Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend
63
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:37pm


My story is so long, I'll try very hard to put it in a nutshell: I am 29, attractive but with a 'little' weight problem (5'3, 155- see my other post) and have been in a relationship for 6 years (how time flies), which I am recently giving a lot of thought because I am not sure this is the man I want to marry. And the reasons why: he is 34 and works for $10 per hour, which in this area is almost like minimum wage, he has a BA but never utilized it because over the last 6 yrs he couldn't find a decent job. Bottom line: he does not have a career. Financially we get by, make ends meet and live paycheck to paycheck. In his defense I don't have a solid career going either but I work very hard for my money, often 6 days a week, whereas he works 5 days but I have no real resentment there because he works hard M-F as well. I just always imagined that I would be with someone who can support a family while I raise a child for a couple of years if we were to have one one day. In our present situation this would never be possible because without my income we couldn't pay the basic bills. I won't even mention trading our tiny condo for a house with a yard.

Sex is okay, nothing spectacular but I truly am OK with it since I am not the most sexual person.

He is a nice person with flaws, like anyone else. I wish he was more affectionate, however, more romantic, more thoughfull ... but I guess I would settle for anything at this point, as long as he would provide me with a middle class lifestyle. So I guess most things come back to the financial aspects of our relationship.

I have been thinking A LOT about leaving my bofriend in order to pursue something that would give me hope for a more succesful life, moving to a better neighborhood, being able to send our child to a private school, etc. I don't have material things in mind like cars and expensive houses, though.

Here's a problem: I'm terrified of not finding anyone who would want to marry me. I would be near 30 or 30 once I would be single again and I really wouldn't have much time to look before my biological clock will expire. I am beyond terrified when I think about dating again. I am so set in my ways, I cringle when I think about having to shave my legs everyday again, always having to look pretty with makeup and hair done.

And there the whole dating scene. Will I ever find anyone? I hate bars and clubs, what else is there left? I am too old to believe that my prince will arrive on a white horse without me even looking...

Then there's thing with my health: I have a condition which there is no cure for and it basially makes me go to the bathroom ever 2 hrs or so. I understand some men would not want to deal with someone who isn't 100% healthy and this depresses me too.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else.

When I was 25 I used to think that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't give our family a certain lifestyle. Now that I'm pushing on 30, I don't know what's worst: being poor or being lonely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 8:47am
Ok, you have spent a few days here going back and forth and back and forth over what you want in terms of the future. Now, I ask right now are you truly happy? I am sure the answer is no that is why you are trying to get someone input on what to do. So, since you are still young and have time to meet the person but know it will take a couple years of knowing them before marriage may come into the picture then go ahead leave the current boyfriend he is holding you back from what you want. Do not worry about if you will find someone. You seem to have it together right now so finding someone shouldn't be hard just continue focusing on working on you and what you want to accomplish in life and he will come. Because he will see you are about getting things done and a go getter and knows he will have to be the same to get you. The longer you agonize over what if you will never actually know and 5 more yrs will pass and then you will really be down and out. Go for what you want and start today because that s the only way to be truly happy.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:02am

Great question Becky, I know I live in a suburban area where the moms are/were SAHM. Many of the families struggled because they had the children while the husband was still establishing himself at work. Most do not go to private school but we live in a great area with great public school system. After the children are in school they do start a house cleaning business or work part time, or the rare I have met that continued to have children and family continued to struggle. I am a single mom and I worked graveyard and did all the mommy things with my son during the day so I have forged many friendship and here many stories of how these women were really living. You did not see a medium happy family with young children. because those with young children (at the time my son was 4, so been knowing the women for 3 yrs) only had the one income and there always seemed to be another one on the way (average family size here is 6, at least 4 kids) so financially they were strained for the first 10 yrs. As dad was getting things going mom is home. That was the happy family. You had those who carefully planned but that was the mom who has the best car and shops all the time and never had to want for anything. Well that dad is the one we never saw at the soccer games and at times mom would be crying because she hasn't seem him enough. But, that is what she wanted and on the outside it looks happy till you get to know them.


Kylie, I do not think everyone is jumping on you. You have to think most of the women here are in their mid 30's and above. Many have divorced or wanting out of the seemingly happy family. Many women do not leave and stay because they haven't worked in years and do not know what to do with themselves afterwards. Heck how do you think IVillage has gotten so big. You have so many areas and many do not want you to be duped. That is why so many say do it for yourself and that meaning start a little nest egg now so when the time comes if your husband say just started his law career and things are tight but you still can stay above water and when a child comes who knows what expenses come with that and no one has ever been really prepared because each instance is different.


So again, move on from this bf and get a roommate some where so you can share expenses while you finish school. Start a little nest egg for future planning and family. Then you are on your way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:25am

You're looking for validation that your BF is a lazy bum. Personally, if I had a BF who sat around all day drinking beer and masturbating, I'd have gotten rid of him a long time ago. Also, have you ever thought that your pushing him to improve himself is getting you the opposite results from what you want? You send out resumes for him. You see yourself as driven and motivated, whereas you see him as worthless and unable to provide you with a decent future. Have you ever thought maybe he feels he'll never be able to give you what you want so why bother? He knows the kind of man you want and he's not it. How that must hurt.

