Saw Ex over holidays...

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Registered: 10-01-2004
Saw Ex over holidays...
10
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 6:38pm

that I'd posted about earlier and everything went well, we hung out several times that week and it seemed like we hadn't missed a beat. The last night we hung out (the night before I left to come back to Chicago) we discussed things (I'm moving home in two weeks). He said he wanted to get back together but that he didn't want to rush things but that it wouldn't take long (for us to be back together) and that the time we'd spent together meant a lot to him. We were on the same page about everything, I didn't want to rush things either, and we agreed on everything.

However, I am completely confused now. I've been back in Chicago this week and he seems to be ignoring me. I texted him Saturday, Sunday and Monday, nothing major, just asking him how he was and then on Monday I asked if something was wrong because I hadn't heard anything. His reply (finally) was "everything was fine and that he'd just been busy." I still felt like something was off (nobody is too busy for a minute to reply if they really wanted to) so on Tuesday I text him and no reply and finally on Wednesday I told him I was starting to feel like a fool because and that I felt like he was blowing me off. He finally responds and says that I shouldn't feel like a fool and that his mom and stepdad are having some issues and he didn't want to talk about and he said he'd call me soon." I apologized to him for jumping the gun (even though I still felt he could have mentioned something to me instead of just ignoring me). So here it is on Saturday and I finally texted him again saying I thought there was something else going on because it had been over a week and that I felt stupid for chasing him like this, I sent him the last message hours ago and no reply.

I know I'm chasing him and I hate that I feel "needy" but I don't know what is going on and I don't think it's what he says is going on. I'm sure he is going out with his friends and not ignoring them so I feel like it is something to do with me even though when we left everything seemed fine. I should probably mention that this was one of the isusues we had in the past, he just sort of shuts down and if something is bothering him he ignores me, in return I become more desperate to hear from him and it's the classic push/pull scenario. He also did this when we broke up, he ignored me for two weeks so of course I'm thinking that is what's about to happen again.

I'm not sure what to do, I've thought about calling him but I know he won't pick up the phone if he won't reply to a text message. I'm on the verge of just calling everything off before I invest anything further, I forgave him for the past but he doesn't seem to have changed by his behavior this past week. Another part of me (although a very slim part) says to just give him his space and that maybe it doesn't have to do with me. At the very least I'm not contacting him again. I don't want to push him away but I don't think he cares if he is just ignoring me. I'm confused and not sure what I should do??

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 1:27pm

Well, he's showing you that he hasn't changed in that respect. Do you really want to be with someone who does that? My ex was like that and it's the most maddening thing, *especially* long distance. And when we finally talked, he'd be all "don't take it personally"...and I would say, "I'm not thinking that I *caused* you to be upset and withdraw but regardless of *why* you did so, it affected me." But he had no empathy for anyone's feelings other than his own.

So, whether his not calling does or doesn't have anything to do with you, doesn't really matter. The question is, can you accept this behavior in a partner?

Sheri

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Registered: 10-01-2004
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 5:03pm

It was a big issue with us before and I'm dissapointed he seems to be the same way in that regard. I really don't think I can deal with this type of indifference towards me regardless of what he says is causing it. My text messages clearly relay that I'm upset by his acting like this and he doesn't care enough to repond with something even just to make me feel better. This has been going on for over a week, I think I'm just going to ignore him if I he responds, I just don't think I have anything to say to him right now.

What really bothers me is I'm sure he is going out with his friends and talking to them so it's not like he's just withdrawn from the world entirely, I just seem to be the one he ignores, at least I feel like that. Like you said, he doesn't seem to care about my feelings at all, he knows I'm upset by what he's doing.

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 11:35am
You said this is one of the reasons for your first breakup. SO I would say move on. You have a slight indication that he has not changed this part about himself and it is something that bothered you before. So just leave it be and look somewhere else because this will end up being madness to you just to get him to let you in which he shows he is not trying to.

Marie

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Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:51pm

This is mostly just a vent but feel free to respond:

He texted me last night out of the blue and it just said "miss you", I was going to ignore him and then apparently after me not responding he said "don't be a brat." I was confused so I texted him and just said I'm so confused, and asked if he had he gotten my other messages. He said for me not to worry about that and that I meant a lot to him. I responded with that he couldn't just ignore someone and that it really upset me, he texted back with "please don't hate me, I'm really sorry."

Even though I was having this issue I was willing to see what he had to say and to give it a last ditch effort. We are fighting yet again, this time over New Year's Eve. To make a long story short I had asked him about NYE when we saw each other last and we both said we were going to do something, I texted him tonight and just asked about NYE, he replied with that he has plans but they could change. I told him that I thought we had made plans (we definitely did make plans) and asked if he didn't want to do something now? I also said I didn't care what we did (I didn't mind doing something with his friends), just that I wanted to spend time together. His response was the very mature "stop busting my balls".

