Saying "I love you"...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 12-30-2005 - 2:59pm |
I would welcome any comments on this one...I'm at a loss here...
I've been dating a wonderful guy for 6 months now. He's the exact polar opposite of the guys I generally go for, which is usually the wrong kind. I've even married a couple of them. He's not the "bad boy", flashy or egotistical jerk I'm usually a magnet too. He got me some very nice gifts for xmas and even surprised me with some beautful earrings ( I totally thought he wasn't a jewelry kinda guy) and like I've said, he's great. He's a genuinely good, kind and considerate man. I guess timing is everything because had a met him a year ago...there wouldn't have been a second date (we met online by the way).
The only (potential) negative is he's 44 yrs old and never been married. And, from all indications, he has no intention of ever getting married. I think any guy in his 40's that's never been down the aisle, probably ain't goin any time soon! Anyway, I've been divorced for 3 yrs now and am less sure about getting married again than I was 3 yrs ago. I enjoy the time alone and being able to do what I want to, when I want to. There's lots of good things about single life, but certainly have not ruled out the possibility of marrying again. I do like having a boyfriend, one special guy. He has had a few long term relationships (3-4 yrs) and seems to have no problem with committment (dating exclusively) In fact, he took his profile off match way before I did and was very decisive when he said he didn't want see anyone else. I know that if marriage is something I ABSOLUTLEY want again, I am most likely barking up the wrong tree. I realize that. But, since I'm not sure I want to do it again (i've swung and missed twice already;)), I'd like to see where this goes and cross that particular bridge if and when I come to it.
Typically, I'M the one who gives their heart away too quickly and without too much though about the potential pitfalls. But, I've tried to handle this relationship differently and haven't said anything about how I feel, which, by the way, is fine for him. He has a lot of difficulty talking about his "feelings" and would rather have his teeth drilled than discuss anything like that I think. I haven't pressed the issue, but am now getting to the point where I really feel like I want to tell him I love him, but am afraid of how he'll react...or worse, not react. By all indications, he cares a lot for me and everyone who has met him and been in our company says it's easy to see he's crazy about me. But, I want to know how HE feels. I think after 6 months and being in our 40's, that's something I deserve to know. I feel like we can talk about anything but this. I've had women tell me NOT to tell him because he'll run for the hills (and if this is really the case, what have we got anyway) or it will just freak him out. Also, I THINK that he thinks that if he tells me he loves me that I'll assume it's a committement for life or something...I don't know. In my 44 yrs I've found it's very difficult and often stupid to try and read minds. It's rarely works! What I DON'T want to have happen is to say it to him and just have it lie there...that would be the worst. Does it put him in a position where he HAS to say it or NOT and then where are we. I guess I should be prepared to accept whatever it is ...or isn't before I lay it out there on the line, huh?
So, ladies....and gentlemen, whaddya think?
Thanks
Kelly

Pages
Kelly,
Your post caught my eye this morning, just the title of it had me interested enough, as I too am in the same dilema as you!! We are both in our forties, hes divorced for 4 years, and Im soon to be divorced in 2 months. We met, it was him and I, then it was him and an exgirlfreind, then it was him/me/exgirlfriend and now its me/him for the past few months!! Crazy HUH?? But I always knew I couldnt walk away, because I truly cared for him and knew in my heart he felt the same for me. He doesnt want to remarry ever and the word love seems to no longer exist in his vocabulary!
The only advice I have for you is the same advice I have come up with for myself:
1. Hang in there and take things slow. See where they lead. Maybe do as I have and look
for little signs that tell you he cares and maybe is even in love. Mine has done things and I sit back, smile and say "oh right and you dont do love"! LOL
I know how hard this waiting and slow thing can be. When Im with him, the words a
right there on the tip of my tongue, just wanting to be said. Its hard to control in
the heat of the moment, or that special kiss goodnight.
2. Or you could simply tell him, in person, or as suggested to me a simple text message.
I understand that you think if you tell him he may head for the hills or freak out.
I deal with those same feelings myself.
"I've had women tell me NOT to tell him because he'll run for the hills (and if this
is really the case, what have we got anyway) or it will just freak him out."
THIS is what caught my eye too in your post!! These words helped me to understand too
that maybe I need to just take that chance and say whats on my mind. You or I Kelly,
cant spend our lives wondering where its going, and how they feel about us. I look
at it like this...I have respected for sometime now, that he doesnt like talks about
feelings, well now its time for him to respect that I need to say a few things and he
needs to listen and process and we take our relationship from there. People tell me
too, that I need to be patient and wait longer, but Im not sure that I can emotionally do that!
Well good luck to you and keep me posted. We can have our own club called " dealing
with men that dont talk" maybe we can help each other out here. If you want you can
email me at suzitain109@hotmail.com
Happy New Year
Sue
cwpsmom...
Quick question from Pianoguy:
"Can you enjoy the friendship with this gentleman WITHOUT ANY FURTHER EXPECTATIONS?" Or are you expecting to align yourself with an eventual "new marriage partner?"
You've indicated in your post that he's "not the marrying kind", right? So unless a brick falls on his head and he wakes up totally different...the man will probably maintain the status quo?
Neither sex is required to "read minds" when it comes to where a friendship may (or may not) lead. BUT unless you put your cards on the table and let your partner know what your needs are....you'll NEVER KNOW if they'll be met?
Pianoguy
Im not sure marriage needs to be a staying or breaking point in a relationship, unless its that important to one person, and they dont feel their life is fullfilled. And marriage, really has nothing to with saying "I love you". Many people love someone very much but just choose not to make the committment of marriage. I have a few friends who were married before, and love their current partner very much, and they live together.
