Should I give up on him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Should I give up on him?
14
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 11:12am

So here's my dilemma. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, although we've known each other for 8 years. In the beginning, we started out as a long distance relationship…I was in NYC and he was in Chicago. To make a long story short, we decided that one should move so that we could be in the same city. I was unhappy with my job in NYC and was planning on quitting, so it made sense for me to move to Chicago. I'm staying with him right now while I try to get my feet on the ground and try to get a new job, but plan on moving out into my own apartment.

Enough of the background info…the problem is that my boyfriend smokes pot. I know, sounds dumb, right? I've known him since college and he used to smoke A LOT but has cut down significantly in the past few years. The thing is, I have a HUGE problem with it. I feel that I should not have to have a 28 year old boyfriend who still smokes dope…I mean, c'mon…we're adults here! We made an agreement that he would quit when he was 30, but I realize that is not going to work for me. It just really hurts me that he knows I hate it when he smokes up, and it makes me extremely upset, but goes ahead anyways. I just know that I do NOT want pot in my future, and he says he's going to stop when he's 30, but even if I could wait that long (which I can't) I don't know if I can trust him to stop…b/c he lies know about how much he smokes. He says he only smokes once or twice a week, but I know it's more like 3 times a week. And he likes to counter my argument that it's the same as drinking. Even if it were (and I don't believe it is) I drink about once every 2 weeks, and I'm not someone that goes out and gets sloshed and comes back home sloppy.

Added to the problem is that I feel somewhat dependent on him now, b/c if I break up with him, I'm not sure if I would move back to NYC or stay in Chicago and try to make a life for myself. I just hate the pot smoking. And I hate arguing with him about him, b/c he does have problems controlling his temper sometimes and gets really upset. I know this makes me sound like such a weak person…and I've never thought I would be one of "those girls" in a relationship where the outsider thinks "what an idiot…" I guess my question is, should I try to work it out or just move on and cut my losses. I truly love him, and he is a really good person in so many ways, but I just don't know if I can deal with this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 1:11pm

Warning:

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 1:35pm

From what you're saying, my two cents.


LEAVE NOW. Find your own place, or make an agreement to get out as soon as you can. Go home, stay there, but LEAVE HIM.


My big piece of advice: NEVER DATE POTENTIAL.


Meaning, don't date someone cuz he has potential to STOP smoking weed, don't date someone if you THINK you can change them or if they say they will. Dont' date someone you think has any "potential" instead date the person your with now.


Personally, I can't really date ppl who do any sort of drugs, or really drink alcohol. Not that I'm against it, it's just not my own lifestyle. Heck, I don't even like those types of ppl that NEED their morning coffee. lol.I guess I see it as a crutch. Oh well. To each their own.






my pet!

Avatar for outfoxed2
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 1:53pm

Okay, there are a few issues here.... #1 in my mind is that you do not smoke pot and he does. Pot is illegal. I don't want to get into a debate on whether or not it should be legal. But, as long as it, this person is showing no respect for the law, for himself or for you. Pot does change you, just like any drug. What if you decide to have children. Do you want them to grow up being familiar with the smell on daddy? If you do not smoke yourself, I would guess that this is not something you would want.

#2. If this is something that you cannot accept, there is one thing that I can tell you from my experience. I have been married twice and in both cases, the one thing that I was not sure if I could tolerate or not, but decided to give the relationship a try any way, in both cases became the predominate part of their personality. For my first husband, it was drinking, for my second husband it was being verbally abusive. In both cases this bad behavior seemed relatively mild while we were dating. After we were married there was no stopping it!!!

My honest opinion is that you should cut your loses and move on. This person obviously doesn't see anything wrong with it and doesn't want to quit. I don't see why they think they will be able to in 2 years. That logic just seems bizarre to me. If they wanted to quit, they would do it now.

Good luck and keep us posted!
outfoxed

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 2:00pm

I don't blame you for being upset. Like you, I wouldn't want a 28 year old pot-smoking boyfriend. There comes a time when people need to grow up and be a little more responsible. It sounds like you have the same opinion of pot smoking that I have. It's a kid thing. You get to a certain age it's time to move on and find better, more constructive things to do and spend money on.

