Should I feel threatened by ex wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Should I feel threatened by ex wife
2
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 9:03am

My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 months now. He and I both have been separated for over a year now. I have a 16 yo and he a 6 yo.

I have a reasonable relationship w. my ex, and he with his. However she calls quite often, maybe because their daughter is younger, only 6. Last night he told her I got a bit upset about her frequent calling and that maybe she should limit her phone calls, and she responded that when she will need to talk to him about Caitlin (their d) then she will call him. She also said it's not because they're separated that they can't be friends. He did not deny that. I think maybe he feels caught between a rock and a hard place.

At one point he was saying that it was ok for her to call when she needed to talk about their daughter, but that was it. But maybe he thinks she's right, that it's good to maintain a friendly relationship. He said it was important that they can communicate about their daughter. I replied that I totally agree but that there should be a happy medium, and he agreed that my point was valid.

He has assured me many many times that he has no feelings for her. I asked him if she seriously wanted to get back with him, what would he do.. and he responded that she tried, and he is absolutely not interested. Even told me he was never really in love with her, they just started out being in a 'comfortable relationship' and one thing lead to another. Says that relationship should never have happened in the first place. So bottom line, he has made it clear to me that he has no interest in a romantic relationship with her.

Should I lighten up or let him know I'm not comfortable with him being 'friends' with his ex wife? Not talking going out with her and stuff, but having friendly chats on the phone once in a while and doing some things with their daughter i.e. they went trick or treating with her at halloween, which I didn't have a problem with. Then he came straight to my house from there.

I do not want to control him.. since this is my first time in a similar situation, I do not know what is acceptable or normal.. help? I just wouldn't want things to get out of hand. But should I shop worrying about what ifs & just let it go?

tks

r

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 12:42pm

My brother and his exw (my best friend) are still very friendly with each other. Their break up was a result of growing up and away from each other. No abuse, no bad feelings...things just changed. They have 2 kids that are getting the benefit of 2 happier parents who actually DO get along!

My brother has recently started seeing a woman and they have moved fast with their r'ship (sounds like you did, too from your other post) which I don't agree with right off the bat because feelings tend to be stronger than your actual knowledge of who this person is but I digress...

My bro's new gf recently expressed her concern over his r'ship with the exw and my bro's reaction *to his exw*? "I've seen the darker side." They WILL NOT change the r'ship they have, a healthy r'ship, based on the insecurities of a woman he truly just barely knows.

You have NO right no try and dicatate or control this man's r'ship with his ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 12:51pm

osmama99

Thanks for your honest opinion. I respect that. And you have a valid point. Maybe I should learn to live with it, and not try to control what he does, but trust in his judgement.

After all, they do have a child together, and that will never change. I was just curious as to how much closeness or friendship is considered healthy between exes. My friend says, I don't think he's going anywhere, so don't feel threatened by her. Thanks for your post.

r