Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Safe unaffectionate poor safe bfriend
63
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 9:37pm


My story is so long, I'll try very hard to put it in a nutshell: I am 29, attractive but with a 'little' weight problem (5'3, 155- see my other post) and have been in a relationship for 6 years (how time flies), which I am recently giving a lot of thought because I am not sure this is the man I want to marry. And the reasons why: he is 34 and works for $10 per hour, which in this area is almost like minimum wage, he has a BA but never utilized it because over the last 6 yrs he couldn't find a decent job. Bottom line: he does not have a career. Financially we get by, make ends meet and live paycheck to paycheck. In his defense I don't have a solid career going either but I work very hard for my money, often 6 days a week, whereas he works 5 days but I have no real resentment there because he works hard M-F as well. I just always imagined that I would be with someone who can support a family while I raise a child for a couple of years if we were to have one one day. In our present situation this would never be possible because without my income we couldn't pay the basic bills. I won't even mention trading our tiny condo for a house with a yard.

Sex is okay, nothing spectacular but I truly am OK with it since I am not the most sexual person.

He is a nice person with flaws, like anyone else. I wish he was more affectionate, however, more romantic, more thoughfull ... but I guess I would settle for anything at this point, as long as he would provide me with a middle class lifestyle. So I guess most things come back to the financial aspects of our relationship.

I have been thinking A LOT about leaving my bofriend in order to pursue something that would give me hope for a more succesful life, moving to a better neighborhood, being able to send our child to a private school, etc. I don't have material things in mind like cars and expensive houses, though.

Here's a problem: I'm terrified of not finding anyone who would want to marry me. I would be near 30 or 30 once I would be single again and I really wouldn't have much time to look before my biological clock will expire. I am beyond terrified when I think about dating again. I am so set in my ways, I cringle when I think about having to shave my legs everyday again, always having to look pretty with makeup and hair done.

And there the whole dating scene. Will I ever find anyone? I hate bars and clubs, what else is there left? I am too old to believe that my prince will arrive on a white horse without me even looking...

Then there's thing with my health: I have a condition which there is no cure for and it basially makes me go to the bathroom ever 2 hrs or so. I understand some men would not want to deal with someone who isn't 100% healthy and this depresses me too.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Should I look for a new man or do I have enough going to at least know that this guy can give me kids, if nothing else.

When I was 25 I used to think that I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't give our family a certain lifestyle. Now that I'm pushing on 30, I don't know what's worst: being poor or being lonely.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:28am
I think it would be fair for the guy to get a half. He did contribute to the bills so its like him giving her something and not getting anything in return. Besides it would be such a classy gesture on her part. Couldn't he sue for the half anyway, even though its her place?
Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 8:56am

That's a noble gesture, but I shop at Wal-Mart because it saves ME money. I make so little money as it is; when it comes down to the nitty-gritty I look out for myself first. If a store can offer me a better price on the products I need, I'm going to shop there.

As for business ethics, have you ever checked the Made In tags in high priced merchandise from places like Abercrombie or the Gap? Most of this clothing is made in places like Macau or Indonesia or some other pitifully poor country. It probably takes pennies to make a T-shirt that eventually sells for $25.00 and Americans parade about in these clothes, being nothing more than a walking billboard for that company. Meanwhile, the workers who made that shirt earn a pathetic living with NO healthcare or other benefits whatsoever.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 9:18am

As for business ethics, have you ever checked the Made In tags in high priced merchandise from places like Abercrombie or the Gap? Most of this clothing is made in places like Macau or Indonesia or some other pitifully poor country. It probably takes pennies to make a T-shirt that eventually sells for $25.00 and Americans parade about in these clothes, being nothing more than a walking billboard for that company. Meanwhile, the workers who made that shirt earn a pathetic living with NO healthcare or other benefits whatsoever.

We should start another thread, lol. Yes, I agree with you, other companies are not that much better, however WalMart is notorious and the worst when it comes to bad behaviour! THE WORST! My brother used to be the assistant manager there, I know what goes on firs hand! They did not want to give him time off when his baby was born, etc. etc. We gotta get our shopping done somewhere so if we just weed out the really bad guys, we'll make a small difference in the World. It amazes me how little Americans are concerned with globalization (especially its negative effects) and where our tax money is really going. Another fact: when in high school many of my friends worked in retail and they received $2 more in hourly salary plus benefits than if they worked at Walmart, so speaking of looking out for yourself first...

Like I said, I think it would be only fair to Kylie to start a new thread if we choose to continue this discussion.

Split the money girl, he won't harrass you for anything later (like the furniture that I'm sure you purchased together).

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 11:18am

Again, would you give a roommate half your equity? That's just silly, IMO. If that were the way things worked, no homeowner would ever take a roommate! He got a place to *live* in return for paying rent, that's a fair exchange.

Sure, he *could* sue her, but unless they had an agreement in place that he was paying towards equity, and/or unless he's paying more than 1/2 of what the market rent would be (i.e, paying half her mortgage, paying half the upkeep on the place, etc.), it's doubtful he could recover anything.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 11:31am

A hint that a doctor gave to me one time about weight loss that really works for me: "Imagine the hunger pangs as your body killing fat cells to survive." It really works. You imagine the pangs as positive instead of negative. You might want to try it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:09pm

<< Again, would you give a roommate half your equity? That's just silly, IMO. If that were the way things worked, no homeowner would ever take a roommate! He got a place to *live* in return for paying rent, that's a fair exchange.>>

I completely agree with Sheri and other posters. Paying rent doesn't mean he gets that money back when he moves out. He's been paying for the right to live there. That is just silly to give away half your equity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2005
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 6:37pm

That is just silly to give away half your equity.

Well, maybe I was just speakign more for myself. I too lived with someone for over 5 years and we split all the house expenses in two. Also I was unemployed for 3 months during the five year period and by live in bofriend picked up the tab for ALL the expenses without saying much. It was sad when we broke up but I felt as after such a long time of living with him I should have given him something for helping me with paying the bills so shortly after we broke up I sold the place and gave him 20K. I kind of felt good abotu it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 5:59pm
I think she misses the major point of importance...it's not whether or not the b/f is broke, it's what he would do with his last dime...My SO is a blue-collar guy, works hard for every penny. BUT he would give me his last dime if I needed it or made a request for it. Would do so unhesitatingly and without reserve. My kids' dad, who I was married to for 23 years and was highly successful in business, kept the purse strings locked tight. I had to show him the receipt when I went to the grocery store!!! Just goes to show, you'd better be careful what you ask for. You just may get it. Personally, there are much, much, much worse things than a broke boyfriend. Some people just have their priorities screwed up. JMHO, Becky
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 6:04pm
I don't care what you say about Wal-Mart...they are a major employer in this area. If it weren't for them, a lot of people would be out of work and the taxpayers would be paying for more than their health-care coverage. Who pays for yours, by the way??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Sat, 04-23-2005 - 6:14pm
Touche...do we need to mention to fact that a lot of the workers are underage, children at that???

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