To ring or not to ring?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
To ring or not to ring?
11
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:36pm

I wasn't sure where to post this topic, but here goes:

I was on the phone with my bf last night and we got to talking about money etc.and he is known to be mr. thrifty and I like to spend money on nice things when I can (car, etc.) Anyway, I casually mentioned I would like a nice engagement ring someday. We have talked of marriage, but it's pretty far down the road as we are both young (he's 25 and I'm 23) and in college. After I mentioned the ring, he casually says "I don't see myself buying an engagement ring for my future wife." I about threw up all over my phone. Call me superficial, but I have always dreamt of the moment my future husband would ask me to marry him. There he would be on one knee, telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and then he would present me with a beautiful engagement ring as I ball my eyes out in sheer joy. I asked why he feels this way and he said his dad never gave his mom an engagement ring so he doesn't see the need, because it's not practical. He grew up with well-off, very cold, hard-nosed parents, so I blame them for his attitude regarding emotional aspects. I on the other hand grew up with parents who didn't have a lot of money, but they always made me feel loved and expressed their love for each other during their marriage. My mom got an engagement ring from my dad, and she wore it proudly for 20 years of marriage. Anyway, it all comes down to money with him. I know we will both be successful someday, so the thought of splurging a little when the time is right doesn't worry me. I don't need some huge $5,000 rock, but eventually I want something that shows our unity as a couple and that I am a taken woman. Am I being selfish or unreasonable here? Have any of you not gotten a ring for your engagement? What was your response? Just need some advice :) Thanks!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:48pm

Well, I think his comment shows that YOUR feelings and wishes don't really matter to him, at least when it comes to financial matters. Are you SURE you'd want to marry someone who has such different views on money? That's one of the leading reasons people get divorced, you know.

If you feel confident that you can work things out, then I would just tell him, "I understand how you feel about engagement rings...however, I feel very strongly that I want one. It doesn't have to be expensive but having a ring is important to me."

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 2:11pm
I would be worried, but no specifically about the ring. I'd be worried because of your BF's highly potential views on what marriage and the husband/wife relationship is supposed to be. His parents are "very cold, hard-nosed" people that he wants to emulate. His dad saw no purpose in an engagement ring, how did his mom feel about it? Because you're not superficial, I don't know of a single straight woman out there who hasn't dreamed/imagined/fantasized the proposal, and I'd bet his mom included. But you're not his mom, and he is not his dad, and your relationship is not his parents relationship. If you two are having disagreements about jewelry I suggest you sit and have a real meaningful discussion about what you do and do not think marriage is. On the simple fact that it is very important to you alone, he should get you one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:42pm
I totally agree! It goes beyond a ring, and his relationship with his parents is not a good one so who says we have to be just like them?? Given a choice, I'd rather not be known someday as the "cold hard b*tchy wife and mother" :) Who would? They favor his sister according to him, and though I have met both of his parents seperately once (I see why he despises his father...his mother seemed ok, but nothing more than cordial to me), I don't think they will ever be very close with him and his future significant other. My own mother has met him and she treats him more like her own than his own parents do! Don't get me wrong, my bf is a very loving man, but I don't want him to someday mimic the way his parents are and end up treating me or our (future) kids the way he was treated (i.e. being emotionally closed off, buying your kid nice things to make up for a lack of love and affection). He sees them as a source of "college funding" right now and that's about it. I think that is kind of pathetic, and I would rather walk away and not have contact with my parents at all if that's all they provided me. Strangely enough, he and I both want 2 children, and I think he would make a wonderful father someday. I guess when your parents' relationship is a poor excuse for a marriage, it's hard to imagine someday being happy in your own relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:50pm

Sheri-

I agree as well, money seems to be a sore subject for a lot of couples. I'm glad he and I are trying to sort out these issues now instead of later on when it is too late. I don't want to be the wife who sneaks around shopping and lying about how much money I spent, etc. just to please him. That's why I intend to have my own money :) Anyway, it's good to be self-sufficient, but it shouldn't always come down to "what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours." It's all about compromise, letting go a little and meeting somewhere in the middle :)

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 4:06pm

Yes, I have an engagement ring and yes, it's very nice to have and I love looking at it sparkle, knowing what it means and knowing other people know what it means. But if my fiance couldn't afford it, I probably would just accept it. My dad couldn't afford an engagement ring for my mom when they got engaged. In fact, they could barely afford the wedding bands! It was on their 20th Anniversary when she finally received a diamond ring from him which I found extremely romantic that she happily waited that long for it and it never seemed to bother her but now that she has it, she's soooo pleased.