I'm not defending him. I don't know him and I'm not living with him. But I think the problem here is you want HIM to change. That's not going to happen. You chose him several years ago to be in a relationship with, and he must have been up to your standards then; now you want more from him and he's falling short. That's really not fair of you. You're making demands on him that are causing him to dig his heels in and wonder why all of a sudden you no longer like him the way he is. Suddenly you want more from him than you did in the past not because you want better for him, but because you want better for yourself. I'm sure he's not stupid and he can see through that.

I think you've been given lots of good advice. Most people have said leave him if you're unhappy and find someone who will be a better match. I don't think anyone has put you down at all. And no one here is catty. You're looking for everyone to say "oh, yes. Your BF should get off his butt and make a nice, safe home for you and children that haven't even been conceived yet." You didn't start out asking "how can I motivate my BF to try a little harder at finding a better job, etc." You came here with the idea that he should be busting his chops getting a big education and big job just so you can stay home and raise kids. Your posts came across a bit self-centered; with no thought for your BF at all. And maybe that is why you think you got some less than supportive posts.

If what you want is a stay at home lifestyle, then you will have to find a man to provide that for you. But you need to get the idea out of your head that men were put on this earth to support you. That is a dangerous concept, and many a woman (including myself) has found herself high and dry because she put her faith and trust in a man she thought would take care of her and her kids. Are we supposed to do it all? Plenty of women do. I do, everyday. I've been a single mom for 6 years. My ex-husband hasn't seen his son since we separated. I've dealt with all the issues and problems of raising a teenage boy by myself. I also work full-time, pay my bills, keep a house, take care of my elderly father, and maintain a relationship with my BF. You do what you gotta do. But don't think for a minute that having a husband that makes 6 figures is going to guarantee you lifetime security. I think that's what a number of posters have been trying to tell you. You marry someone because you love them, not because they can take care of you and give you the lifestyle you desire. Marrying for security is a retro concept, and one that has ended many marriages.

If you are unhappy with your BF and feel he's not the man for you, get rid of him. It's that simple. But choose another man for the right reasons - because he's caring, loving, and treats you well. Don't choose one just because you think he will make you a stay at home mom. In the end, security without love means nothing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:41am
That was a good post, thank you for sharing it with me. Can I tell you something. I am from San Antonio, Texas, born bred and raised. I attended large schools. I'm not ignorant in the ways of the world. I am also 47 years old, and I've been around town a little. Now, I live in a rural area in Oklahoma. One thing I notice around here and in parents generally is that #1..they live vicariously through their kids. These would be the parents on the sidelines pushing little Johnny of Betty to do better, harder, faster. They failed themselves so they want to make sure their kids don't do the same. #2...In this area, where the average class size is 22, parents raise these kids to feel like they are something special in the world. It's a competition thing, not a "kid is special to parent" thing. These parents push and push and push, and buy their kids the best of everything b/c NOBODY'S kid is going to be better dressed, etc. than THEIR kid. These same parents buy their little precious and brand new sports car when they turn 16 and wonder why they don't respect them, driving like crazy, trashing the cars, wrecking them. Once in awhile something terrible happens and we are attending the funeral of someone way too young to be there. More often than not, the kid was drinking and driving. The parent is left shaking their head, wondering how this could have happened. THEIR kid was special, you see. Then these same "special" kids hit the real world and realize much to their dismay that they are no better than anyone else, that no one else seems to see their "specialness" and they are expected to act and behave according to the guidelines set forth in society. Imagine their disbelief. "You expect me to actually DO something for the check that you give me once a week?" mentality. They're special, see. There is a whole generation of children being raised in this scenario. Our kids are special to US, that is a fact, but we are not teaching them the realities of the world. I'm sorry, but I have a 4yo, had him when I was 42, and he's the youngest of 4. He's special to me. But I don't think that he has to have name-brand everything at age 4 just to keep up with what the Jones' are putting on their kids. I'd rather put the money saved into his college fund. Hopefully he'd do something productive with it. My daughters both drive new cars bought and paid for themselves. You bet they don't trash them.
The original poster here is living in a dream world, I think. She just doesn't realize that things aren't the way they used to be. Any given one of us can look around and see SAHM's and WM's...each one's life is different. You were right on cue about hubby working himself to death so mama can stay home and they can enjoy a certain lifestyle. I have no qualms about SAHM's...I was one. But to expect to have your kids in private school and to spend your days at the mall while hubby toils away is unrealistic. Those who choose to stay at home usually make the sacrifices necessary to do so, and do it willingly. Driving the older car, shopping at Wal-Mart instead of the Gap, etc. She missed what we were trying to tell her. What she doesn't realize is that by growing as a person, becoming well-rounded, well defined as a human being, doing all the things ON YOUR OWN makes you more attractive to the opposite sex. You have something interesting to bring to the table...yourself. So we're catty. I say shame on her for throwing stones at the people whom she chose to ask a question of just b/c she didn't like what we had to say. We didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. As women, we owe it to each other not to sugar-coat the truth. Sometimes said truth hurts, but the truth it is nonetheless. Thanks for listening to my tangent....sometimes I don't know when to stop. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:11am
I get that way sometimes myself, so do not worry. I think the OP came for one response but got another. She wanted us to focus on the bf but we all dismissed that because that is a no brainer. If he is not what you want or you are unhappy then move on. They are not married and have no children so I know I do tend to think that is relatively easy. Doesn't matter when people say "but I love him", because even that to me is not enough. because if you loved him so much you would accept him flaws and all because who he is today was who he was when you first met him. The one thing I also notice is people are in such a hurry to settle down and want a life like things use to be (when things were much cheaper to live and get by with less) but do not take the time to date like it use to be. They move in together, have sex before marriage, and many times do not continue life like they did before meeting the guy. So, I think a lot of things we can want to have things as they were but then you have to ask yourself are you living like they use to. Do you demand a man open doors for you. I mean I know I will sit in the car till he comes and opens the door. If I go out with a guy and he doesn't open a door then that is the first and last date. I think what you put out there is what you get back. Let me get some work done, or at least go take a break.. lol
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 11:35am
kyliebeee
I think you need to leave your boyfriend.
I think you can take care of yourself without him.
When you move on without him the right man will appear.
You won't be questioning if he is right for you.
I do think there are some bitter women replying to you.
I believe to each his own in whatever lifestyle one wants to live.
Just because they may have had a bitter divorce and are now on their own does not mean it has to be that way.
In fact I wonder if your boyfriend only stays because it's easy for him for you to take care of everything.
Don't worry about being to old. It's far better to find happiness now and not regret in the future. It's worth the gamble.
I don't think there is an age limit to happiness and love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 11:35am

