should he stay or should he go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
should he stay or should he go?
7
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:39am

I've been seeing this guy for the last two months...really sweet, attentive, etc...Seems pretty decent and definitely likes me. This is gonna be long, btw...
My friends and family don't like him. I've been hearing rumors about his last relationship, and he is still bitter about it (it was a 6-yr, on-again/off-again thing). My one best friend actually knew him and his ex, and said that he was really sweet at first but became a jerk over time. I was told that he broke up with her over the phone 1 1/2 months ago, saying he'd met another girl (i assume that would be me).
I go to college and am working on my master's, but he has not gone to college and doesn't seem interested in ever going. He drinks often and smokes, both of which I'm not fond of.
We don't seem to have a lot in common, but enough to have a good time together.
He asked me to start seeing him online two weeks after we met, and then asked me to be his girlfriend two weeks after that. I found out later from him that he wrote that after he saw his ex at a bar. I told him no- we hadn't even been on a date yet!
I actually had to outright tell him to ask me out, and he drove across the two states that separate us to see me for the day...but I landed up driving around because he said that he didn't know anything around there and would get lost. I kno it was stupid now to do that...We have another date planned for two weeks from now. Where he drives.
I planned on this being short term, while he says that he was planning on a long term thing.
Anyway, he messages me/ calls me/ AIMs me everyday...often more than once. I am a person who needs my space, I am also very cautious with relationships, and I take a long time to trust ppl.
I am trying to take all of this into account as I weigh my decision to keep him and see where it goes, or drop him now and thank him for the good time.

I could use some honest advice...asking from my family and friends isn't helping me make an accurate decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 7:44am
Well it sounds to me like your the rebound girl. I would have second thoughts my self about this guy, He sounds very needy for wanting you to be his girlfriend so quickly. If i were you i would keep it as friends , You have to much going on with school and your life to have a boyfriend like that. I started seeing red flags when i was reading your post, so i understand what you mean about not trusting people. I think you should just get to know him better and like i said just stay friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:00am

Well, if this were me, I’d drop him like a bad habit. I have a thing with not wasting people’s time, especially not mine. Even if we have a good time dating him is a waste of time because I have friends I can have a good time with. I would waste his time and mine because I would want someone to match me in certain areas. You mentioned he has no intention on going to college and you’re getting your masters, he drinks and smokes and that is not you. Ok, just that little bit says he will not be a long term and dating him temporarily may make miss someone who I can have a long term with. So I would get rid of him and keep moving on. You see he is not right or you wouldn’t have asked the question.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:01am

I absolutely agree...you do sound like the rebound girl and he does sound needy....


...pushing things along before their time indicates that neediness...he wanted you to be a girlfriend before you even had a date.


...all the IMing and calling sounds like control as well as neediness.


He might be trying to keep his mind off his breakup by getting involved with you...or focusing on you.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:08am

I think the advice you're getting from your family and friends is accurate--you just don't like it.

You are trying to carry on a long-distance relationship with a man who has two personal habits you deplore (smoking and drinking), which will become more unattractive the longer you know him; he lives two states away, so regular contact will be a challenge; he has a reputation for being a jerk (and whatever form his jerkiness takes, it's not an endorsement), you are finishing your Masters and he has never gone to college, so your earning capacities will be different; and you say that you don't have much in common.

It sounds like you are enjoying the attentiion this man gives you by messaging you every day; the problem with things like that is that they make people feel closer than they actually are, and make them feel that they know each other better than they really do. Please continue to be cautious as you approach this relationship--no one wants you to get hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 10:17am

Sounds like your the rebound. After 6 yrs of being with his ex, something must have gone really wrong at the end. People need time to heal after a long RL, and for him to jump so quickly...well that should tell you something right there.

But anyways, this guy doesn't seem like the type you should be going for. Your getting your Master's while he's pretty much doing nothing with his life. Also with the distance factor, frankly I wouldnt even bother with him on that. Guys who are "below you" tend to have lower goals in life, making a long term RL very difficult to keep. Trust me, I'm kinda in one now, and I'm still questioning why am I still here, and will I ever find someone to settle down with that I can rely on? But life is a lesson in itself.

Your a smart girl, and the one thing that I have tried to listen to over the years is my instincts. If there is any ounce or chance that this doesn't seem right to you, well then it's time to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 7:23pm

Thanks to all of you for giving me your advice. Everything you've said is the same stuff I've been telling myself, and would have told anyone who asked me this question. I wanted to confirm that I wasn't jumping the gun or being paranoid, etc.
He and I are going to meet after I get out of class to discuss everything, as apparently some of the things I've been talking to my friends about have leaked out to him and his ex...but that's another story for another time. At any rate, I will see what happens.

Once again, thanks for putting my mind at ease. You all made me feel much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2006
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 8:37pm
I guess I would say thank him for the good time, it was fun while it lasted. He doesn't sound that trustworthy based on his past with his ex. He may leave you one day the same way he left her..which is a sucky way to break up with someone. You also sound really driven and he doesn't seem to be as motivated (I am sort of going through that part of it myself, except I've been with my guy for years, so i REALLY don't know what to do).
So, even though you guys know how to have fun together, it sort of seems like this might not be a long term everlasting love...I hope that helped and wasn't offensive in any way.