Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend
63
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:37pm


My story is so long, I'll try very hard to put it in a nutshell: I am 29, attractive but with a 'little' weight problem (5'3, 155- see my other post) and have been in a relationship for 6 years (how time flies), which I am recently giving a lot of thought because I am not sure this is the man I want to marry. And the reasons why: he is 34 and works for $10 per hour, which in this area is almost like minimum wage, he has a BA but never utilized it because over the last 6 yrs he couldn't find a decent job. Bottom line: he does not have a career. Financially we get by, make ends meet and live paycheck to paycheck. In his defense I don't have a solid career going either but I work very hard for my money, often 6 days a week, whereas he works 5 days but I have no real resentment there because he works hard M-F as well. I just always imagined that I would be with someone who can support a family while I raise a child for a couple of years if we were to have one one day. In our present situation this would never be possible because without my income we couldn't pay the basic bills. I won't even mention trading our tiny condo for a house with a yard.

Sex is okay, nothing spectacular but I truly am OK with it since I am not the most sexual person.

He is a nice person with flaws, like anyone else. I wish he was more affectionate, however, more romantic, more thoughfull ... but I guess I would settle for anything at this point, as long as he would provide me with a middle class lifestyle. So I guess most things come back to the financial aspects of our relationship.

I have been thinking A LOT about leaving my bofriend in order to pursue something that would give me hope for a more succesful life, moving to a better neighborhood, being able to send our child to a private school, etc. I don't have material things in mind like cars and expensive houses, though.

Here's a problem: I'm terrified of not finding anyone who would want to marry me. I would be near 30 or 30 once I would be single again and I really wouldn't have much time to look before my biological clock will expire. I am beyond terrified when I think about dating again. I am so set in my ways, I cringle when I think about having to shave my legs everyday again, always having to look pretty with makeup and hair done.

And there the whole dating scene. Will I ever find anyone? I hate bars and clubs, what else is there left? I am too old to believe that my prince will arrive on a white horse without me even looking...

Then there's thing with my health: I have a condition which there is no cure for and it basially makes me go to the bathroom ever 2 hrs or so. I understand some men would not want to deal with someone who isn't 100% healthy and this depresses me too.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else.

When I was 25 I used to think that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't give our family a certain lifestyle. Now that I'm pushing on 30, I don't know what's worst: being poor or being lonely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 4:24pm

<< <<<>>> I'm assuming that you are including yourself in this statement, right? No one us putting you down.>>

Good point, Becky! I shared my story as an illustration of being able to have "the good life" with or without a man's providership ... I thought MAYBE it might show her that we all have the ability WITHIN ... and all I got back from Kyliebeee was a sarcastic "good for you, you have drive and a broke boyfriend!"

{{{tisk-tisk}}} to Kylie ... saying that we're being catty when you were VERY clearly catty to me with that remark.

But, really ... I don't care ... I'm happy with my life, what I've accomplished in it and I'm happy with my loving boyfriend ... but, be careful of callin' the kettle black, Kylie ... nobody here has put you down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 5:16pm

Kylie,


I never said you'd get cheated on or that you wouldn't get lucky. However, I did state that you're already settling for someone that just plain isn't what you want.


My two cents.


LEAVE HIM. Finish up your degree, lose some weight, or at least, find a healthy lifestyle. Don't blame the BCP's. If there's weight gain, and this is what the docs say, you don't gain 20lbs. you gain like 5lbs, MAYBE 10lbs. Some even help you LOSE weight.


At 30. I have been married twice and divorced twice. I finished up my BS at 27. I don't have a career. I met dbf right as he got laid off and had no job for 3 months. He lives at home with his folks, so do I. Sad and pathetic, huh? Most men kinda wouldn't date me BECAUSE I lived at home with my folks. Well, okay. I wouldn't want to date a man that lived at home either. I only dated dbf cuz I know his history (he's my brother's friend).




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:28pm

"But don't think for a minute that having a husband that makes 6 figures is going to guarantee you lifetime security"

I know that! That's why I am getting an education. I know I will too get old and wrinkly and my boobs will get saggy and there might be a good chance that my husband will trade me in for a younger woman. I work with two women whom it happened to so I have heard all the stories. I have heard about the loves of their lives leaving them high and dry for no good reason and now they have to fight over child support.... I realize that no one and nothing can protect me from that happening to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:42pm

"Driving the older car, shopping at Wal-Mart instead of the Gap, etc."

I don't support what Walmart stand for: How Wal-Mart lowers wages among working families and crushes family businesses. It not only pays workers less than most of its retail competitors, two-thirds of workers don't have health-care coverage -- a cost taxpayers are picking up across the country.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:48pm

"Do you demand a man open doors for you. I mean I know I will sit in the car till he comes and opens the door. If I go out with a guy and he doesn't open a door then that is the first and last date"

Amen. Although sometimes I get asked why I didn't just get out of the car, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:54pm
And if asked that I would be moving on. You know what you want. So what are you going to do now?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:58pm

"It is the number one - NUMBER ONE - criteria of most men, and the number one complaint they have about women"

I know! Why do you think I was obessing over losing the weight in my previous post? Even though I not a cow yet (I'm pushing on size 12), I really do miss being a size 6.

Actually I have lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks by just not eating as much. It hurts like hell not eating, especially when one goes to bed on empty stomach but beauty is pain, n'est pas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:16pm
I don't know. I think I might have to sell my condo and split the money with my bfriend because he helped me with the rent. That would be the 'right' thing to do, wouldn't be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 10:40pm
This is just me, but I would just break up with him. Splitting the rent he had to pay were he lived but it was in your name. He can go but I wouldn't be offering him any money. That is a chance you take when living with someone. I guess since I was married 5 1/2 yrs though I paid most of the mortgage and I knew my sons father couldn't afford it alone I offered to stay and he go and we swap my name on the deed. He refused because he was out of a place. When he sold the house I did not expect anything though I paid because no matter where I lived I would have had to pay. So to me just letting him know it is over and to be nice offer him 30 days to find a place is good enough.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 2:38am

Unless he has been paying more than 1/2 of the market rent for your condo, OR you had an agreement that he was earning equity, no, it wouldn't be fair for him to get part of the proceeds.

Would you sell the condo and split the proceeds with a roommate who was paying you rent?

Sheri

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