Says he'll never get married...now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Says he'll never get married...now what?
12
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 1:42pm
I've been reading some posts and many seem to be in the general category of commitment and marriage...or not. I am in love with a guy (been dating for 7 months now) who is 44 and never been married. I've been twice. He's very clear about not wanting to get married and i think it has to do with his past, growing up and a series of events to lead him to this. He has been in several committed relationships lasting 3 yrs or more, but they all ended...my guess is because the women wanted to get married. He says they got "tired of him"...yeah, the got tired of him not wanting to get married!! Anyway, I'm also 44 and see the future looming very, very close. If I were 24 say, this would be no big deal. But, I'm not. I don't know if marriage is necessarily what I want, but he has even hemmed and hawd(sp?) about that. He likes having a girlfriend and is happy with our relationship the way it is now. Only problem is we do live on the other side of town from each other and don't see one another as often as we'd both like, but we work it out. Also, I have a 13yr old and he has a 16 yr old (from a past relationship, she said she was on birth control pills, so we have to work around them as well.
My question is...am I totally wasting my time here? Should I break up with, possibly, the best man I've ever dated and/or married! Seriously, he far surpasses both husbands and everyone I've dated since my divorce (3 yrs ago) in every way. I would like to know that there is at least the POSSIBILITY of a future together. If there isn't and we'd be dating forever...or I get "tired" of him like all those other women, should I just forget it now? I don't want to try and kid myself that he'll change his mind at some point, or I'll be the one to make the difference...I know the chances of that are slim at best. Do I just relax and see what develops?
Any suggestions/advice?
Thanks,
Kelly

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:08pm
Kelly, he has said it and nothing will change his mind. He has had 3 long term relationships and they got tired of him. You may even be right about them getting tired of waiting on him to marry them. If he is 44 and never married with no plans of it then it ain't going to happen. If you want to marry again and do not see yourself continuing as things are now move on. Because this is a fact that will not change about him.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 2:58pm

<< I don't know if marriage is necessarily what I want, but he has even hemmed and hawd(sp?) about that. >>

I think it's up to you to decide what YOU want. He's already said he'll never get married. Therefore, he's not the one who doens't know what he wants. What he wants is what it is. He wants a GF. If you decide that you DO want to be married, then ... you'll have a choice to make as this guy is MOST LIKELY not going to conceed. If you don't know, then ... just enjoy the relationship as it is ... if you decide that you want marriage, then it will be your choice to either believe him or ignore what he says (but at 44, if he says he doens't want to get married and hasn't been married yet ... it's unlikely you'll change his mind).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 3:12pm

"I don't want to try and kid myself that he'll change his mind at some point, or I'll be the one to make the difference...I know the chances of that are slim at best."

I don't want to sound harsh or mean, but I think you are kidding yourself already, as evident by the part after the pause about the chances. You've already got it in your head that there is a chance--a slim one.

He is 44 and has never married. Long term relationships ended because they weren't going to lead to anything stable or committed from him. And the biggest kicker of all, he flat out says he doesn't want to get married. You say it's because of his past, and it might be, but in that case he's allowing the past to cripple his future, and that's not better than just all out deciding that marriage isn't for him.

"My question is...am I totally wasting my time here?"

Of course you are! He doesn't want what you want in his life. He's avoided it this long, I'd believe him if I were you.

"I would like to know that there is at least the POSSIBILITY of a future together."

He's already made it clear that there isn't. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and his behavior is clear. He prefers to not be obligated or responsible to and for anybody but himself.

"Do I just relax and see what develops?"

Why would you be that cruel to yourself? You know know know with out a doubt in your heart that you're the marrying kind and he isn't. Why see what developes? Feelings and emotions are going to develope and then get crushed when you know what's not going to happen doesn't happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 3:43pm
Why don't you just relax and enjoy your relationship with him as boyfriend/girlfriend. You have been married twice so obviously the whole marriage thing hasn't worked out for you either. Many couples have lived happy lives without being married. You are 44 years old and it will become harder and harder for you to find a partner since many men tend to want younger woman so I say just let things be and get marriage out of your head.
BABY #3!!
 
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 4:37pm

Look, the man likes fun, sex, companionship, and conversation. That's dating..and that's a relationship.

He doesn't want to have to do alot of considering and compromising regarding someone else's schedule, needs, goals, feelings, thoughts or pursuits - that's "cohabitation/commitment" (sometimes also marriage).

What is so wrong with him being 44 - living his life on his terms, for his needs, doing what he wants with who he wants (which is YOU) and not having "marriage' on his agenda.

He doesn't want to risk funds depletion, he doesn't want to have to "share" his time...he doesn't want to raise someone else's kids...he doesn't want to have to do anything except have fun, sex, companionship and conversation.

