To ring or not to ring?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
To ring or not to ring?
11
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:36pm

I wasn't sure where to post this topic, but here goes:

I was on the phone with my bf last night and we got to talking about money etc.and he is known to be mr. thrifty and I like to spend money on nice things when I can (car, etc.) Anyway, I casually mentioned I would like a nice engagement ring someday. We have talked of marriage, but it's pretty far down the road as we are both young (he's 25 and I'm 23) and in college. After I mentioned the ring, he casually says "I don't see myself buying an engagement ring for my future wife." I about threw up all over my phone. Call me superficial, but I have always dreamt of the moment my future husband would ask me to marry him. There he would be on one knee, telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and then he would present me with a beautiful engagement ring as I ball my eyes out in sheer joy. I asked why he feels this way and he said his dad never gave his mom an engagement ring so he doesn't see the need, because it's not practical. He grew up with well-off, very cold, hard-nosed parents, so I blame them for his attitude regarding emotional aspects. I on the other hand grew up with parents who didn't have a lot of money, but they always made me feel loved and expressed their love for each other during their marriage. My mom got an engagement ring from my dad, and she wore it proudly for 20 years of marriage. Anyway, it all comes down to money with him. I know we will both be successful someday, so the thought of splurging a little when the time is right doesn't worry me. I don't need some huge $5,000 rock, but eventually I want something that shows our unity as a couple and that I am a taken woman. Am I being selfish or unreasonable here? Have any of you not gotten a ring for your engagement? What was your response? Just need some advice :) Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 6:50pm

No, I don't think you are selfish, but I think you have run smack into an issue. It sounds like you have a very different upbringing than your bf. Have you discussed what shared values and expectations you want to have in your marriage? Do you see that these are present in your current relationship?

The reason I ask is that if you want to have a marriage just like your parents have, based on his upbringing he may not have the skills to be the loving husband and father you expect him to be. Just because a person may want to be a different kind of spouse or parent, doesn't necessarily mean they have the skills to achieve that without work.

He is showing you his value on money and what he feels is important. I have no doubt that he would want to make you happy and may not realize how important this is to you. Did you explain how you feel about it? He may just be seeing dollar signs instead of the symbolism.

BTW - try not to get too caught up in what the perfect proposal should be - you'll inevitably be disappointed and miss the things about it that make it HIS proposal to YOU. :-)

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