Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend
63
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:37pm


My story is so long, I'll try very hard to put it in a nutshell: I am 29, attractive but with a 'little' weight problem (5'3, 155- see my other post) and have been in a relationship for 6 years (how time flies), which I am recently giving a lot of thought because I am not sure this is the man I want to marry. And the reasons why: he is 34 and works for $10 per hour, which in this area is almost like minimum wage, he has a BA but never utilized it because over the last 6 yrs he couldn't find a decent job. Bottom line: he does not have a career. Financially we get by, make ends meet and live paycheck to paycheck. In his defense I don't have a solid career going either but I work very hard for my money, often 6 days a week, whereas he works 5 days but I have no real resentment there because he works hard M-F as well. I just always imagined that I would be with someone who can support a family while I raise a child for a couple of years if we were to have one one day. In our present situation this would never be possible because without my income we couldn't pay the basic bills. I won't even mention trading our tiny condo for a house with a yard.

Sex is okay, nothing spectacular but I truly am OK with it since I am not the most sexual person.

He is a nice person with flaws, like anyone else. I wish he was more affectionate, however, more romantic, more thoughfull ... but I guess I would settle for anything at this point, as long as he would provide me with a middle class lifestyle. So I guess most things come back to the financial aspects of our relationship.

I have been thinking A LOT about leaving my bofriend in order to pursue something that would give me hope for a more succesful life, moving to a better neighborhood, being able to send our child to a private school, etc. I don't have material things in mind like cars and expensive houses, though.

Here's a problem: I'm terrified of not finding anyone who would want to marry me. I would be near 30 or 30 once I would be single again and I really wouldn't have much time to look before my biological clock will expire. I am beyond terrified when I think about dating again. I am so set in my ways, I cringle when I think about having to shave my legs everyday again, always having to look pretty with makeup and hair done.

And there the whole dating scene. Will I ever find anyone? I hate bars and clubs, what else is there left? I am too old to believe that my prince will arrive on a white horse without me even looking...

Then there's thing with my health: I have a condition which there is no cure for and it basially makes me go to the bathroom ever 2 hrs or so. I understand some men would not want to deal with someone who isn't 100% healthy and this depresses me too.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else.

When I was 25 I used to think that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't give our family a certain lifestyle. Now that I'm pushing on 30, I don't know what's worst: being poor or being lonely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:45pm
Have you and your bf talked about these things? Dating for 6 yrs have you to talked of family and future and how you planned to raise children? Where does he stand on this, does he want children? Is he even ready to begin a family? We get what you want and by the least I do not find it wrong but didn't you want this when you met bf and did you express these things? And why is it a bigg issue now versus 2 yrs ago?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:02pm

I WAS a stay at home mom. At the age of 40 I found myself divorced and the single mother of a 13 year old. How did I get myself in that position? I married for security, not for love. Was I secure? Yep. Was I happy? No. Did I love my husband? No.

I don't think you're a gold digger. I think you're looking for security; and there's nothing wrong with that if you do with someone you truly love and trust. But don't believe for a second that that security is etched in stone. I found out the hard way how fast that can blow up in your face. Overnight I went from SAHM with an income of 80k, to scrambling for a job after 14 years out of the job market and earning about 25K. How's that for a humbling experience? How's that for rattling your trust?

You have to look at your own values and what you want out of life. If you don't think your BF is going to be all you want him to be, end it now. Far better to let it go now than be 10 years into a marriage and say "I knew you'd never amount to a hill of beans". If you don't accept him now, you won't accept him after the wedding ring goes on. It's as unfair to him as it is to you.

JMO, but I think it's dangerous to marry anyone because you think they will enhance your life monetarily, unless it's to a 98 year old millionaire with one foot in the grave. LOL The sacrifices you will make will be too great. No matter how great the private school is, your children will quickly recognize that there's no real love between mommy and daddy. No matter what you can do for them monetarily, no matter if you're home all day with them, you can't buy the happiness that comes from being married to someone you truly love.

