Should i bail ?what does he mean?
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 6:56pm |
Hi all,
I'm a bit confused and i'm looking for feedback, i know you guys don't know the whole story, but thats not necessary i'm basically looking for feedback on what this guy i'm dating said, what it might mean, and how to proceed,...
I decided to start dating one of my best guy friends we have known each other 6 years we have been dating about 10 months, when we started dating we had conversations about marriage (he intiated) he basically told me he feels ready and would like to be marriend in the next 2 years, We have been taking things slow because i'm trying to be careful here due to moving too fast in past relationships......Basically a month ago he became jealous of an ex of mine that we ran into and it started a heated debate over what we both want, he came out and said he still was looking to be married, saw me as someone he could "possibly" be married too, and had feelings for me and we could be in a relationship at anytime i want he had no problem with it....I said to him that i want those things as well but then i went a step farther and asked him " you say you could see yourself married to me but do you love me....he goes....i love you like a friend right now but i could grow to love you...why is that a problem? I say to him" well kinda of how can you see me as a potiental mate and not be in love with me? He says because i see a lot of qualities i like but some are missing and i still need to see how we relate, and i say, okay.....I thought about this and called him later and asked him if he knew what love was, he said yes and that i didn't fit "completely" into that,and just because he wants to get married doesn't mean he will marry me, but feels its possible that he could, and i said how can you see me as a potiental mate and you don't love me yet? Espically as long as we have known one another, that doesn't make sense? he told me he'd call me back to discuss it more later.....Now here is why i'm confused 1. do guys just fit girls in marriage and non marriage matieral categories like this without being in love first? 2. Shouldn't you love someone BEFORE you would consider marrying them ? 3. i never said okay to the relationship and despite the short dating time we have known each other a LONG time, shouldn't he already love me?, 4. would i be taking a HUGE risk continuing to date or get in a relationship with someone who despite having similar goals in life to me has made it clear that he doesn't love me?.....hell i may be confusing my self, but i just don't get what hes saying i always assumed a guy falls in love THEN decides to marry a woman right? wouldn't i be setting myself up if i wait and see if his feelings change, after all we are dating exclusively and i could be risking it all just to hear months or years from now that he wants to break up because he doesn't love me more than as a friend still????HELP!

Whoa! That sure is some dilema!
I think its geat that you are both being so honest and up front about this.
Purhaps the best way to go is give him a couple of months, just try and go on dates, have fun, the usual courting rituals and if either of you still feel like, 'nope, this isn't gonna work that way', then just stay friends (if thats possible). I know you said you didn't want to waste time for him to make up his mind, but do you love him either?
It does seem like he is keeping his options open, but maybe he still finds it hard to see that he loves you as you have been 'just friends' for so long. The more romantic and intimate time you spend together the more both of you will know if it is something to pursue.
Good Luck
I feel like i may be in love with him but i don't want to put that out there if he only loves me like a friend, I mean hes a good guy if i even get into conversations about things that bother me he listens, and tries to correct anything we don't agree on, we can't spnd alot of time together because i recently moved a little farther away (about an hour) for a new job and we work opposite work hours he works days i work evenings so we only get to see each other once a week and we talk on the phone daily, hes told me countless times i'm the only woman he wants to date, but i'm not 100% sure whats happening here i always expecte to have the marriage talk with a guy and to hear those "i can see myself spending the rest of my life possibly with you" from a guy who already knew he loves me romantically! i mean its not like he said "mary me" but if he can even consider me in that family that says alot about how he sees me right? But i'm getting scared....i'm not sure if i'm asking the right questions? or if hes got it bacwards and i should be bailing...so confused....
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I don't think this is a gender-specific question. Think of it this way, don't you have an idea of what qualities you're looking for in a long-term "marriage material" partner? Sure you do! In the infamous words of Tina Turner "What's Love Got to do With it?" ... in other words, knowing what qualities you're looking for in another person is a prerequisite to falling in love with them. The "in love" part comes AFTER you've aligned with someone who meets those qualities.
