Running hot and cold.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Running hot and cold.
4
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:03am

I'm twenty years old. For the past year and a half I was with someone I had a great, deep connection with. The first year was awful--he was in a long-distance "official" relationship with someone else and lied to both of us about who he was planning on dumping for who. After a big explosion this March (a visit from the other girl), I left him. For a while I wanted to slit his throat until he gave me the most Christian apology I'd ever heard, promising to do stay away or whatever I wanted so long as I knew he was sorry. He had dumped his girlfriend and I got her word for it. Weeks later and we were together again. For months he's kept up his good behavior, displaying all his private information, being very loving and attentive, and generally doing everything he can to regain my trust.

I was so thrilled. The new relationship was perfect. The guy who "gets me" better than anyone, who was so many of my firsts, was consistently treating me like a goddess after all the heartache I went through to get there.

I'd still be in that perfect relationship except I broke up with him last week. I had been running hot and cold--sometimes I loved him like crazy, sometimes I was indifferent, sometimes I craved him, sometimes his smell made me sick. I didn't know why. That and a dozen friends and family telling me that people never change convinced me I had to break up.

My problem is I can't pin down if I did the right thing. In the past we've talked about renting an apartment or owning a pet together, every meeting with him makes my heart race. We talk easily, we have fun whenever we're together. And like I said, if this perfect-manness is just a mood swing of his, it's a mood swing that's lasting a really long time. I miss him and I feel ashamed when I think about dating someone else.

Then again, should I be giving myself an opportunity to try something new? Does my hot and cold mean it's not meant to be? Does it mean I'm just using him for comfort?

I've talked to him about this but his response, per the Man Manual instructions, is: I want whatever is best for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:16pm

Ok he was a complete jerk in doing what he did for that first year with the other girl. Shame on him. You did the right thing in breaking it off. Taking him back was completely your decision. You did right that once you decided to take him back to make him demonstrate his devotion for you. However, YOU were the one that took him back. It was your choice and nobody else's. That was a fine choice to make. We all make mistakes and forgiveness is in order when someone sincerely apologizes. So good for both of you. You were back on track together, and he was treating you the way he should've. However, then after 6 months of him treating you perfectly, you out of the blue dump him? Maybe I read your message wrong, but why did you just decide to up and dump the guy? Because of something he did wrong in the past, that you forgave him on? Now you are saying you don't forgive him? You are confusing both him and me.

I'm sorry but your actions just make no sense, unless there's something you aren't telling us here. Did he do something disloyal again? Did he mess up in some other way? It sounds to me like you are just losing interest in the greatest guy you've ever known. It's as if now that the difficulties and challenges are gone, you aren't interested. Maybe you like the challenge?

You love him and click with him on every level, but you don't want to be with him? Sorry, I'm not trying to insult you here, but that sounds like an action based on immaturity. You say you are a woman in love but you run hot and cold with him? You say he "treats you like a goddess" but he makes you sick? Sorry, but that's just plain weird. Something else is going on here you aren't talking about. The problem definately lies with you, not him. Is there anybody else out there that agrees with me?

My guess is you are young and unsure of what you want in life or in a b/f, and need to date a lot of other guys and get to know yourself in the process before you get into another relationship. If the guy is treating you like a goddess and you don't want to be with him, that's not his fault. He was doing everything right. Maybe you've got a past where you are used to being treated less kindly? Maybe you still aren't over the fact that he cheated on you and you can't take the thought of it anymore.

I'm sorry but I'd be really pissed if I was your b/f treating you like a goddess and then you just dump me. If you truly forgave him on his past then let him move on without holding a grudge. Unless you have good reason to suspect him again of some disloyalty, this one lies on your shoulders to figure out, cuz it sounds like he is doing everything right this second time.

-MFG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:24pm

You say you're running hot and cold, so let's try looking at this from another perspective. Let's say the situation was the exact opposite and you were the one who had two guys to choose from, chose him and had been treating him like a prince:

<

I'd still be in that perfect relationship except I broke up with her last week. I had been running hot and cold--sometimes I loved her like crazy, sometimes I was indifferent, sometimes I craved her, sometimes her smell made me sick. I didn't know why. That and a dozen friends and family telling me that people never change convinced me I had to break up (with her).>>

How would you feel if he secretly felt this way about you? Would this be fair to you, if he did? I think not. I can certainly understand your ambivalence considering your history with him, and your concern that maybe his good behavior is all an act that he can only keep up but for so long.

If you weren't truly "feeling him," I think you did the right thing in letting him go. Now you'll be open and available to be with a man you feel as passionately for as he feels for you.

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 2:07pm

The recent break-up wasn't out of the blue for us. He had seen that I was having trouble. I suppose I haven't forgiven him completely.

I painted a glowing picture of him because I'm tired of people saying he's a bad egg, but he's not the perfect man, even if I feel perfectly loved. He does chat frequently with his ex-girlfriend (not a sin, but she didn't give him up easily, so it's a bit uncomfortable), doesn't tell his mom he's dating me, is stubborn about not wearing a condom, doesn't have many friends because he thinks most people aren't worth it, bottles up his anger and lets it out at surprising times... all that in contrast with his free and frequent expressions of love for me have me in serious conflict.

I feel as though my heart and my head are arguing over him. My heart is content but my head seems to be fickle .. sometimes it loves him, sometimes it doesn't. Please don't think I'm insensitive; I wish I were with him and he knows it, I broke up with him in order to spare him while I figure this out. I just can't help but wonder if both of us are only in love with love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 3:20pm

Writing out these posts got me thinking in a new direction. I called him up and we're going to work on it together. Kind of hard to take something so sticky out of context.

So I'll sum up: we have problems, but we're working on it, because he's worth it.