And BTW, I don't have a college degree. I'm far from 6 figures. I have a 10 year old car. I'm in debt out the nose because my son had some legal issues I had to help him with last year. I wear clothes from thrift stores. I haven't been on vacation in years. I'm battling with my ex-husband over the house I live in which he may try to force me to sell. My fiance is out of work and has been for a month. He's desperately seeking a job and having no luck. He is on the verge of eviction and we're not sure exactly how we're going to handle that. He's been poor as a church mouse since I've known him, but we've come a long way in our relationship and I love him to death.

I feel more successful now than I did while I was married because I'm independent and I'm happy. I'm a great mom, a good daughter, a hard worker, a loving friend. I don't have much materially. I never expect to. Maybe that's the key. You accept, but don't expect. If good happens, you accept it. If good doesn't happen, you accept that. Too many people these days are breaking their necks trying to grab the brass ring. Maybe if we all began to live a bit simpler, we'd be a whole lot happier in the long run.

Do what you think is best for YOU in the long run...not unborn children, not future unknown husbands, not parents, not friends. If you do what is best for YOU, everything else will fall into place.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 1:46pm
Hi, I'm new to this particular board but I read your post and HAD to respond. Personally speaking, and that's the only way I can do this, I am in a long-term relationship with a man 10yrs. my junior, we've been living together for the last 6 months or so, dating over a year. He's blue-collar, working hard for every dime he gets. I have found the man that mirrors my values, morals, expectations, etc., which is why this works for us. Not b/c I expect him to "provide" something for me that I can't provide for myself. I might mention that I am disabled due to a back condition and he accepts that about me. I told him once I would love him if he had only one dime to his name, b/c he is the kind of man that would give me that dime if I needed or wanted it. My kids' (count'em, 4 of them) dad was a college graduate who ran his own business and we basically wanted for nothing. The nightmare that ended up being our life is too long of a story to tell here. The moral of the story is that you want to be with someone who you love, b/c y'all share the same basic traits and ambitions, b/c he is the one who adds the spice necessary to your life. Not b/c you feel that there might not be anything else out there who would have you considering what you feel to be your shortcomings. If a 47yo widow with a bad back and 4 kids, the youngest being 4, the oldest being 21, can find the love of her life when she least expected it...so can you. There is no earthly reason for you to settle. I think you sell yourself short. So what if your body is less than perfect? Can you imagine what 4 kids did to mine? Not to mention losing 130lbs....It's about being accepted, wanted, cherished, adored, and absolutely LOVED for who you are, what you are, what you stand for. It's about you not settling for less than the above for yourself. By the way, I shave my legs before they get "nubby", and I do it for myself, not for someone else. It kind of sounds like you need a reality check of your life. You're obviously very unhappy and you have to know that your true happiness lies within, not without. When you get happy and comfortable with YOU, then you find that you aren't so willing to "settle". Good luck to you, I wish you the best. Becky
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Registered: 02-25-2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 3:25pm
Well said!!!! Bravo!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:43pm

I am a faithful Dr. Laura listener and in my opinion feminists have done much wrong. There's plenty of anti-feminism/ backlash literature out there. Again, I don't want to get off track here, this topic is irrelevant to the matter at hand. And no need to get bent out of shape over my difference in opinion of what feminism really stands for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 10:52pm

Marie: when we met we just had fun for a few years, we talked about having kids but neither of us was ready to be married. And as I said before, I've been waiting for him to find a career (he is 5 years older).

Now I just feel like his mother sometimes, I do all the chores around the house, including his meal preparation and laundry, and the housework. If I had to raise kids in this mix, and work, I'd have to kill myself.

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 9:39am

Welcome to married life. There isn't a married woman alive who hasn't felt like her husband's mother at some point.

