Sad, so glad I found this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2013
Sad, so glad I found this
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 9:02pm

Hi, this is my 1st post here. I am posting about an online relationship I have had for the last year.

I am 36, never married, no kids. The man in question is 37, single, no kids. We both have busy jobs, and on top of that we live in different areas of the country.

He is a great guy. Very private, but a good guy.

Over the year we have chatted we have gotten quite close. We email at least several times daily, and skype........often having several hour conversations.

We have weathered some ups and downs, but we always voluntarily work through them.

We were joking last night about qualities our ideal partner would have. I have had issues with a few exes, who were so private that i was never a part of their lives. So i mentioned that I need someone who isn't too private. He mentioned that he feels like he is so private he shuts me out.

Today I asked him if it jist made him feel bad and curious, or because he wants it to go somewhere and is worried.

He admitted it didnt sit well. But said he didnt feel comfortable answering. On one hand I am perfect and he would love to date me. Om the other hand he could say no because we're so far apart, one of us could meet someone else that changes everyrhing and a multitude of other things. He ended saying he didnt have an answer, but admires me for pushing my comfort zone.

Im not sure what to do. Keep up the friendship and hope for the best. Or just walk away. He is special, he gets me, but i am crushed. I know I am willing to make it work.

Am I beimg dumb?

He admitted it is because it just sat wrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 10:30am
My theory is that people have these kinds of long distance correspondence because, deep down, they don't really want a relationship that involves regular contact. They prefer the feeling of a relationship that a person at a distance provides. In other words, the wishing is preferred over actually having something.
In a relationship that the person is seen all the time, you're right there in the trenches, there are days you can't stand them or are very mad, but they are still around you and you both have to learn to deal with it. That's reality. When it's a distance, you can simply not respond to the email or call and keep thinking whatever nice things you want to think about them.
So I think it's important that you be real with yourself. If, for whatever reason it makes you happy carrying on something that is at a distance, then keep doing what you're doing.
If you truly want more, then you are going to have to speak up a lot more. Great that you started with this. Yes, it may push him away but whether he goes away now or 10 years from now because he can't handle genuine questions, the outcome is the same. It is better to find out now, rather than waste that part of your life to keep hoping for something that would not ever happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 9:51pm

Can you explain, as private as he is with the amount of time you spent talking and the ensuing closeness, how can he still be private to you. It seems paradoxical.

I would continue with the friendship but meet ASAP.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 8:47pm

My lengthy post disappeared!!!

I am not too worried about your last conversation. There can still be hope.

What worries me instead is a year has gone by without you two meeting face to face. I wrote a lot more about this, but it mysteriously vanished here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 10:44pm

I am always curious about people's intentions when they get into these relationships.  I admit that I can understand that you can feel that you know someone you have never met if you correspond a lot.  I have some women friends I have corresponded with through IV (off line) and I feel like some of them are real friends even though we have never met (others I have met IRL and even went on vacation with some of them).  But I also don't use these online friends as a substitute for having real friends and doing things with people who live close to me.  I do wonder what you are getting out of this & what you hope to get out of it in the future.  Some people go on OLD sites and they will email someone who is far away cause they aren't against moving.  You say that you've been talking to this guy for a year--why haven't you met in person?  Do you have any intentions of doing so?  If you decided you really liked each other, would either one of you be willing to move?  Do you think that you spend so much time with this guy that you are cutting yourself off from meeting guys IRL who you actually could have a relationship with?  Just some thoughts here for you to consider cause I think your answer to these types of questions would determine what you should do w/ online guy.