<< 2. Shouldn't you love someone BEFORE you would consider marrying them ? >>
Sure! And you should also be in a relationship with them first, too!
If I read it correctly, as you stated he "saw me as someone he could "possibly" be married too" ... that isn't the same thing as considering marrying you ... not at this point. What he's saying is that he's seeing "potential" in you. However, I'm not reading it as "I'm considering marrying you." See the difference?
Thus far, he sees qualities that he likes, appreciates, hopefully things that he respects and admires ... ALL things that should come before love and marriage. Right?
<<3. i never said okay to the relationship and despite the short dating time we have known each other a LONG time, shouldn't he already love me?, >>
He may very well love you as a friend. All things considered, what's wrong with that? That's a great thing ... a wonderful step toward being "in love" and loving someone as a partner ... all things considered, people don't "fall in love" overnight ... you can love someone, in a "friendship" love way, that is, "I care about you, respect you, want the best for you, etc" sense but not be in "romantic" love ... the "I want to be with you and only you" type of love. But, one thing is for sure ... you can't be in THAT type of love without first being in "friendship" love ... which blends into and becomes part of the "I love you" that woman so longingly want to hear and receive from their partner. But, first he has to be your bf, your partner before he's (most likely) going to allow himself to go there.
<<4. would i be taking a HUGE risk continuing to date or get in a relationship with someone who despite having similar goals in life to me has made it clear that he doesn't love me?.....>>
Why not take the step forward on formalizing your relationship? You've been dating for 10 months but aren't exclusive? One thing is for sure, he's probably not going to "put himself out there" and fall "in love" with you if he isn't even sure if you want to be in a relationship with him? It sounds like he's extended that branch ... so, if you see potential in him, as well, why not GO FOR IT!
All in all, this guy sounds like he knows what he wants and has his head on pretty straight, IMO. I don't think he'd be wasting his time dating you for the last 10 months if he didn't see potential for something more. Particularly in light of him wanting to be married in two years (someone who has that type of goal in mind isn't going to waste their time with someone whom he doesn't see this potential with, at this point. I mean, two years is not THAT much time).
So, why not make it something more and see where it goes! Remember, he's not saying he WANTS to marry you or even that he's considering it with you, he's saying that he sees potential for it, based on what he knows and likes NOW ... but, he needs to know more, which isn't a bad thing. After all, you're not in a committed relationship yet ... and he'll never know (nor will you) if you don't keep it moving forward, right? He shouldn't necessarily have to KNOW yet if he wants to marry you, but you'll never know if you don't give him a chance to be your boyfriend, right?
<< i always expecte to have the marriage talk with a guy and to hear those "i can see myself spending the rest of my life possibly with you" from a guy who already knew he loves me romantically! >>
Yikes, ok ... I know I just posted a response. But, I have to add ... it's no wonder you're confused! If you don't mind me saying, I think you're confusing matters a bit ... sure, I understand that he's initiated the marriage talk. BUT ... you haven't yet taken him up on his offer (ie, "hes told me countless times i'm the only woman he wants to date, but i'm not 100% sure whats happening here")
How about saying "yes, I'd like to be your girlfriend!" ... and then progress to the ""i can see myself spending the rest of my life possibly with you" talks. I mean, REALLY ... how is he supposed to take that leap and love you romantically if you haven't made things exclusive? ? ? It very much sounds like he's extended that offer ... as you've said "countless times" ... so the question is, what's holding YOU back?
<< Well when he calls back i think i'll just be honest and tell him that i feel the same way he does about the potiental i see and maybe we should step up our commitment...wish me luck guys!!!!>>
Good luck! As the saying goes "honesty is the best policy." Letting someone know how we feel is always going to put us in a vulnerable place. However, he's already told you how he feels, he's been upfront with you (what a treasure!) ... so, the only thing holding you back is YOU ... your vulnerablity, your feelings. The great thing about the spot that you're in is that you already know what he wants, how he feels (how many posters here would WELCOME that for a change, ha!) ... it's just up to you at this point!