I'm just finally and actually done at this point. This latest display of his behavior is the final straw with me, that and whole ignoring me for a week deal that really upset me. He is running over me like an emotional doormat although he claims to care deeply about me, I'm so confused by the contradictions and the push/pull behavior. So, I told him I needed him to call me tonight (he works late). I want to actually talk to him so that I can just quit things once and for all. I don't see how this will work, he isn't making any efort at all and I can't figure out why he is saying certain things and then doing the complete opposite. The sad truth is he may not call, he knows I'm upset with him so he may wait a few days and then do something easy like text me. I'm tired of the text messages.

If he doesn't call me tonight then I will probably just blow him off to end this insane circle I've put myself back into. I really care for him and I thought this could possibly work and I really wanted it to but I'm not going to be blind.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 11:59am

I totally understand wanting to have that last phone call. That kept me hooked into my last relationship for way too long, as my ex would refuse to call me back and allow me to have a proper breakup call with him. I finally had to do it by email (which he never responded to). Then we started talking again because of the hurricane and I found myself right back in the same position. Our last conversation was over 3 weeks ago and it was a "fish or cut bait" conversation on my part...he said all the right things about wanting to continue and improving his communication, but then just stopped all contact, and won't return my phone calls or emails (like your guy, saying one thing and then doing the complete opposite. It's so maddening!). Again, his behavior is forcing me to deal with this on my own without any explanation or real closure from him. Of course, I know I need to get my own closure, but it would help if we could have at least had a civilized, this just isn't meant to be conversation. But it's not going to happen.

Anyway, I'm telling you all this to warn you not to use wanting that final phone call as a reason to keep going...most likely you'll just end up in a similar frustrating position.

Sheri

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Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:35pm

We are having that phone call tonight, he said he was working really late last night but that he would call me tonight "for sure." I have written down things I want to say, only because once I start talking to him I'll forget or I'll brush them aside. The temptation is there to keep this going but I know in my heart he won't make the effort that is needed. In a way I take some of the blame because I think I've made it too easy for him, he really hasn't had to work for me, I just sort of appeared back in his life and never asked for an effort, I just asked how he felt and then we started talking about getting back together.

We would only have been long distance for just another two weeks or so, we are for the most part fine when we are together but he has just been acting so difficult this week and I'm seeing the true colors.

Do you know (or at least have an idea) of why some guys act like this? Why do they push you away and then pull you back like this? I can't figure it out. The only thing I can seem to come up with is he genuinely likes me but doesn't know if he wants a relationship (although he says he does) but at the same time doesn't want to lose me altogether??

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 2:31pm

I don't think there's any one size fits all answer...I think there are a number of disorders that cause this type of behavior. Some possibilities are depression, narcissism, and commitment issues, and of course someone can suffer from more than one of these.

I've done a lot of analysing of "why" my ex is this way, but you know what? At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter "why"...what matters is that is HOW HE IS, and unless he gets professional help and does the hard work of changing, that's just how it's going to be.

But, to the extent you find reading about possible reasons helpful, a few books that have helped are "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, their new book on narcissism (can't remember the title off the top of my head), and two books by Terrance Real: "I Don't Want to Talk about It" (about male depression) and "How Can I Get Through to You?" (about the effect of how men tend to be socialized in our society has on romantic relationships).

Sheri

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Registered: 06-22-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 2:58pm
Why don't you cancel tonight's talk and just save it for when you are back home? Maybe once you are there he will change and the "talk" doesn't have to take place. Now if you are back at home and he continues to act this way than have that talk with him. What is the point of having a talk tonight and he will promise to change but than you will be back to square one tomorrow night. Just save it until you get back home.
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Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:09pm

He called me tonight from work and we talked a little bit but nothing major since he was at work, he works for a major delivery company and is extra busy this time of year so he has been working all day until midnight and sometimes later. Anyways, I'm going home this weekend for a friend's party so I'm going to see him and talk to him a little bit then. I would rather talk in person and since I have the opportunity I am going to take advantage of that.

We have never done any type of distance relationship before together so I'm sure that doesn't help anything out either, I was just very hurt by how he was last week, and last night I was really mad about the whole NYE thing.

Until I see him I'm going to read up on some of the material Sheri mentioned as well. I don't know what is going to happen, he really needs to make an effort with me but I would rather have a conversation in person.

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Registered: 06-22-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 3:03pm
You're making the right choice. Good Luck and let us know how it went.
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