But it sounds like being able to afford it isn't the issue here. If a ring means something to you and if he can afford one, then the issue is why can't he see how important it is to you?

The even bigger issue for me would be your conflicting views of how to spend money in general. Money is one of the biggest issues couples fight about and clearly even with the engagement ring issue aside, you two are not on the same financial wave length. You two need to learn how would handle your money together to satisfy both of you (if possible) before you think about getting married.

For example, does this mean he'll never buy you any jewelry at all? Because why would he buy you "regular" jewelry if he won't even buy you THE most important piece of jewelry? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who never buys you any jewelry at all? I mean, I'm not superficial but it's nice to buy the person you love semi-expensive things if you can afford it on occassion (and it goes both ways) .... why is he unwilling to do so? Would you be okay with that?

I almost married a guy who was the opposite... he went way too far overboard with his spending... he lived way beyond his means because that's what his parents taught him. At first, I just thought his parents were rich. Then he told me they consolidated their debt! I was shocked. Everyone is in debt but if you have to consolidate it, it means you're living way beyond your means and have spent so much that you can't manage your current debt. Sure, everyone makes mistakes, I'm not condeming anyone for needing to consolidate their debt but he acted like it was no big deal, like everyone should do it because it means you can spend more! Nevermind the long term reprecussions. He couldn't understand why I was so shocked. This, along with a few other things, was one of the main reasons I broke up with him. I couldn't and wouldn't spend my life with someone who was so irresponsible with money, someone who spent way more then he had in order to live in the moment. (btw, I'm not saying this is you at all, just using it as an example of how financial views can be a deal breaker).

So you need to think about and discuss with him your different views on how to spend money and decided if it's something you can both live with or compromise in different situations to make it work. If he's unwilling to budge on the money issues that are most important to you (engagement ring) then you might want to reconsider your future with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 6:12pm
I disagree that he would make a wonderful father. He will more than likely treat his chilren the same way he was treated. It's a learned habit. The same way that those of us who were smacked as children are more likely to hit their own kids.


Edited 4/27/2006 6:15 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 6:22pm

>>I don't know of a single straight woman out there who hasn't dreamed/ imagined/ fantasized the proposal,<<

Well, you know one now!

On a personal level, I'm so not in to the whole bended knee, engagement ring thing. My DH and I have never even formally married.....just many, many years defacto. (We're legally recognised as husband and wife in my country). It's not about being cold or anything, it's just that such obvious romance makes me cringe. I'd have a hard time not breaking up in laughter.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 8:39pm
How long have the two of you been together? Have you spent birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day together? Did you exchange gifts on any of those days? And what about dates? Do you split the check, or what? I am wondering if his reluctance to buy an engagement ring extends to being unwilling to make ANY purchases that don't directly benefit him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 2:01pm

Dear ciara,

Not at all, honeybunch. What's behind the ring idea? What does the ring symbolize? Mr. Thrifty could become Mr. Cheaper than all get out in the long run. And, you will need to know that he can support you emotionally with these symbolic treasures, rather than leaving you to make adjustments to him.

But, sometimes, it's not about money or objects at all. It's about how we feel. I think that's what's really going on for you. You feel that if your BF doesn't get this ring that it will mean something--what will it mean?

Exploring your expectations before marriage is important to your lifetime together, so don't shrink from self-examination! Best wishes,

beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 4:34pm

Excuse me for being frank...

An engagement ring symbolizes many things.
1) It shows the world that your man loved you soooo much that he took time and effort to purchase a ring just for you.

2) The proposal accompanied with a ring, lets a woman know that he is serious and has put
allot of thought behind it.

3) An engagement ring represents an investment that will pay off for ever. (No one will spend money on something they cannot benefit from. When a man buys a ring it is an investment in his future.)

4) It symbolizes his need and want to make her happy! Its very important for you and yours to want to please each other. For most people spending allot of money hurts! A ring shows a woman that he wants her to be happy soooo bad it hurts! But he would do it again and again just to see her joy."

5) Dedication! The engagement is his question to her..."Will you be mine forever and let everyone know it?" "Will you be for me and only me and reflect that on your finger?" 

I could go on and on! I expect a ring!

In certain selected very limited situations will NO ring be acceptable. If he doesn’t have any money and he can NOT afford a ring, then it is extremely symbolic to have NO ring at all. And still love and cherish him! It says allot!

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