Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend
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| Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:37pm |
My story is so long, I'll try very hard to put it in a nutshell: I am 29, attractive but with a 'little' weight problem (5'3, 155- see my other post) and have been in a relationship for 6 years (how time flies), which I am recently giving a lot of thought because I am not sure this is the man I want to marry. And the reasons why: he is 34 and works for $10 per hour, which in this area is almost like minimum wage, he has a BA but never utilized it because over the last 6 yrs he couldn't find a decent job. Bottom line: he does not have a career. Financially we get by, make ends meet and live paycheck to paycheck. In his defense I don't have a solid career going either but I work very hard for my money, often 6 days a week, whereas he works 5 days but I have no real resentment there because he works hard M-F as well. I just always imagined that I would be with someone who can support a family while I raise a child for a couple of years if we were to have one one day. In our present situation this would never be possible because without my income we couldn't pay the basic bills. I won't even mention trading our tiny condo for a house with a yard.
Sex is okay, nothing spectacular but I truly am OK with it since I am not the most sexual person.
He is a nice person with flaws, like anyone else. I wish he was more affectionate, however, more romantic, more thoughfull ... but I guess I would settle for anything at this point, as long as he would provide me with a middle class lifestyle. So I guess most things come back to the financial aspects of our relationship.
I have been thinking A LOT about leaving my bofriend in order to pursue something that would give me hope for a more succesful life, moving to a better neighborhood, being able to send our child to a private school, etc. I don't have material things in mind like cars and expensive houses, though.
Here's a problem: I'm terrified of not finding anyone who would want to marry me. I would be near 30 or 30 once I would be single again and I really wouldn't have much time to look before my biological clock will expire. I am beyond terrified when I think about dating again. I am so set in my ways, I cringle when I think about having to shave my legs everyday again, always having to look pretty with makeup and hair done.
And there the whole dating scene. Will I ever find anyone? I hate bars and clubs, what else is there left? I am too old to believe that my prince will arrive on a white horse without me even looking...
Then there's thing with my health: I have a condition which there is no cure for and it basially makes me go to the bathroom ever 2 hrs or so. I understand some men would not want to deal with someone who isn't 100% healthy and this depresses me too.
I don't know what I'm asking here. Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else.
When I was 25 I used to think that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't give our family a certain lifestyle. Now that I'm pushing on 30, I don't know what's worst: being poor or being lonely.

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Just something to consider...
I read somewhere that "all wives are trophy wives" and I must say, my own experience certainly agrees with that statement. What I mean by that is that every man wants to date a woman that he is proud of and can talk about to his friends and aquaintences. My experiences have also shown that birds of a feather flock together... meaning that a successful man with a good career is likely to want a woman with similar values. I think that this is what a lot of people may mean when they've said that it is unrealistic of you to ask others for something you can't or won't provide for yourself. A man is much more likely to give to and respect a woman that he knows can stand on her own two feet.
My advice is that you get out of your current relationship and that you work on yourself. I think you will find what you are looking for, but I think you are much more likely to find the right person if you put yourself in a position where you don't need to find them.
"But, I would love like to know what all recently in this current relationship have you two talked about" by cl-bastphilliy
Marie: Aaa, I've stopped asking him about our future together because he cannot come up with anything new to say. He used to say that he'll get a better job but I think he's too lazy to even apply. I have sent out 20 resumes for him last spring and he even got 4 call backs, which he never answered because he would rather watch tv, drink a case of beer per week and masturbate to porn.
"The post who stated that there aren't many men out there who want an overweight woman who doesn't bother to shave her legs and isn't too interested in sex was right on cue".
LOL, stop it with the shaving already. I meant it as a funny comment on the grind of dating (having to look so pretty on first/ second dates, etc.)
I actually shave. And I am very attractive (minus the 20 pounds I have put on in the last 2 years due to birth control pills, so I can fix that easily). As a friend of mine said to me recently "At least you're not ugly", so yes, I have some advantage already. A trophy wifey. LOL Kidding!
You know what people, I am suprised of the feedback I've received from you. I was secretely hoping for that so called kick in the ass to motivate me to get out of this relationship. And I don't understand the thing about being able to provide for myself first. I am doing that right now, hello? I work and pay all of my bills on time, even help out my bfriend with his. If I could provide for a family of 4 on my own, I'd just go to a sperm bank, I kind of felt like most people out there are still old fashioned in the way of thinking about a man's job on this Earth- supporting their families. I mean, are we supposed to do it all? Give birth and become a CEO? Something's gotta give. Something always suffers and I would rather raise kids than be a pencil pusher. Also, I am responsible in every way possible. I pay taxes, I am a a recycling freak, I love the Earth and animals.... I'm a good person, I just don't understand why I should feel bad about my beliefs.
