Should I be defensive or let it go?
Find a Conversation
Should I be defensive or let it go?
| Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:25pm |
I'm a little confused as to how deal with a dicussion I had with my BF the other day and I guess I'm looking for an outside opinion. My BF has a bad tendency to casually talk about past relationships when we are together. He doesn't get in to intimate things about them but it's enough to bother me because it's as if we cannot talk without one of them popping up in the conversation. I've tried numerous ways to make him stop and he will for a while then it starts again. We finally got to have some alone time the other night and things were great until he mentioned an ex. All I said was " please, no, let's not talk about her", and he went off on me. I was so upset I didn't know what to do. He told me that I didn't need to tell him what he could talk about, he didn't judge people, he wasn't going to be judged, he never has told me not to talk about any one I've dated and that if I was going to start that, I could leave and he would not look back. I was in total shock and hurt beyond belief. I really care for this guy but I felt as if he was out of line and all I could do was just look at him and told him to calm down but then I let it go and didn't say anything else in my defense for fear of what I don't know. He then literally turned off all emotion to me, but I was still in shock and couldn't make myself leave. After a few minutes had passed,he reached for me and kissed me, as if to tell me, it's okay, but I'm not okay, I'm still upset and I don't know what to do. I don't know why he has to mention these people and I know that these people are not a threat to our relationship but I can't help but be upset over this. Please tell me if I was out of line by asking him to stop but as I see it, if he is with me, he's with me and not them, so why bring them into our relationship. I shouldn't have to be afraid of having an opinion. Communiation strengthens every relationship but when we try to talk about things, it seems as if he always puts up his defenses and I'm the one who gets hurt. Any advice as to how I need to approach this?

Pages
I don't know, I could be wrong...but I think what had your BF so clenched up is the fact that he saw what you said as trying to control him-- I don't think it honestly had anything to do with the content, kwim? Basically... I think you could have had the same exact exchange, just on a different topic.
What I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't look at this as "he wants to talk about his ex's all the time-- he proved it by flipping out when I asked him to stop". I look at it as "he doesn't want to be controlled". Please note, though, I'M not saying that I think what you did/said is controlling-- just that that's how HE might have interpreted it that way. In my experience, guys are manic whenever they think that any itty bitty ounce of control is being "taken away" from them, lol...and usually it's all in their heads, anyway.
I would have second thoughts about this relationship, not so much b/c of his talking about ex's, but b/c there seems to be a control issue here, I mean, I think he really flew off the handle with that. JMHO.
If you let this one incident go, I would just be on the lookout for other controlling behavior-- oh HIS part. I think a lot of times, those that accuse others of trying to control them are typically the ones that are trying to control the individuals they are accusing.
Best wishes to you!
~V
Good point on the controlling issue. To the OP, maybe take a look at your r'ship and see if there are other factors that looks like he's the controlling type.
and V's right, the person who complains the most is the one who does the most controlling. BTDT. And he never even allowed me to talk to my gf's, but he would get mighty mad when I'd try to put the same controls on him.
It is somewhat of a contradiction. Sometimes I find an ex coming up more often then usually and it's usally those times I try to curb myself. Still say the thing I wanted ot say, but as you mentioned try to cut things upa bit. For example say friend instead of using a name. Things like that. I don't want him to think I'm day dreaming about an ex because nothing could be further from the truth, but sometimes soemthing will happen and I think of one more then usual.
Because I'll be honest I don't think anyone is immune to having feelings if an ex is brought up a lot, myself included.
As far as leaving off the last part, if it was during one of those times when I ahd mentioned an ex more then normal I would probably TRY to censor that part. Othere then that why bother.
The problem I have with asking someone to stop is that often times the party who is doing the asking then begins to feel as though the person TRYING to stop mentioning the ex is somehow bringing the person up to be mean or cruel or because they don't care. Which 85-95% of the time is just rediculous and silly and brought on by the insecurity, rather then being rational and realizing that maybe the person is trying and is just so comfortable with you they forget to censor themsleves for you.
Nick,
That makes perfect sense. I think I'm more sensitive to it cuz most of the @sshoe men I dated brought up the X's in a mean spiteful comparing way...so I hate to hear about it period.
And I agree, if it's brought up too much, curbing it a bit for a while is good. I think what you stated is healthy.....
Just ppl like me, unhealthy. :p has issues. lol. Been compared to the x's too much. So, I don't deal very well with talking about it. But, doing MUCH MUCH Better. =)
Thanks for clarifying that.
Pages