Self Doubting, Crying, and.....
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| Sun, 02-19-2006 - 7:19pm |
I'm incredibly happy with my relationship with J. Last weekend he told me he loves me, he spent Valentines here at my place, and we spent the entire weekend together. I love being with him. He said today in a conversation diet, weight and whatnot that if I wanted his help he would help me loose however much I wanted. But he also said that no matter what I what he loves me just the way I am.
My problem is that when the topic of living together came up I got incredibly scared, and started to cry. The last man I was with was horrible to me. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I didn't shave my legs right, I couldn't cook right, clean right, I even didn't seem to shower right. He made me feel like I was worthless. In the last few months since I've been on my own, I've been getting better and I know deep in my heart of hearts that I'm perfectly fine on my own. I know that my attitude toward him didn't help any....I started reacting to every little critism, picking fights and yelling all the time. He never appreciated anything, and I did EVERYTHING for him short of making all the money to pay the bills. I was essentially his wife, without being his wife. I hated it. I hated it. It still haunts me.
After I dropped J off at home, I just cried and cried. I'm afraid that I won't be "good enough" at keeping house, cooking, etc. Now we never said when moving in together would happen, but I know that when it happens I want to be secure in my belief that I'm a good house keeper. J has made comments about keeping a place clean, cooking and etc, that I probably took wrong. I asked him about some of them and he said it wasn't meant at me. I just....I'm afraid, after how bad the last guy treated me and how miserable I was with him, I don't want to feel that again.
I love J. He loves me. We have a great sex life, which after two months with the last guy was non-exsistant, and we've been dating since November. J knows I've been hurt by this guy and wants nothing more then for me to know that I'm loved and he accepts me for who I am, just the way I am right now.
I told J about some of my doubts, he said that there was nothing to worry about.
I just curse the a**hole I left. I'm just angry that I even feel this way because I know in the back of my head that I am a good house keeper and cook. ARGH!

Are you in counseling? It sounds like you could really benefit from a self-esteem tune-up, and avoid sabotaging your relationship.
Sheri
I agree with Sheri. Counselling is what I would suggest too.
The way I see it, you must find out why you let your ex treat you like he did. It's all well and good to blame him for treating you like he did - but you allowed him to do so. You and the counsellor have to figure out WHY you let him do this to you. Why was his treatment even remotely OK with you?
When you are confident that you can say "no" to being treated badly and when you are confident that you can walk away from a bad relationship easily - you will then be ready to try another relationship.
The whole reason that you are scared with this new man is because you feel that you aren't yet able to look after your own best interests. But when you learn how to do it, you'll be fine.
The thing that stands out to me in your post is that you're still carrying around the feeling that you're worth as a live-in girlfriend is determined by how well you can cook and clean. You're even trying to reassure yourself by saying that you are a good cook and housekeeper. You probably are, but that's also not the point. The point is that if a guy really loves you, it shouldn't matter how good you are at cooking and being a housekeeper. He should want to live with you so he can be with you, not so he can have a clean house or good food on the table. If you cook for him, he should appreciate the effort even if the food comes out completely burnt. Only an insensitive jerk is going to put you down just because your cooking and cleaning doesn't come out as well as he'd like. It's one thing if you don't even TRY to do the housework while your guy is doing most of it or while he has a job and you don't. It's very understandable to get upset at somebody in a situation like that. But if you're really making the effort and a guy can't appreciate it, then he's probably not somebody you want to be with. Your value as a person doesn't lie in how well you are able to cook, clean, or shave your legs, and any man who thinks it does is interested in having a maid, not in having a real woman to love.
At the church I was at this week-end, one of the minsisters was telling us a true story he'd heard about a couple who had recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. People asked the couple what their secret was for surviving 60 years of marriage. The old man stoop up in front of everybody and replied, "Every morning when I get up and go to the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror and say to myself, 'Sir, you're no prize either.'" Now everybody at the church I was at laughed when they heard that. But the minister went on to say that the interpretation he heard and liked is that love isn't about everything beautiful and perfect all of the time. Love should challenge you to take a look inward and to grow as a person.
You're NOT going to do everything perfect. Neither is he. It's unrealistic to think that you can live with somebody and not get annoyed at them at times or wish that certain things were different at times. But that's not what mature adult love is about. It's about being able to accept one another and care about one another despite those things.
I have gone through counseling. I came to terms with the former mans insecurities coming out on me, and the reason I stayed with him for so long wasn't because I enjoyed the mental abuse or because of some emotional thing with me but because I wasn't in a financial position to move out on my own.
I worked the entire time we were together. First it was part-time with school, then full-time while I got some debt and medical stuff under control. I still was expected to clean and cook like I didn't work and was home all day long. That was totally unexceptable. Especially because he put off the few chores I asked him to do...ie. garbage, litter boxes, yard work, etc. Trying to get him to carry the laundry down the stairs for me was like pulling teeth. (I would have done it but with two people it was often too heavy for me to carry myself.) He never appreciated when I would take a weekend when he was out of town and clean the entire house...and in a few days it would be trashed despite my best-efforts.
So yeah it's all about me.
J has never directly said anything about my house keeping skills, but rather has made general comments about house keeping. And the times I've cooked for him, he's said thank you even if it's not something he cared for or made the way he might have made it.
I've been thinking about it more and I'm more angry with the former man for the way he acted with me or didn't act then I doubt myself.
I'm talking to J about things tonight when he comes over.