By the way, isn't it intersting how women tend to put each other down? Meow.
I guess I'll save my dilemma for my therapist.
"I personally don't think it's wrong to end something cuz someone has no ambition to make more money. You just have to have the same values as that person though. Most men who make money, either want a trophy wife, settle for someone they don't want and later cheat, or want a woman with the same values (someone ambitious)".
I am ambitious! I am on my way to earn a MA, it's just taking me longer (I'm 29). I have no kids in tow. I have goals!
Why do you assume that I will be cheated on? It's the most ludicrous thing I have heard in forever. Or that I will not be happy if I marry rich? I know many families who are well off and happy. And what about you? You said you got lucky w/ your bfriend being on his way to earn great income. What makes you say that I will not get lucky? As I have joked already in my other post, I could be a trophy wife already, lol. I used to model (before the weight).
"My experiences have also shown that birds of a feather flock together... meaning that a successful man with a good career is likely to want a woman with similar values. I think that this is what a lot of people may mean when they've said that it is unrealistic of you to ask others for something you can't or won't provide for yourself. A man is much more likely to give to and respect a woman that he knows can stand on her own two feet"
Thank you. Now this makes sense to me. I agree with you. I have never been in denial over the fact that I may not meet anyone "worthy" until my education is completed and I will land a job in my field. Even though it would be wonderful to meet someone sooner, who would recognize the 'good' person in me and decided to marry me anyway, lol.
<< meaning that a successful man with a good career is likely to want a woman with similar values. >>
Values don't equal money or financial status. The definition of success is too often defined by financial status.
I do agree that a successful man with a good career will likely want a woman with similar values. Operative word being values.
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True ... in terms of alliance based on values, compatiblity, ideals, standards, priorities. The only guarantee in life is YOU ... if YOU can't do it, how you can you expect anyone else to do it for you?
<< A man is much more likely to give to and respect a woman that he knows can stand on her own two feet. >>
Not necessarily true. There are a lot of ego-driven men, especially ego-driven men with money, who would like nothing more than to have a women in his life whom he can provide for, bear children with, she becomes a SAHM ... and then he leaves her in 10 years for a younger version ... marrying for money, financial security, providership, etc ... and this is a likely scenario.
Now, I know OP has stated she isn't looking for luxury or a rich guy ... I'll give her props for that ... I'm taking an extreme example above ... she just wants a lifestyle where she can have a husband, kids, put them into good schools and have a comfortable life ... I'm just saying that THIS isn't that unachievable with an everyday-type of guy who has his s^&t together or even on your own ... and I live in one of the most expensive, highest cost of living places in the country ... it's that not unachievable if YOU also have your own you-know-what together and are willing to work for it. That's all.
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Nah, that's not exactly what I meant ... just as you used the shaving the legs thing as an extreme example in the woes of the dating scene... I used the "trade-in for a younger version" analogy as an extreme example ... valuing just for the money, that is a likely scenario. There are lots of everyday, great guys out there who make a GOOD living (and they don't have to bald and overweight! haha. But, to each is own, to some great great girl out there, the bald, overweight guy is a great catch too!)
I'm simply saying, as I've said all along, don't discount all YOUR possibilities of what you can provide and do for YOU ... and WHO you can align with for that to happen for you. That's all. To be quite honest, after all you've said, I'm not sure what it is you want in a man ... but it doesn't sound like the one you've got or you'd be happier in it.
So, expand your options and be happy!!!!
"to each is own, to some great great girl out there, the bald, overweight guy is a great catch too" starbuck70
Actually, I don't even think looks are that important. Personal hygiene is, but not more than that. So I wouldn't mind a bald guy, lol. My current bfriend is short and on the heavy side, so I guess I'm not that shallow.
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<<<>>> I'm assuming that you are including yourself in this statement, right? No one us putting you down. What they're trying to do is get you to open your eyes. It's very simple...if you want to leave your bf, then by all means, do it. If you want your kids in private school, put them there yourself. Yes, sometimes women have to do it all. Sorry, but you have to bring waaay more than looks and a degree in what, history is it? to the table. You are living in a different era. MY mother's generation was the last of the women who stayed home while the man brought home the bacon. It's over. Done. Finished. We as women generally want more for ourselves. Old fashioned, expecting the man to support their families? You betcha. But look at the divorce rate, the number of women who are supporting children on their own. The courts are kept very busy with women trying to get child support out of the men who sired these kids. Let me tell you, if you can't support a family of four now, on the income you currently have, don't have a family of four. There are no guarantees about what the future holds. If you DO manage to find the man who is going to let you sit home all day taking care of the kids while he toils away in the workforce, there is nothing to say that he won't tire of that little scenario and trip on outta there.
Another question...what would you plan on doing with yourself after your children started school? Just curious. Becky
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