Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend
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| Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:37pm |
My story is so long, I'll try very hard to put it in a nutshell: I am 29, attractive but with a 'little' weight problem (5'3, 155- see my other post) and have been in a relationship for 6 years (how time flies), which I am recently giving a lot of thought because I am not sure this is the man I want to marry. And the reasons why: he is 34 and works for $10 per hour, which in this area is almost like minimum wage, he has a BA but never utilized it because over the last 6 yrs he couldn't find a decent job. Bottom line: he does not have a career. Financially we get by, make ends meet and live paycheck to paycheck. In his defense I don't have a solid career going either but I work very hard for my money, often 6 days a week, whereas he works 5 days but I have no real resentment there because he works hard M-F as well. I just always imagined that I would be with someone who can support a family while I raise a child for a couple of years if we were to have one one day. In our present situation this would never be possible because without my income we couldn't pay the basic bills. I won't even mention trading our tiny condo for a house with a yard.
Sex is okay, nothing spectacular but I truly am OK with it since I am not the most sexual person.
He is a nice person with flaws, like anyone else. I wish he was more affectionate, however, more romantic, more thoughfull ... but I guess I would settle for anything at this point, as long as he would provide me with a middle class lifestyle. So I guess most things come back to the financial aspects of our relationship.
I have been thinking A LOT about leaving my bofriend in order to pursue something that would give me hope for a more succesful life, moving to a better neighborhood, being able to send our child to a private school, etc. I don't have material things in mind like cars and expensive houses, though.
Here's a problem: I'm terrified of not finding anyone who would want to marry me. I would be near 30 or 30 once I would be single again and I really wouldn't have much time to look before my biological clock will expire. I am beyond terrified when I think about dating again. I am so set in my ways, I cringle when I think about having to shave my legs everyday again, always having to look pretty with makeup and hair done.
And there the whole dating scene. Will I ever find anyone? I hate bars and clubs, what else is there left? I am too old to believe that my prince will arrive on a white horse without me even looking...
Then there's thing with my health: I have a condition which there is no cure for and it basially makes me go to the bathroom ever 2 hrs or so. I understand some men would not want to deal with someone who isn't 100% healthy and this depresses me too.
I don't know what I'm asking here. Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else.
When I was 25 I used to think that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't give our family a certain lifestyle. Now that I'm pushing on 30, I don't know what's worst: being poor or being lonely.

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I WAS a stay at home mom. At the age of 40 I found myself divorced and the single mother of a 13 year old. How did I get myself in that position? I married for security, not for love. Was I secure? Yep. Was I happy? No. Did I love my husband? No.
I don't think you're a gold digger. I think you're looking for security; and there's nothing wrong with that if you do with someone you truly love and trust. But don't believe for a second that that security is etched in stone. I found out the hard way how fast that can blow up in your face. Overnight I went from SAHM with an income of 80k, to scrambling for a job after 14 years out of the job market and earning about 25K. How's that for a humbling experience? How's that for rattling your trust?
You have to look at your own values and what you want out of life. If you don't think your BF is going to be all you want him to be, end it now. Far better to let it go now than be 10 years into a marriage and say "I knew you'd never amount to a hill of beans". If you don't accept him now, you won't accept him after the wedding ring goes on. It's as unfair to him as it is to you.
JMO, but I think it's dangerous to marry anyone because you think they will enhance your life monetarily, unless it's to a 98 year old millionaire with one foot in the grave. LOL The sacrifices you will make will be too great. No matter how great the private school is, your children will quickly recognize that there's no real love between mommy and daddy. No matter what you can do for them monetarily, no matter if you're home all day with them, you can't buy the happiness that comes from being married to someone you truly love.
And BTW, I don't have a college degree. I'm far from 6 figures. I have a 10 year old car. I'm in debt out the nose because my son had some legal issues I had to help him with last year. I wear clothes from thrift stores. I haven't been on vacation in years. I'm battling with my ex-husband over the house I live in which he may try to force me to sell. My fiance is out of work and has been for a month. He's desperately seeking a job and having no luck. He is on the verge of eviction and we're not sure exactly how we're going to handle that. He's been poor as a church mouse since I've known him, but we've come a long way in our relationship and I love him to death.
I feel more successful now than I did while I was married because I'm independent and I'm happy. I'm a great mom, a good daughter, a hard worker, a loving friend. I don't have much materially. I never expect to. Maybe that's the key. You accept, but don't expect. If good happens, you accept it. If good doesn't happen, you accept that. Too many people these days are breaking their necks trying to grab the brass ring. Maybe if we all began to live a bit simpler, we'd be a whole lot happier in the long run.
Do what you think is best for YOU in the long run...not unborn children, not future unknown husbands, not parents, not friends. If you do what is best for YOU, everything else will fall into place.
I am a faithful Dr. Laura listener and in my opinion feminists have done much wrong. There's plenty of anti-feminism/ backlash literature out there. Again, I don't want to get off track here, this topic is irrelevant to the matter at hand. And no need to get bent out of shape over my difference in opinion of what feminism really stands for.
Marie: when we met we just had fun for a few years, we talked about having kids but neither of us was ready to be married. And as I said before, I've been waiting for him to find a career (he is 5 years older).
Now I just feel like his mother sometimes, I do all the chores around the house, including his meal preparation and laundry, and the housework. If I had to raise kids in this mix, and work, I'd have to kill myself.
Welcome to married life. There isn't a married woman alive who hasn't felt like her husband's mother at some point.
What is it you're looking for? Are you looking for someone who will provide you with a stay-at-home lifestyle? Those men are becoming scarcer than hen's teeth. As inflation continues to go up, for most families it's going to take 2 incomes and then some to live a decent life. And being a SAHM is no picnic. I worked harder as a SAHM than I ever have on a job. When I come home from work and look at the laundry, sometimes I'll say "let it go. I worked all day. I don't feel like doing laundry right now." As a SAHM, I had no excuses. I was there all day. My ex-husband expected the house to be cleaned, dinner on the table, and me at the door with a big smile on my face when he got home - even in the event of a screaming baby, lousy teacher conferences, or interferring in-laws.
Point is, if what you want is to be a SAHM, you need to stop finding fault with the BF you have and move on to someone who can provide you with that opportunity. It's not fair of you to expect your BF to suddenly become motivated, get a PhD and a CEO position in order to give you a particular lifestyle. You accepted him as he was years ago. Now he's no longer giving you what you need or want. That's not HIS fault. You're expecting him to change to accommodate you. Is that fair?
Let him go and find the person you're looking for. If the two of you stay together under these circumstances, both of you will be miserable people.
To kyliebeee...........
My bf's sister is a SAHM. She also home schools her three children because they can't afford private school and the public ones in her area suck. Her husband works a PT job that brings in about $35k (not much here in CA). They live off of "hand outs" from my bf's mom and dad.
His sister goes to her folks house, drops the kids off, and takes off with her mom for HOURS on end, going shopping. Everytime the girls (the kids) stay over at their grandparents house, they dont' bring clothes, cuz grandma buys them things.
But basically, he has no money, she is a SAHM, they're poor, but by gawd, they have a 60" tv, a Jag, a minivan, TONS of toys for the kids, a pool, a new BBQ pit, blah blah blah. THey smooch off of her folks and have no problem doing it.
Although, sometimes they have no cell service, no phone, no heat, blah blah blah.......but they do have love,and some wonderful children.
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