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| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:47am |
Hey everyone. This board has really given me some great insight in the past so hopefully you guys can help me again. This may be a little long but I will try and be as clear as possible.
I have known the guy I have been seeing since November but just in the last 6 weeks have we been seriously seeing each other. Things have been good we are happy with each other. We see each other a few days a week we don’t talk everyday and I typically spend the night 2 nights a week. The other day we had a relationship talk and it went something like this: He thinks that I want a serious committed relationship with him where we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. In his mind I guess that means that we spend all our time together ect… eventually leading to marriage. He says he does not want a serious relationship right now.. He says he loves hanging out with me, and being with me, he does not want to see anyone else. Basically we are exclusively seeing each other; I trust him and know I am the only girl he is seeing. He just wants our relationship to happen naturally not but with a definition attached to it and try and live up to that definition but rather grow into our relationship. He said he does see our relationship progressing but he wanted it happen naturally/slowly. Now, I am ok with this it seems to make sense. This seems like a mature way of going about things not just jumping into a relationship.
Now for the other side:
This sort of way of going about our relationship is pretty scary for me. I think I may have my fair share of insecurities. A part of me wants to know exactly how he feels and where we are going if we are going anywhere. I want to avoid getting hurt by knowing ahead of time were I am at with him. It’s almost like I can not relax and enjoy what we have now because I am worried about the future … if we even have a future. I think possibly irrational thoughts such as … what if we continue and I really begin to care for him and then he does not. Now I know these are risks and chances one take upon entering a relationship.. I am just so bad at this..
If you guys have helpful advice that would be much appreciated. Also what do you think about his view on beginning a relationship? Is this smart or his way of avoiding any sort of commitment?

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OK so it's been just 6 weeks. Basically he wants you around as a "play buddy" or otherwise known as a "f*** buddy". Guys who tell you those kind of lines are the ones that truely don't know what they want. He's asking you to stick around for company and for "play" time, but doesn't want to be BF/GF.
With what you said in the 2nd Paragraph, you are setting yourself up to get hurt with the way I see this going. If you are constantly wanting to know where you two are "going", then you need to set some limits and definitions up for him...since he's already done that to you.
With all the insecureness that you have, a lot of that is normal. But you should also try to maintain a busy life outside of "him". Do stuff with your friends or stuff that's fun to you. Keep yourself busy, a lot of times that will keep him guessing and attracted to you.
Give it another month since it's so early on, then have a face to face conversation with him, tell him that you want to know what the "deal" is. If he can't sit down and tell you "...this is what I want.. or this is how much I can give" then you deserve better than that.
Do you want a serious relationship? If so, you're with the wrong guy. Because he does not want a serious relationship. He likes you and doesn't want to be with anyone else, but he still doesn't want to be serious -- meaning he doesn't want to think about a future or take on other responsibilities.
If you want a serious relationship, my advice would be to stop seeing this guy, after you've explained to him that you really like him, but you are looking for a serious relationship, and since he doesn't want the same thing, you two are not compatible. That way, if he later on decides he does want a serious relationship, he knows you cared about him and may contact you and tell you. If he doesn't, you won't have invested any more time in a doomed relationship.
Don't let exclusivity trick you into a false sense of commitment.
All this isn't to say that he should necessarily know that he wants a serious relationship with you, but he should know that he wants a serious relationship in general. And if he doesn't want that, no matter how great of people the two of you are and no matter how much you two care for each other, there will be great pain down the line because of the different goals.
All the best.
First of all, I couldn't have said it better than ioveranalyze did:
>>>Don't let exclusivity trick you into a false sense of commitment.<<<
I am SO guilty in the past of accepting just that! The thing is, you are feeling the insecurities and uneasiness because deep down you know you don't just want to be "exclusive". Yes it's great that he only wants to be with you... but he also knows the more people he tries to juggle, the more he will be forced to commit to "someone" and that's way too much work for him. This is his problem, not yours and there's no fixing it.
You deserve more than that, and trust me you can definitly find someone who will be happy to make a more serious level of commitment. Six weeks is good amount of time, sources say to wait that long to have sex with someone because it gives you more of chance to know them...
Also his stating that he wants to let the relationship happen "naturally" but without a definition. If I had a dime for every time a guy handed me that line I would be a rich woman... In fact, now when I hear that line, I pretty much tell them, "Bay-BYE! I am out of here!"
