sad and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
sad and confused
3
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 10:39am
I posted a few months ago about the situation I have with my boyfriend and I know what I should do but I thought I would post again to see what other people thought. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. The only 2 big issues we have in our relationship are that fact that he is not very good about calling me and he hasn't decided if he loves me or not. The calling thing is not that big of a deal. I can call him whenever I want and he is fine about talking to me for hours. But he is not very good about calling me unless I bug him about it constantly. The fact that he hasn't decided if he loves me or not is the bigger problem. He has had some major issues in the past that I know have had a huge impact on his life and I understand that. Also he has had a lot of divorce in his famiy which has affected him. This is also the longest relationship he's had. Last night we started talking about a book that I have been reading called He's Just Not That in to You. In the book it makes reference that guys would rather keep dating someone they are not really in to than to go through the trouble of ending the relationship. So I asked him if he kept dating me simply because it was easier than breaking up with me. He said he didn't know how to answer the question. He said he had recently thought about taking a break until his new job settled down because he didn't want me to keep being upset about him not being able to call me. I asked him if he ever pictured us getting married and having a family. He said that he did at the start of our relationship but he once had a dream that we were married and had kids and then we got a divorce and I took the kids from him. He said he couldn't stand it if that happened(that happened to his brother and his ex-wife). Of course I could never see me doing that unless my kids' lives were in danger. I kept asking him if he wanted to take a break and he said we could just take it one day at a time.
Now I just wonder what should I do. I want to be a wife and a mother and I told him I couldn't date him another year not knowing how he felt. I just don't know if I am stong enough to leave him. I love him with all my heart and I know he would make a great husband and dad. We have so much fun together. We laugh and talk and are sexually attracted to each other. Should I take into consideration his past and stick with him a few more months and see where it goes? I don't want to start over looking for someone when I have this guy that I know I could be happy with if he would just let himself. I am so sad and confused about this.
Sorry this was so long. Thanks for reading and posting any advice you may have.


Edited 5/8/2005 10:42 am ET ET by bamagal25
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-08-2005 - 12:56pm

Well, yeah, that pesky "if only"! But you're not living in the "if only" world, you're living in the real world, and he's not a good bet for marriage any time in the foreseeable future.

The only way he's going to get past his issues is if he gets himself into therapy. Is he doing that? If not, then you're waiting for something that's almost certainly not going to happen on its own.

I would only stay at this point if you are ok with accepting the strong likelihood that you will never be married to this man.

Also, I just don't buy the "he doesn't know if he loves me" thing. I'm sorry to say this but after two years, I think he knows...but he doesn't want to hurt you by saying it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 11:31am

You know, I am seeing that a lot of men play the "past" card, or the "divorced family" card, but let's be real.


1. You don't have to accept a man and his issues, you can instead, find someone healthier and who isn't afraid to love.


2. If after 2 years, he doesn't know if he loves you, I think that IS your answer.


3. You're obviously doing a lot of the work (calling) to keep the r'ship going. I wonder, what would happen if you don't ever call him, like he doesn't call you? what would happen to the r'ship? (i'd probably find out before officially dumping the guy).


I have been heartbroken so many times in my life, I've lost count. Everyone in my family is divorced. I've been divorced TWICE! And yet, although I was scared to get into the r'ship I am in now, I did it. although it was even more scary to face myself in the mirror and get beyond those issues, I did it, because I KNOW saying my past is holding me back, is just an excuse to not get close to someone, for whatever reason.


So, my two cents. Instead of making the r'ship work, what if you back off a bit? Stop calling him, see what he does. Just act like he isn't an important part of your life and see what happens. If he TRULY wants to be with you, he'll know you're pulling away and do something about himself, if he feels justified in blaming his past, I doubt he'll care much that you do pull away.


Lastly. If someone wants to "take a break" because "their job is crazy" or they "don't want to disappoint you anymore" it just means, they want out, w/o having the cojones to do it. He's TELLING you he CANNOT give you what you deserve. LISTEN.


Hugs.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 12:53pm
I think this guy is not on the right path. I mean why do you have to beg someone to call you. Where there is a will htere is a way. He has to show you he cares. I agree with the other post don't call him and see what efforts he puts forward. Also, how does he not know if he loves you or not. He must be in some comfort zone that he feels that he can talk to you like that. DOes he think that youare made out of stone and that heatring those words I dont know won't hurt you? Personally, I wold say keep reading that book and I think you will find your own answers. I'm sorry that you have to be sad and confused over this guy. Best of luck!