What is it you're looking for? Are you looking for someone who will provide you with a stay-at-home lifestyle? Those men are becoming scarcer than hen's teeth. As inflation continues to go up, for most families it's going to take 2 incomes and then some to live a decent life. And being a SAHM is no picnic. I worked harder as a SAHM than I ever have on a job. When I come home from work and look at the laundry, sometimes I'll say "let it go. I worked all day. I don't feel like doing laundry right now." As a SAHM, I had no excuses. I was there all day. My ex-husband expected the house to be cleaned, dinner on the table, and me at the door with a big smile on my face when he got home - even in the event of a screaming baby, lousy teacher conferences, or interferring in-laws.

Point is, if what you want is to be a SAHM, you need to stop finding fault with the BF you have and move on to someone who can provide you with that opportunity. It's not fair of you to expect your BF to suddenly become motivated, get a PhD and a CEO position in order to give you a particular lifestyle. You accepted him as he was years ago. Now he's no longer giving you what you need or want. That's not HIS fault. You're expecting him to change to accommodate you. Is that fair?

Let him go and find the person you're looking for. If the two of you stay together under these circumstances, both of you will be miserable people.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 10:12am
I listen to Dr. Laura quete often, like daily. I agree with some but not all of her points because all men does not fit into her box. But, that aside have you tried asking him where he sees this relationship? Have you tried revisting this before throwing in the towel. If you have talked about this recently and no change I understand getting out but men get use to things very easily and if you both haven't revisted this issue on having children and how you both feel the raising of children should be and what it takes then he hasn't thought about it. Let me know what. I am not against you wanting to stay home and raise children. Because I know it takes a lot and I am not a SAHM and will never be. I like corporate america and if I meet a man who wants to Mr. Mom I am all for it. That to some is feminism but personally I do not like cooking, cleaning, and barely like being around kids all day, and day time tv is a bore. But, I respect those who can do because that means you are cut out for it. But, I would love like to know what all recently in this current relationship have you two talked about.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 12:58pm
I think your comment about working moms and mexican nannies was a slap in the face to working moms everywhere. Are you saying that b/c a woman can't stay home with her kids that she shouldn't have them? Or if her marriage disintegrates and she's left supporting said children that she should give them to someone such as yourself to raise?? I'm a SAHM yet I can appeciate the sacrifices the working mothers make on behalf of their children, often at their own expense. You want someone to provide you with something you are unwilling or unable to provide for yourself. The post who stated that there aren't many men out there who want an overweight woman who doesn't bother to shave her legs and isn't too interested in sex was right on cue. Face it, the kind of men who make the money necessary in today's economy to support the entire family in the style to which you would like to become accustomed to are not likely to settle for what it sounds like you have to offer. You probably should have taken some courses at a finishing school or something. You have a warped view of feminism and I won't get into a debate on that. Needless to say, without the courage of the women waay before your and even my time, we would not have the opportunies available to women today. But let's not go there....If you are so danged unhappy, get up off your duff, kick him out, and go out and FIND exactly what it is that you want. You need to get started now,though. Time is running out...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 2:53pm

To kyliebeee...........


My bf's sister is a SAHM. She also home schools her three children because they can't afford private school and the public ones in her area suck. Her husband works a PT job that brings in about $35k (not much here in CA). They live off of "hand outs" from my bf's mom and dad.


His sister goes to her folks house, drops the kids off, and takes off with her mom for HOURS on end, going shopping. Everytime the girls (the kids) stay over at their grandparents house, they dont' bring clothes, cuz grandma buys them things.


But basically, he has no money, she is a SAHM, they're poor, but by gawd, they have a 60" tv, a Jag, a minivan, TONS of toys for the kids, a pool, a new BBQ pit, blah blah blah. THey smooch off of her folks and have no problem doing it.


Although, sometimes they have no cell service, no phone, no heat, blah blah blah.......but they do have love,and some wonderful children.





my pet!

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