Should I be defensive or let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Should I be defensive or let it go?
15
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:25pm
I'm a little confused as to how deal with a dicussion I had with my BF the other day and I guess I'm looking for an outside opinion. My BF has a bad tendency to casually talk about past relationships when we are together. He doesn't get in to intimate things about them but it's enough to bother me because it's as if we cannot talk without one of them popping up in the conversation. I've tried numerous ways to make him stop and he will for a while then it starts again. We finally got to have some alone time the other night and things were great until he mentioned an ex. All I said was " please, no, let's not talk about her", and he went off on me. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. He told me that I didn't need to tell him what he could talk about, he didn't judge people, he wasn't going to be judged, he never has told me not to talk about any one I've dated and that if I was going to start that, I could leave and he would not look back. I was in total shock and hurt beyond belief. I really care for this guy but I felt as if he was out of line and all I could do was just look at him and told him to calm down but then I let it go and didn't say anything else in my defense for fear of what I don't know. He then literally turned off all emotion to me, but I was still in shock and couldn't make myself leave. After a few minutes had passed,he reached for me and kissed me, as if to tell me, it's okay, but I'm not okay, I'm still upset and I don't know what to do. I don't know why he has to mention these people and I know that these people are not a threat to our relationship but I can't help but be upset over this. Please tell me if I was out of line by asking him to stop but as I see it, if he is with me, he's with me and not them, so why bring them into our relationship. I shouldn't have to be afraid of having an opinion. Communiation strengthens every relationship but when we try to talk about things, it seems as if he always puts up his defenses and I'm the one who gets hurt. Any advice as to how I need to approach this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:32am

I don't know, I could be wrong...but I think what had your BF so clenched up is the fact that he saw what you said as trying to control him-- I don't think it honestly had anything to do with the content, kwim? Basically... I think you could have had the same exact exchange, just on a different topic.


What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't look at this as "he wants to talk about his ex's all the time-- he proved it by flipping out when I asked him to stop". I look at it as "he doesn't want to be controlled". Please note, though, I'M not saying that I think what you did/said is controlling-- just that that's how HE might have interpreted it that way. In my experience, guys are manic whenever they think that any itty bitty ounce of control is being "taken away" from them, lol...and usually it's all in their heads, anyway.


I would have second thoughts about this relationship, not so much b/c of his talking about ex's, but b/c there seems to be a control issue here, I mean, I think he really flew off the handle with that. JMHO.


If you let this one incident go, I would just be on the lookout for other controlling behavior-- oh HIS part. I think a lot of times, those that accuse others of trying to control them are typically the ones that are trying to control the individuals they are accusing.


Best wishes to you!


~V

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:32pm

Good point on the controlling issue. To the OP, maybe take a look at your r'ship and see if there are other factors that looks like he's the controlling type.

and V's right, the person who complains the most is the one who does the most controlling. BTDT. And he never even allowed me to talk to my gf's, but he would get mighty mad when I'd try to put the same controls on him.




my pet!




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:23pm

It is somewhat of a contradiction. Sometimes I find an ex coming up more often then usually and it's usally those times I try to curb myself. Still say the thing I wanted ot say, but as you mentioned try to cut things upa bit. For example say friend instead of using a name. Things like that. I don't want him to think I'm day dreaming about an ex because nothing could be further from the truth, but sometimes soemthing will happen and I think of one more then usual.

Because I'll be honest I don't think anyone is immune to having feelings if an ex is brought up a lot, myself included.

As far as leaving off the last part, if it was during one of those times when I ahd mentioned an ex more then normal I would probably TRY to censor that part. Othere then that why bother.

The problem I have with asking someone to stop is that often times the party who is doing the asking then begins to feel as though the person TRYING to stop mentioning the ex is somehow bringing the person up to be mean or cruel or because they don't care. Which 85-95% of the time is just rediculous and silly and brought on by the insecurity, rather then being rational and realizing that maybe the person is trying and is just so comfortable with you they forget to censor themsleves for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 10:22pm
This is to each and every reply I have had posted to this message. Thanks everyone for shedding a little different light on this subject for me. A lot of this does stem from my own insecurities, and that's something I need to really work on. I know that we have both been in some pretty rotten relationships and it's both a lesson in developing our relationship when little things like this comes up. I guess the reason it hit me so hard then was the fact that we hadn't really gotten to spend any quality time together, and when we got the opportunity we were getting along so well, then he mentioned an ex, thus making me feel as if he'd was dwelling on the past and not the present moment. I guess it wouldn't have made that big of a deal if it wasn't for the fact that I had been wanting to see him for a week and every time we had an opportunity to get together, either work, or other obligations seemed to get in the way. I will say that we both have somewhat of a control issue, but I know it stems from our past relationships with those who have taken advantage of us. Someone told me that it seems as if we both seem to try to control the other person, him by putting out the signals that I'm not going to let another woman run over me and use me, and me putting out the vibe that I refuse to be hurt again. This is something we both have to work on. Giving in to the other person doesn't help you grow and it doesn't deal with the situation at hand. We both went in to this relationship fully aware of what was expected of the other person, meaning we both wanted someone who was trust worthy and had no hidden agendas. I know this takes work, but like someone posted in one message, I do have a tendency to feel as if when he brings these people up, then he's just trying to be mean or say, I'll do it and if you don't like it, tough. I see now how this is ridiculous to think he'd do this to hurt my feelings intentionally. I do know him well enough to know that he'd already have moved on if that were the case. I'm not saying that I don't mention an ex from time to time myself, not intentionally of course, but I try to refrain so I don't feel as if I'm making him feel uncomfortable or any less loved. Long story short, I feel a lot better about this, I still feel as if I had the right to ask him to stop, but I can see the importance that he may feel he needs to do this in order to prevent from making the same mistakes he made with the others. We have since talked to each other, but this hasn't came back up in our discussion, nor has the ex's. I'm not saying it won't, but with talking to you guys, I think I can handle this a lot better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 12:09am

Nick,

That makes perfect sense. I think I'm more sensitive to it cuz most of the @sshoe men I dated brought up the X's in a mean spiteful comparing way...so I hate to hear about it period.

And I agree, if it's brought up too much, curbing it a bit for a while is good. I think what you stated is healthy.....

Just ppl like me, unhealthy. :p has issues. lol. Been compared to the x's too much. So, I don't deal very well with talking about it. But, doing MUCH MUCH Better. =)

Thanks for clarifying that.




my pet!




my pet!

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