There are many reasons people have for not marrying, no matter how much they love the other person. I personally dont think I need to be married again. Its not in the plans for me at this point, but if Im truly loved by someone, and we choose to simply live together and make a life together, than thats in itself is a wonderful thing.
Hi flicksgirl...
Pianoguy acknowledges and agrees with much of what you've written earlier.....
HOWEVER...
A "deal breaker" in many relationships is when a woman (or possibly a man) brings up the subject of eventually GETTING MARRIED. Because this particular choice is a COMMITMENT, there are many 'singles' who don't feel that they can cross the line comfortably.
I don't think marriage (or even living together) is a wise choice for EVERYBODY. Simply because co-habitation with another person requires compromise. Compromise isn't something a man or woman is capable of doing, especially if he or she has spent the majority of his or her life living ALONE...and making personal decisions without taking another's needs or feelings into consideration.
My thoughts to the original poster were based on her insecurity about this man's intentions toward her. This is why I suggested that she let him know what her true desires happened to be.
Pianoguy
Thanks so much to everyone who has posted and added their 2 cents!
To Pianoguy, yes, you're right, marriage can definitely be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. In fact, I think this is why the guy I'm seeing broke up with the last woman he was seeing. It got to that point (after 3 years of having a long-distance romance) where she did want him to make a decision...and that decision was that he didn't want to marry her. Although, he told me that he told her right off the bat, that he didn't see himself EVER marrying. I certainly accept that and also agree with you that both living together and marriage require lots of compromise. I think the longer you're single, the less you might be willing to compromise. I've been single for 3 yrs now and definitely enjoy the freedoms it allows me...coming and going when I want, having what I want, when I want it for dinner...everything, really! Not having to consult with someone else or think of another person when even making the smallest or even biggest decisions is nice. BUT, I don't want to end up growing old alone in a house full of cats or something! You can have a committement to someone without marriage, I think.
Maybe you're right and I should just tell him how I feel. It's gotten to the point now where it's getting harder and hard to NOT tell him I love him because I know that I really do.
I'll keep you all posted...thanks again.
I was in your exact situation two years ago. I met a great guy online who was the nicest sweetest man I'd ever met. After six months of dating I was bursting to tell him I loved him, but I was scared. He also did not want to get married and was in his forties. I finally wrote him a poem to tell him how I felt. After I gave it to him he said the poem made him cry and he felt the same way.
We were married in September and have never been happier. He had walls that I had to break down and it sounds like you may have to do the same. From the way this guy treats you he obviously cares a great deal about you. In his own way he is telling you how he feels. I would just be patient and let him know you don't expect more from him than what he is willing to give. If it is meant to be things will fall in to place naturally. Hang in there and good luck.
Gia
Wow...what a great story, Gia. So, it is possible for a guy to actually change his mind on this?! I know just because your guy did, doesn't mean mine will. Tell me, if you don't mind...had he ever been married before? I think a guy who's NEVER been married by the time he's 40 and says he'll never marry is a WHOLE lot different from one who HAS been
and says it.
I feel the same you did...seems like 6 months is common for most of us to want to say something. I know I wasn't ready a few months ago, but definitely feel I am now and am getting to the point where it's driving me crazy NOT to be able to say it. I hope it doesn't scare him off if I do....as you say, if it's meant to be, it will be.
Thanks...and congratulations on a happy ending!
Kelly
My guy was married for 9 years, he was divorced for 2 when we met. They had a horrible relationship and I am the complete opposite of his ex.
There has to be a reason he's never been married,like maybe he doesn't have a good model of a marriage to learn from in his family. I would find out where his fear stems from. Since guys hate "the talk" you have to find out a little at a time.
I hope things work out.
Gia
Hi gia3019...
Pianoguy would like to add a "male viewpoint" to your last post.
The reason many men MIGHT have a dim view of marriage is because we've previously kept company (marriage, live-in relationships) with women who started off wanting ONE THING (harmony, family, achieving mutual goals, doing stuff together as a couple)...and suddenly, things gradually evolved in a different direction!!!
I'm not suggesting that men aren't GUILTY of this too...BECAUSE SOME OF US ARE!
However....one of the reasons a man will abandon "singlehood" in favor of a wife and family is to bring happier elements into his life. A wife or g/f usually provides this. In return, the man provides her with financial...and hopefully, some form of EMOTIONAL security?
When both...particularly, the latter, begins to disappear in one or two relationships, many men become overcautious when it comes to pursuing a 3rd or 4th? The friendship we might extend toward you is usually 100% GENUINE. But whether we want to 'take things up a notch' after being hurt, betrayed or ridiculed by an earlier companion....really depends upon one thing:
Whether a better woman can successfully convince us that she won't behave the same way!
Pianoguy
BRAVO PIANOGUY!!!!!!!!!! How true !! I guess we need to show these men, that we are not like the other women they have known. Only hard part with that is, Ive heard men say over and over again, "you women are all alike"!!! LOL But I guess us women are guilty of the same.
Truth is, we're not all alike. Ive been told by friends Im nuts because I could take my STBX for more than I have, but I wont do it. Im taking what I need to get by and loving every minute of learning how to take care of myself ! Its a great proud feeling, that money cant buy!
As friends and lovers my bf and I have known each other since May of 2005. We talked about life on New Years, and it felt wonderful to have him say how proud he is of me!! He watched me evolve into a independent strong woman. And he told me he admires that about me!! That at this point meant more to me than the words " I Love You"
Pages