relationship talk ..... help help help
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| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:47am |
Hey everyone. This board has really given me some great insight in the past so hopefully you guys can help me again. This may be a little long but I will try and be as clear as possible.
I have known the guy I have been seeing since November but just in the last 6 weeks have we been seriously seeing each other. Things have been good we are happy with each other. We see each other a few days a week we don’t talk everyday and I typically spend the night 2 nights a week. The other day we had a relationship talk and it went something like this: He thinks that I want a serious committed relationship with him where we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. In his mind I guess that means that we spend all our time together ect… eventually leading to marriage. He says he does not want a serious relationship right now.. He says he loves hanging out with me, and being with me, he does not want to see anyone else. Basically we are exclusively seeing each other; I trust him and know I am the only girl he is seeing. He just wants our relationship to happen naturally not but with a definition attached to it and try and live up to that definition but rather grow into our relationship. He said he does see our relationship progressing but he wanted it happen naturally/slowly. Now, I am ok with this it seems to make sense. This seems like a mature way of going about things not just jumping into a relationship.
Now for the other side:
This sort of way of going about our relationship is pretty scary for me. I think I may have my fair share of insecurities. A part of me wants to know exactly how he feels and where we are going if we are going anywhere. I want to avoid getting hurt by knowing ahead of time were I am at with him. It’s almost like I can not relax and enjoy what we have now because I am worried about the future … if we even have a future. I think possibly irrational thoughts such as … what if we continue and I really begin to care for him and then he does not. Now I know these are risks and chances one take upon entering a relationship.. I am just so bad at this..
If you guys have helpful advice that would be much appreciated. Also what do you think about his view on beginning a relationship? Is this smart or his way of avoiding any sort of commitment?

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Off topic...but did you get my email a few weeks ago? I sent it to you through your profile.
Sheri
Sheri,
I sent you a private email, Id appreciate it if you would read it. Sorry for my strong thoughts and feelings.
I just want to say thank you thank you for all the helpful advice and responses. I was felt pretty disheartened by the first two responses which basically said to get out because of his view on commitment to a serious relationship. I hear were they are coming from however, what was said did not sit with me well. I am a reasonable person and you correct in saying that 6 weeks is just soon to know if you are in a serious relationship…I was getting to anxious about the situation which is not how these matters are supposed to be handled.
Spice.man I must formally thank you for your post it really rang true with me. You are perfectly correct in your relationship analysis at least pertaining to my situation. I think an attempt to protect my feelings/pride/time I sort of jumped the gun and wanted to solid commitment from him so I knew how he felt without even knowing exactly how I felt. The truth is we are both individuals with mutual respect for one another and we are peddling through an unknown relationship territory. I think as long as we are good and kind to one another and both in mind set of letting the relationship grow and continue it will become more “serious” with time.
So thank you guys so much for your comments
Colleen
I'm sure it's been a difficult time...hope you're doing ok.
Sheri
Thanks, I got it and responded.
Sheri
I came in late on this post but this is well stated when you said << The truth is we are both individuals with mutual respect for one another and we are peddling through an unknown relationship territory. >>
This is true ... because there is ALWAYS going to be unknown territory in relationships ... and basically anything in life. Because ... there are no guarantees. Someone can tell you what you want to hear and SEEM to be on the same page ... and then, something changes. So, you either take a chance or you don't.
As well as << I think as long as we are good and kind to one another and both in mind set of letting the relationship grow and continue it will become more “serious�� with time.>>
Exactly. As long as he isn't indicating otherwise. There's nothing wrong with "going with the flow" and letting things happen naturally. It's the desire that most women have, the NEED TO KNOW where it's going, that leads to feelings of uncertainty ... rather than TRUSTING the process.
Letting things happen naturally isn't necessarily "a line." My BF and I started out slowly, and agreed early on to just "see where it goes." (as we were both recently out of other relationships). A risk? SURE! Worth it? You bet.
And yes ... it took a while to get to where it is today. But, well worth it. Patience has its rewards.
As does risk. No risk, no reward. And oftentimes, no pain ... no gain. There are growing pains in every relationship. Hurts and pains are part of life.
There's a line in the movie "Somethings Gotta Give" where the mom says "you can't outsmart getting hurt."
So true. You play your cards. Sometimes it plays out how you want it to. Sometimes not. But, if you don't play ... you can't "win" (ie, get the relationship you REALLY want).
So rather than try to avoid what's inevitable in life (the pains and hurts)... remember this:
"To love and hurt and love again is living a brave and happy life"
(also, just to add one more thing: I'd be more skeptical if a guy ... after 6 weeks, said "I want to be with you forever" and started proclaming feelings of love and devotion and a FUTURE. That takes TIME. And for a relationship to GROW, you MUST give it time.
People don't always "just know" right away. I mean, truly ... when it comes to something as important as choosing a partner for life ... should anyone really KNOW after just 6 weeks? Not so much. ( because there are feelings of infatuation early on ... not TRULY knowing the other person yet).
Therefore, more often than not, it's the guy who claims "I love you" and claims to want a future with you after a short period of time who is the TRUE committment-phobe/player. Because, he's telling you what you want to hear. Books on the subject substantiate this.
So, let it grow naturally ... see where it goes. What's the harm in that? (other than the possiblity of "getting hurt" ... and to that, I'd have to say "so what?" ... you get hurt. At least you took a chance.)
Just be mindful of listening to what the guy wants ... rather than hearing what you want to hear. If a guy says outright "I don't want a serious relationship" ... take it at face value. Don't stick around and see if he'll change his mind.
If a guy says, "let's just see where this goes" ... then, why not? Just enjoy it! See where it goes. And, if both people are enjoying it, then ... keep on enjoying it. Just be sure to LISTEN to what he's saying if what he's saying is that SERIOUS isn't what he wants.
But, letting it happen naturally ... IMO, nothing wrong with that. Afterall, more often than not, it's the relationships where people jump in feet first, with blinders on, that tend to crash and burn.
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