I'm him....only female. I don't want to risk all I"ve got in a legal gamble called marriage - I wouldn't mind living with someone, while we kept all the financial and possessions separate - but I have no desire to comingle, intertwine or yada yada on the physcial/financial scale. I love the guy I"m with been with him 6 years, hope it NEVER ends.........but I do not want to marry.

At some point, you'll realize marrigae has NOTHING to do with respect, admiration, trust, or acceptance of you as a person, it has nothing to do with anything at all that you're so all fired "wanting marriage for".

And you'll realize it's a contract of financial and legal liability. It's no longer a social stigma to "live together and not be married"...it's no longer going to brand you with a scarlet letter to have him cohabitate while you have a child.

But the reality is - the guy doesn't want marriage. He's 44....if he survived this long without succumbing to the pressure.............and having a kid....he's sure on the "right" side of not having to commit.

He doesn't have to commit to get sex, companionship, and conversation. With you maybe, but he's not attached to YOU..just to all the fun stuff about dating.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 5:33pm

Only YOU can decide if you would be content with a relationship that is basically one for sex and companionship of indefinite length. If marriage is the only way you could see yourself being in a relationship long-term, then this guy is definitely not right for you...but not everyone wants marriage. Only you can decide what's right for YOU, though.

I disagree that you don't have the possibility of a "future" together...it's just not a future together where you're married. You could still be doing exactly what you're doing now 5, 10 or even 25 years from now. The question is, would that be enough for you, or not?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:21pm

I think with men, it's the fact that they are bitter about past relationships, they listen to their friends and all their problems in their marriage, his parents had a bad marriage, or something along those lines. In all that negative stuff, they seem to think that "oh so I guess that's what marriage is all about....I guess that's what I'll be in for if I get married..so maybe I shouldn't". Maybe it's also the fact that he's just scared about the whole thing...and for that he needs to grow up. Don't kid yourself, if he says he'll never get married more than likely he won't...and in that you don't need to be with someone like that.

I think in a way your trying to settle with what you got. Granted your at that point in your life where you want to have someone in your life with some security, you need to keep in mind that you have one life to live, don't waste on it someone who doesn't want to marry you. He's also comfy where he is. Because of the fact that you have had 2 marriages and think of this guy as something better than you had with the other 2, I would say you have some search to do.

Right now it's somewhat early on the RL, so give it time to see where it looks to be going. Ask him down the road where he sees it going, after a year or two if his answer is still the same, and you want to get married...then you need to move on. There will always be someone out there looking for someone just like you, who has the same needs and wants...it just takes time. I know I try to tell myself that everyday...I'm 26...I wanted to start a life with someone, but he just didn't try to work us, and I grew out of and beyond the RL..I just knew it wasn't going anywhere. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 2:36pm
Thanks to everyone for your great, well thought out responses. There certainly are a lot of differing views of the situation! I'm now more confused than ever!;)
Seriously, for those who have said that if marriage is absolutely my end game, then I most likely am wasting my time, you're absolutely right. I understand that and do believe him when he says he can't see himself getting married. It's true, after being married twice and failing at it miserably, maybe it's not the be all end all for everyone.
I do know I don't want to break up with the most wonderful guy I've ever been with because of this, not right now...I'm not prepared to give him up for something I MAY or MAY NOT want in the future. If I give him up, I need to be damn sure that it's because marriage is the only answer for me.
Thanks again for all the wise words!
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 7:13pm

Kelly,

I myself am in a somewhat similar situation. I have done alot of thinking and sometimes I think I want to marry again, and sometimes I dont know how much that matters. Im your age and so is my guy, we both are divorced. Hes inbetween on the 'no marriage' thing. But then again, when we first dated, we broke up for about 6 weeks, because he said I deserved to be loved, and since his divorce he cant love.

Well we got back together and after a few months, some not so great, he has finally realized that he can love me and that he does. Hes a wonderful man!! He treats me great, we laugh all the time, sex is wonderful and Im happy. But I know I have to someday decide what I want, and I just want you to know that I understand what a difficult choice it is. Im not willing to give him up either, until I give it time, and Im sure that I need to be married again. We joke about dating until we're both 80 (only 45 now) but sometimes I wonder if thats how it will turn out !! LOL

Good luck, be sure of your decision, and know your not alone. Protect your heart, and make your needs first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 9:51am

If you want to get married, you are wasting your time with this guy. So you have to decide what is more important to you: being with this guy come what may (knowing what won't come is marriage) or finding a wonderful, loving man who will also marry you.

If it's the latter, you need to let this guy go so you are free to find the right one for you who will marry you. You can either go through the pain now or later. I'd choose for now.

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