Right now, he is trying to give you just "enough" to keep you hooked in the false sense of security that one day he will "come around", and that maybe just maybe if you "prove" yourself worthy to him, then he will wake up and realize that he wants to be your boyfriend. NOPE... ain't gonna happen... What's more likely to happen is him leaving and saying why are you so upset? It's not like we were that serious, we weren't even BF/GF!
So, don't fall for it! Try not going over there and not sleeping with him and he will pull a disappearing act really fast. Just end it now, he won't know what hit him! I bet he's been pulling this line all his life...
Just out of curiosity, what 2 nights a week do you spend the night with him?
As a man, I totally get where this man is coming from. I won't offer you a recommendation. What I can do is offer some insight to his thought process. Use this information to gain knowledge so that you can make an educated decision.
Relationship Agendas - Most men do not have a pre-planned relationship agenda complete with milestones and timelines. We let things happen at their own pace over time. He will be unable to answer the question of - Where is this going? - to your satisfaction. He doesn't have an answer to that yet because he barely knows you.
You're two unique people, why the labels - You are a unique woman. He is a unique man. Therefore your relationship is unique. Your relationship does not need to follow a specific script for it to be successful.
Relationship Labels = Increased Expectations - Once a relationship label is in place it often means new and increased expectations. He is taking a leadership role in managing your expectations. He needs to clearly know your expectations so that he knows how you will be judging him. It is completely unfair to withhold this information from him. Think of it this way - let's say you go to work tomorrow and your boss says - "There are new expectations for your job. We won't tell you what they are but you are obligated to perform up to these expectations. If you don't, we reserve the right to fire you at any time we want." If that was said to you, how would you feel? You both need to share your wants, needs and expectations clearly.
He doesn't know you yet - A great relationship is based on being equality-based and mutually-beneficial. It requires depth of knowledge about your character, values, ethics and integrity. He needs to know how you will respond during times of stress, drama and/or turmoil. At 6 weeks to 4 months or so, he doesn't know this yet. It takes 12 to 18 months to really learn this type of thing. He is not going to make a serious commitment to any woman that he doesn't know to this depth.
Bottom line is - he is saying that he "Doesn't want a serious relationship WITH YOU at this point in time." He doesn't know you well enough to make that decision. If you expect or demand that decision after 6 weeks of exclusively dating, then your expectations are set very high.
In hindsight and after writing this, I do have 1 recommendation for you. I suggest you have a conversation around 3 questions. They are tough question with no easy answer so please do not expect him to answer immediately. You would also be obligated to offer your answer to these questions. Relationships are an equal partnership right?
1 - What does a serious relationship mean to you?
2 - What goals and priorities do you have for your life and how does a serious relationship integrate with these goals and priorities?
3 - What knowledge and expectations do you have BEFORE entering into a serious relationship?
Spiceman,
Another wonderful post which I myself enjoyed and learned from, and Im not even the original poster of this topic!! I myself dont understand what the need for labels are. I have had friend say to me.... are you and Tom boyfriend and girlfriend??.. Does he say your his girlfriend???...... Please we are adults and to me that is so High School. Sorry if that offends anyone but thats my opinion. We are FRIENDS first and foremost, we care about each other, we are a part of each others lives, we spend quality time together (not always quanity LOL!!), we enjoy each others company, we laugh all the time, and yes we have sex. So does that make us boyfriend/girlfriend or does that make us Friends with benefits??? I think all this labeling is ridiculous. Dont even get me started on this friends with benefits label! LOL
As far as your post goes, I see so much of our relationship in what you write. I had people tell to walk away from him, he doesnt give you enough, he wont committ. Well over time, without an agenda, he did committ. We only see each other now, and we talk everyday versus every few days. I agree with you that if I asked him today, where is this going, he couldnt anwser me nor do I think I could anwser him. Life happens everyday, none of us knows where we are going. People change, relationships change, he could have the best of intentions towards me and those feelings could change someday. Ive been there already, I was married for 21 years, and the love changed, my ex changed, I changed, and sadly he fell out of love. I think with work we could have fixed it, but he wasnt willing.
As far as time goes, we have been together for 10 months now, and our relationship has grown and during those 10 months I have learned so much about him, Im still learning!!