Haven't read your other posts but I can tell you two things that I'm 99% certain you can absolutely count on. They are:

TRUTH #1. You're worried you're too old at 30? Hon.... you're out of your mind. You have a solid 20 years. Let me spell that out. TWENTY YEARS - at least - to find another man. You have truly only just begun. This worry is silly, unnecessary, and I suspect, may even be an excuse you're giving yourself to avoid leaving a 6-year relationship. Women are still young, sexy, desirable and attractive at 40. Today, you're not really middle aged until you hit 50. And there are lots of 50-something singles who are active, attractive, and having great sex. I happen to be one of them.

TRUTH #2. To be even moderately successful in the dating world, you will need to lose some weight. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. I'm not being superficial or shallow. I'm being honest, brutally honest. It is the number one - NUMBER ONE - criteria of most men, and the number one complaint they have about women. Hon..... get going. It will boost your self confidence and self esteem. It will also make you a whole lot healthier.

Hugs.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 12:13pm
ooohh girlfriend, well said!! My SO still opens my door, over a year later and once when he forgot I just stood there. Don't you know he hopped his happy self out and ran over to open it. It's not me, per se, he really is just that way. A gentleman. But I'm a lady and expect to be treated as such. You're right, and you said exactly what I told my own daughters....you will be treated according to how you behave. If you don't behave in a respectful manner, you won't be respected. Of course, according to my mama, a woman is someone who should a. be a hostess in the home, b. a cook in the kitchen, and c. a wh**e in the bedroom. She was, God rest her soul, the epitome of the true southern lady. The best advice I ever received...lol. Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 12:27pm
Kudos to you!!! I happen to be 40something but 50 is barreling at me like a runaway freight train....
I have happily joined the same ranks but I happen to be having the "great sex" part with a man 10yrs younger....the best compliment I ever received was when I made the remark that I "wasn't bad for my age" he countered with "you're not bad for ANY age"...and he meant it. This from a guy who was 20something. Just goes to show that women are beautiful at any age....
What you stated about the weight issue...I happen to be living proof that men just aren't attracted to overweight women, so I lost 130lbs. 6 yrs. ago. BUT I did it for me. That I noticed men starting to notice ME was a definite plus, and a boost to the ego...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 1:49pm
Ok, kyliebeee, now that you've read all the posts...do you know what you want to do? I mean we ALL know about your lofty ambitions....I want to know if you've made a decision regarding your b/f. You wanted validation to remove him and I think you got that. You know that there are other fish in the sea, and it doesn't sound as if you're sooo heavy that another man wouldn't be attracted to you. I think you'll find that if you get out on your own, making your own choices and decisions without having to consider someone else's feelings, you'll find that you're happier, more stable, and will probably wonder why you stayed so long in the first place. If you do decide to give him the boot, please..if you never take another piece of advice...don't go "looking" for someone else. Enjoy dating. Have fun. Do things you enjoy. Shave your legs (teasing). Make lots of friends. Create a life for yourself and fill it with things that make you happy. As women our lives shouldn't be about "some man"...they should be about us. Only us. The other people in our lives are there b/c we want them to be, b/c they enrich our lives, not b/c we NEED them there, for security, stability, whatever. Be your own person. Assert yourself. Learn who YOU really are and what you are. Take your time. You have all the time in the world. Good luck to you, I wish you all the best...Becky

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