Scared of Marriage
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| Fri, 07-29-2005 - 2:21pm |
I have a friend who I think is headed for heartbreak, but she doesn't seem to be worried. I'm not going to go to her and say "see I told you so" but for my own curiosity, I'd like some opinions as to what everyone thinks of the situation.
She is dating a guy, has been for a couple years now, exclusively. They have talked about marriage, kids, the future, etc., but he has given her no time frames. He makes her happy, most of the time. they are both in their late 20's and he's still living with his parents. She called me crying the other night. He is fixing up his part of his parents' house. When she tried to nonchalantly talk to him about why he's fixing it up because she had been under the impression that they were going to get married, he made every indication that he was planning to stay there. She finally confronted him and he was finally upfront with her and told her he was scared of marriage. He was afraid that they'd get married and years down the road have regrets. He said he loves her and wants to be with her and does want to marry her. But he just won't do it. Then in the middle of their major discussion he tells her to tell him what size ring to buy and when to give it to her. She told him she didn't want him to buy the ring and give it to her because she tells him to.
guys, what on earth is going on? Will he ever marry her? is she holding out hope for nothing? It's not like they aer 17 any more..... Why talk about it if you don't want to do it? any thoughts?

At best I can only speculate as to why he's dragging his feet.
I certainly can appreciate and understand his fear regarding marriage. It is a huge, life-altering step that can have far-reaching consequences (esp. legal) if it doesn't work out.
My guess is that offering the ring was a way of appeasing her and keeping her hanging on for a while longer until he either feels better about the idea of marriage or until she gets fed up enough to leave.
I think the bigger question your friend needs to answer is why does she want to be with a guy who is not only living with his parents, but seemingly putting down roots to continue living with them. I could see if living with mom and pop was a steppingstone to saving for his own house or condo, but on the little you've given, this doesn't sound good. The bigger picture to me says if she married him, maybe she'd end up having to be the major breadwinner and take care of him -- or that he'd end up leaning on her for support.
Maybe his ambivalence is a blessing in disguise. They don't want the same things. So either she needs to accept him on his terms or move on and allow herself to be open to meeting someone who wants the same things that she does.
That's my two pesos....
Heymum