Maybe we all need to stop and smell the roses and take a deep breath somedays. Just enjoy life and what you have with someone!! When you no longer enjoy it, its not meant to be.
Sorry for the hijack, I just had to vent my feelings on this. I suppose it all started when the first person responded to this woman with.. your a ***k friend, get out now....
So to Phin82 I say, I dont think you are, I think you need to give this more than 6 weeks and see where it goes. At some point if thats all you are to him you will see the signs. I personally see a man thats being honest with you. Mine was with me, he told me along time ago, he cant give me the relationship I want, well over time he has given me that, its not complete yet, but he's so very close!!!!
Take care, good luck Phin82 and spiceman if I could see you I would give you a hug and a kiss for another wonderful and enlightning post!! This twice in a week that you have helped me out! There must be a God!!
Yep, I agree wholeheartedly. It is totally unrealistic to expect that someone should know, at only 6 weeks, whether they want a serious relationship with YOU, but it is not at all unrealistic to expect someone to have given thought to what type of relationship they are looking for *in general*.
I have found that men who truly want a serious relationship with the right person have NO problem stating that. I think if this guy meant that he doesn't want a serious relationship with her at this time, but he was open to one in the future if they turn out to be compatible, he would have SAID that.
The OP can wait around if she wants, but she is taking a VERY big risk.
Sheri
Sheri,
"The OP can wait around if she wants, but she is taking a VERY big risk"
Would you be referring to me by this statement? If so I think its very unfair of you to judge my relationship with someone that you know nothing about. This man was honest with me from the start, but maybe he wasnt so honest with himself. Because as time progressed and we got to know each other, he realized that he did want a serious relationship, and that is what we have.
Its great to offer advice here, but to stand in judgement of others is not why any of are here. You all should read some of the posts by Spiceman(sorry Spiceman to put you in this one) because there is so much negativity here. Noone can expect every man they meet to offer them his world right up front. Relationships take time to build and grow. And I see this constant flow of run run run.... the minute its not perfect. How can anyone expect to build a relationship when they dont stay around long enough to work on it.
If this man isnt ready right now, Im sorry, but thats a sufficient enough response unless Phin is looking to be married in the next 6 months!!
Hi Jersey, thank you for your kind words.
I see many men these days not wanting to participate in the "Race for the Ring". A man of honor will present who and what he is and invite a woman to be a part of that. Unfortunately it does take much more time than some women are willing to risk or invest. Most men do want an equal partner. As such we also need to see what value she is willing to bring to the relationship.
I also noticed your other post in this thread to Sheri. She and I go back a long time and have much mutual respect for each other. We don't always see eye-to-eye, but we do respect each other's point of view.
Spiceman
Im sorry if I may have offended you with Sheri, but I was only posting my feelings about something to you and to the original poster Phin. I dont think comments at the end of the posts to others like that are necessary, though she is entitled to her opinion. We all choose to live our lives differently, and dont always see eye to eye. I took a risk and followed my gut instinct with him. So far it has paid off, if I wouldnt have taken a risk I wouldnt have what I do today.
No, I wasn't referring to you..."OP" means "original poster"...the person who started the thread.
I stated VERY clearly that 6 weeks is too soon to know whether you want a serious relationship WITH the person you're with. Absolutely relationships take time to build and grow...I did not mean to imply anything other than that.
I do read Spice's posts all the time (have for years) and have a lot of respect for him and his opinions (which he is well aware of), but this is one area we disagree on somewhat. I simply do not agree that someone who is serious about wanting a serious relationship with the right person will have any problem being upfront about that desire and intention. Are there *ever* exceptions? Sure, occasionally, and yours is apparently one of them. That's great, but that's not a risk I personally am willing to take...if I'm interested in a serious relationship, and a guy tells me he's not interested in one at all (as opposed to "not yet"), why *would* I stay? There's nothing to "work on" if there's no intent and desire to be in a serious relationship, IMO. He and I are simply not on the same page, and I'm not going to presume that I will somehow "change his mind".
And if I read the OP's post correctly, her guy didn't say he wasn't ready "right now", he said he didn't want a serious relationship, period.
I'm not sure where I "judged" anyone, I'm just voicing my opinions. I have to say I'm rather taken aback by your post!
Sheri
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