are avoided, he and I have a great time together.

Do you think that his behavior can be justified by being afraid that I'll run off to someone else.. just a reflection of his insecurities??? or are these clear indicators of someone very possessive and someone who can possibly turn things messy and ugly.. possibly violent.. I don't know what the signs are of potentially violent/angry people.. if there are signs.. I've never been in a 'relationship' with someone who behaves like this.. at least definitely not in the first 2 months.

I'd really appreciate any advice or feedback on this situation. Am I blowing this all out of proportion?

Sorry for the long message.. and thank you if you made it this far!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 5:55am

Very strange.. did I mention anywhere in my posts that I was in Germany?? It's like you're speaking right to me, because that's where I am actually. I've really had 'some luck' with these guys here (from the way you describe them as being 'neanderthals' I think you know what I'm faced up against here). This guy is in the Bundeswehr, the German armed forces, so I think he has this 'power' trip going through his blood. I have thought about sending them via post, the thought crossed my mind yesterday after his 'cheerful' morning wake up text message. During my lunch break I'll make it a point to stop by the post and see if he would recieve the keys by tomorrow evening.. but if that's not guaranteed, what then?

I don't feel as if my life is in danger if I went there for the evening to drop off the keys and see him.. but then I ask myself, 'why do I really want to see him right now?' I'm sick of my weekends going to waste arguing about things that shouldn't be an issue... where are all the sane, sweet boys hiding?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 11:05am
i would say def. get out...if he knows your not ready for an exclusive relationship and its not one then he has no right to be going thru your things (which he wouldnt even if you were together) and getting mad about who you are talking to. you are a grown single woman you can talk to whoever you want. and yes he sounds a bit too posesive. it sounds like he is the one with the problems and finds ways to turn it around on you (ex. getting mad about text's, or email's) i would definitly get out before its too late
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 2:32pm
I agree, drop those suckers in a mail package and don't waste another weekend with this guy! You have free will and choice ... there's nothing that says you have to this weekend ... I wouldn't. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 2:59pm

Whoa..yes, get out.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 8:57pm
Those Germans are wonderfully efficient - I'm sure they'll get there. Overnight them and pay extra if you have to - just don't waste 2 more hours of your life!
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 11:14pm
personally I wouldn't continue to persue anything with him
he scares me because he is acting very controlling, and over reacting
emotional abusive the idea he is checking your cell phone and snooping are definitely red flags for your safety I would not continue this with him his reaction to your confiding in him about the rape is odd and a concern he is making you feel uncomfortable and you have been honest and truthful but he seems very suspicious and has crossed personal boundaries by spying on you he is not someone to get involved with he is too unstable does he read your e-mails you might have to sever contact
Nightangel

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