Should I End Our Relationship
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| Thu, 03-09-2006 - 5:25pm |
Im new to this board and need some good advice as I am totally confused about what to do with my relationship with bf. We are both divorced and in our 40's. We have been together now for about 10 months. Lately I feel unhappy alot and unsatisfied with our relationship. I feel like I need more and he cant or just wont at this time give that to me.
We both have children. I have 3 he has 2, ages vary from 10 to 17. We have never spent time with each other with our children in the mix, because we always said we wanted to be sure of us before we involved the kids.
He works crazy hours (shift work) days, then nights, constantly changes every week. When hes off he always has his children staying with him. Basically we have our one special night a month with each other, and the rest of the month I may only see him for an hour and a half to 2 hours once a week. On the weekends, he works 2 weekends out of the month, and the other 2 weekends he spends with the kids. That leaves nothing for me on the weekends, which I always have one night to myself without my kids. I feel like I have no social life. I work all week long, see him on a weeknight for a couple hours and thats IT!!
I dont expect to ever come before his children, but this is starting to become a lonely life for me. I love him, but lately I feel like I need to walk away so that I can be happier than this. How do you end a relationship though, when you cant stand the thought of not having that person in your life, and you love him??? But you start to wonder if it will ever be any different and if it will someday get better??? Am I expecting too much from him??? He works 12 hour days so I know its hard for him.
Please help me out here. Ive been depressed for days about this, and I cry off and on. I havent said a word to him, I just keep hiding it and putting on a happy voice and face. Im afraid if I go to him he'll feel pushed and cornered and Ill lose him for sure.

Hmmm Tricky situation.
Keeping the kids out of it makes sense, but how do you continue to build your relationship in the meantime?
You said that you are keeping the kids out of it till you are sure of your relationship. I'm wondering if now could be the time to discuss if the two of you are sure about the relationship? As you've been together for 10 months, it's certainly not too soon.
However, if he's still unsure of whether or not you and he make a great match - it could answer your questions.
<< How do you end a relationship though, when you cant stand the thought of not having that person in your life, and you love him??? >>
May I ask, is this your first significant relationship since your divorce? If so, it's quite understandable that you're afraid to "speak up" for fear of losing him.
From what you've described, basically ... it sounds like he's spread pretty thin ... *trying* to have a relationship ... but, not really having the TIME to put into it ... for the relationship to GROW. Thus, you're frustrated. Right? Ie, << Basically we have our one special night a month with each other, and the rest of the month I may only see him for an hour and a half to 2 hours once a week.>>
You said ... << That leaves nothing for me on the weekends, which I always have one night to myself without my kids. I feel like I have no social life. I work all week long, see him on a weeknight for a couple hours and thats IT!! >>
Well, I hate to say it ... but, it's up to YOU to have a social life ... outside of him. Meaning, it's important to not allow his schedule to define your social life ... as, your social life is what YOU make of it, kwim? Understandable that you'd like more time with him; however, it's up to you to decide how much or little is acceptable to you. That said, when dating a single dad (and being a single mom yourself), it's also important to recognize the "that's what I signed up for when I got involved with him" factor, kwim?
So ... if you're seeking a relationship that provides you with more one-on-one time, he very well may not be your guy.
<< But you start to wonder if it will ever be any different and if it will someday get better???>>
With young children and crazy work hours, his kids and job are going to be his top priorities. Therefore, if you can accept "third position" ... then, that's what you'll get. If you're looking for a priority position with a man, you may be best off aligning with someone with a more flexible schedule, perhaps someone with grown children ... similiar wants and needs from a relationship. It's truly all about aligning with someone whose priorities are in alignment with yours. Not that there's ANYTHING wrong with what he's doing ... sounds like he's probably doing the best he can ... it's just that you guys may not be in alignment, in terms of what he can offer at this point. Kwim?
As for << I havent said a word to him, I just keep hiding it and putting on a happy voice and face. Im afraid if I go to him he'll feel pushed and cornered and Ill lose him for sure.>>
It's SO important to be able to speak up and say what's on your mind. At 10 mos of seeing each other, you should most certainly be able to be upfront about your needs. Otherwise, you'll put yourself in a position of sacrifice.
Secondly, if you're operating from a "fear of loss" position ... more often than not, it's very difficult to GAIN if you're afraid to LOSE what you have. If he feels pushed or cornered and you "scare him off" ... then, as much as I hate to say it ... he wasn't the right guy for you. You cannot scare off someone who is on the same page; nor is it worth it, in the long run, to stay with someone who isn't on the same page as you are. You'll only end up feeling like you're always wanting more but not receiving it.
Sometimes, you have to be willing to walk away, let go of what you DO have ... and in turn, you'll get more of what you want. Perhaps from him, perhaps not. But, if not from him, you'll be opening yourself up to the opportunity of meeting someone who is able to meet your needs. But, it's up to you be willing to do that ... to be willing to state your wants and needs.
Good luck!
Thank you for your advice. I guess the best thing for me to do now is to decide if this is enough for me. Thats what it all comes down too. I think at this point I should talk with him about us finding a way to have more time together, without sounding like Im complaining. Maybe together we can figure it out. He has even said sometimes, that he wishes we had more time together, but its so hard with work, the kids, and of course the one hour distance that we live apart.
I was thinking that maybe instead of living my life sitting back waiting for him, I need to get out more. Even if its a trip to the mall, out to dinner with friends (i just met up with some local women who have formed a support group for women). They meet once a month for dinner and drinks and CHAT!!
Maybe this feeling of mine is more about MY life being incomplete, and the only way to fix that is on my own. I cant expect nor depend on any man to bring me that complete life that I am missing.
So this weekend while he's on nightwork, Im going to go out and stay in and do the things that I enjoy!! Im sure it will take me time to get used to this change, but it can only help.
I do ENJOY spending time with him. He makes me happy when hes around, or when he calls. So why let that go right now, it can just be a part of the mix, for me to rebuild my life after a long marriage, gone bad. After all thats what divorce ends up being, a time to rebuild your life.
Starbuck,
I realized I didnt anwser your questions!!
Yes this is my first significant relationship since the divorce, Ive dated but not met anyone special besides him.
I suppose that yes I am frustrated. But in my head and my heart I know I want to give him and I a chance. I also know that this is what I signed on for. I honestly cant say he doesnt go out of his way to spend time with me, I just guess Im feeling lonely and wanting more.
You know the father that he is to his kids, is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. I admire and respect him for that. I wouldnt want a man that isnt a great father to their children, as I am a parent myself.
As far as third position goes, its the only place for me right now. So I take it or I leave it, and my heart says take it and enjoy what we do have to the fullest.