Say Something or Keep Quiet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Say Something or Keep Quiet?
9
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:02pm

One of my closest friends is moving at the end of this month to be closer to his ex-wife. They have two (2) kids together, share custody, and currently live over two (2) hours apart... he has the kids all week long and she has them on the weekends and it's been difficult on them. We have an interesting relationship - we've worked together for over a year and up until last August, I was in a serious relationship. He became interested in me while I was still with my ex and I had feelings for him as well. As soon as my ex and I broke up, we became involved (and I mean as soon as - the day after). The relationship continued for a couple of months and then the physical aspect of it stopped without explanation. I started seeing someone else, as did he... we remained friends and it crossed the line again about a month ago, but hasn't happened since... I know I love him. I feel closer to him in these nine (9) months than I did with my ex in a 2-year relationship. I feel selfish telling him the way I feel, knowing all these things he has on his plate, but I wonder if I'll regret it if I don't. Plus, we had dinner on Monday and I have the feeling he doesn't feel the same way about me... so I think I should just let it go... who knows...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:17pm

jenny072603...

Considering the fact that the 2 of you only have a close friendship...and are no longer in bed with each other...Pianoguy thinks you should "clam up!" You have no hold on this gentleman whatsoever!

If he has a reason for getting closer to an EX/WIFE...whether it's for the benefit of the children or something else...shouldn't that choice be his?

I'm sure you'll hate hearing this, but there's often a big difference between LOVE PARTNERS....and PARTNERS IN LUST!

And (to me) it sounds like you both fall into category #2?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:26pm
Point well taken - thank you for your input!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:36pm

Hi Jenny:

Oh, that is heartbreaking, Jenny. I think when we come out of a relationship, we really need to take the time to "grieve" the loss--even if it was our choice to end. You guys got together before you had a chance to process what happened with the last guy. And you became intimate (as we all do!) before there was a chance to build the emotional commitment and readiness.

I hear that you love him, Jenny, and I totally believe you. Should you tell him? Yes, IF you can handle that he may not feel as you do. Sometimes, we need an answer so that we can heal and move on.

While I don't think he's on the same page with you, if you tell him, you may be able to release him in loving acceptance. That will give you a great position to heal from him. I hope you will come and join me and many other women on the mars venus boards in intimate discussion about how we heal form our losses. It helps to have the love and support of others going through your process. beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 1:54pm

Thank you for your kind words... as far as healing from the last one, I hear you and agree completely. It was a devastating loss for me... I moved 1100 miles to be with him, we lived together for eight (8) months... I went home for a week last August and came back to a house that was no longer mine. We broke up and within 2 1/2 months, he was engaged to someone else. The new guy (smile) helped me through a lot of heartache and I'm so glad he was there for me. I truly believe people enter your life for a very certain purpose and maybe that was why he was there. Maybe we're not meant to be together, but just for that moment... I am now in therapy to help me with what happened with the old guy and it's doing tremendous things for me. I should join the board :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 6:25pm

Dear Jenny

I'm so glad to hear that you are in therapy and are dealing with all the losses and deep pain you have suffered from. Awesome you to start that path. I truly do think the mars venus boards can help you too, so please come and join the beautiful women of those threads. Healing from life long pains that get added to when we love fails us--and sometimes more than once--is what tempers us, Jenny. We change from the broken bit we were to a new, strong, and wise woman!

It's a path with suffering, but so much magical transformation as well! Best wishes. beyondmeasure

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 4:20pm

When I'm not sure if I wnat to tell someone something.........I ask myself. "what will the other person gain from me telling them"?


Usually, in these instances, where one feels they MUST tell the other how they feel, even if they are pretty sure, or completely 100% sure the other doesn't feel it, I will be honest, I feel it's out of purely selfish reasons.


What will he get out of you telling him that you still love him? Do you think it will make his life easier? Do you think he'll be happy and then move? Do you think he'll just say ILY back? Or do you think it'll just make YOU feel better?


This is my two cents. I would say don't tell him unless you feel this information will make his life somehow better. If you STILL feel a need to tell him, ask him for his addy after he moves, write him a letter (handwritten), stating how you didn't want to interupt his life with your unspoken feelings, however.....................(enter what you want here) and then tell him that you dn't expect any feelings in return, nor even a response. and then do the best thing you can, and NOT expect it.


I had an x-fiance once say that he was still in love with me and missed me terribly........a week before he was to be married. What was the point? He obviously, had to get closure by telling me this. I saw no point in it as I had moved on with my life already. At one point, yes it would've been nice to hear, but because I had moved on already, I just felt it was selfish.


Again, ask yourself. What would this information....do for him? If you really feel it will make his

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 10:04am


Thank you for your wisdom... I was actually at Target early this morning thinking about getting stationery in which to write that letter... I never thought about giving it to him after he left, but that does make a lot more sense because the last thing I want to do is complicate the situation moreso... I'm willing to let him go, let him move on, let him get back together with his ex... whatever it takes to complete his happiness. In my heart, I know he cares for me, but I don't think he loves me. He's had ample opportunity to disclose this if he did... and he was with someone else after our involvement started. Are you truly able to be with someone else if you love someone? I guess that's a question that never really has a right or wrong answer...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 11:25am

I believe, yes, you can be with someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 12:04pm

And if he never responds to it, I'll be glad I didn't pour my heart out while he was here! HA!

Thanks again... your help is appreciated!

I am actually in a wedding in 11 days... funny that you are getting married then too!