If it's important to you that he stop, then he should stop. Don't compromise your values over this. It's more important than whether or not he leaves the toilet lid up. It's an issue that could continue to create difficulties for you for years to come. What if you married him, had children, lived a respectable life and one day your BF (now husband) gets picked up for possession? No, he might not spend an eternity in jail for possession of marijuana, but it would be expensive and disappointing. I had to pay $1200.00 to get my son out of jail when was arrested for possession of less than an ounce. What if that $1200.00 was money you'd saved up to buy a house, but you had to use it to bail out your husband? Also, what does this kind of behavior say to any kids you might have? That it's OK to use drugs and break the law?

I did drugs as a kid, all kinds of drugs, but now I'm a zero tolerance person. I see nothing constructive in it. It's a risk-taking behavior that's an incredible waste of time and money. If your BF refuses to stop, even though he knows how important this is to you, then he's making a conscious choice and choosing drugs over you. What else to you think he might put ahead of you? If it's THAT important to him, get yourself free of him and find someone with values more in line with yours.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 3:51pm
im not going to say whether pot smoking is morally wrong or whetevr, because i just dont know. i have never done it. but i am telling you that i drink quite a bit, and also (sorry cher!) have to have coffee lol. lotsa both.
and its something i have tried again and again to quit or cut back on, and im almost 30 and so far i havent been able to.
agreeing to quit by 30 is meaningless to an addict.
believe me.
i have WANTED to quit for someone, but its not something you can do. not with alcohol, and i bet not with pot.
this is obviously not something he cares about doing for himself, or he would be trying actively to quit now.
even if you want to quit for yourself its awfully hard.
as another poster said, im confused as to why you are there now when you knew about this already, but whats done is done. think about where to go from here, but speaking as an outsider it doesnt look like this relationship is worth pursuing.
good luck to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 4:06pm

Hey guys, thanks for the responses. Yes, I realize I made the mistake of starting to date someone that smoked pot, when I knew I didn’t like it. So now I have to deal with the consequences that come from it, i.e. stay together or break up. I didn’t understand the impact that it would have on me since we were in a long distance relationship until 2 ½ months ago.

I’m not sure why we picked the arbitrary age of 30. I think it came out of a discussion of me telling him that I did not see pot in my future, that I didn’t want the kids in the next room while he was in the kitchen smoking up. So that’s where that random age came from.

I think I just need to put it out there on the line and tell him it’s either quitting pot or the end of our relationship, and be okay with myself if he doesn’t choose me. After all, I don’t want to be with someone if getting high is more important than their significant other. It’s just so hard to know these things intellectually, and then actually follow through with them in actuality. I’m looking for my own apartment right now so that if we do break up, I don’t feel like I have nowhere to go.

To answer Steffy, as I mentioned earlier, yes I did make the mistake of starting to date someone who used pot, when I knew I didn’t like it. We all make mistakes, so now I have to make decisions with the situation I’m in at the present. Also, there are several reasons I don’t like pot:

1)there’s no way to get around it, it’s illegal. putting aside all the arguments of why some people think it should be legal, it’s not. you can get arrested for possession, use, etc. i’m not sure how i can explain to my future kids that you only have to follow the laws if you think they’re appropriate. i don’t want to end up in jail or have to bail him out.
2)in my boyfriend’s case specifically, he uses pot socially sometimes, but the majority of the time he smokes by himself. yes, i do drink occasionally, but i when i do it’s in a social setting. i don’t sit in my room and drink by myself. to me that seems like isolation and unhealthy. also, when i drink, i don’t drink to get drunk. when i have a glass of wine with dinner, it’s not to get sloshed…it’s b/c i enjoy the taste of it. also, drinking and smoking will never be the same for me because of #1 above. as for “other recreational drugs”, i have no idea what those drugs would be besides pot, and don’t really want to know
3)i dislike the things that are associated with pot. i dislike the fact that he has contact with drug dealers, who deal more than just pot. i don’t like being in the apartment when one of them comes knocking. if he feels that he wants to me stay in the bedroom, b/c he doesn’t want them to see me and vice versa, something’s wrong

anyways, now i’m babbling on too long. i guess i just have to figure out what to do and if i have the courage to do it. if i can’t deal with it and he won’t stop, it’s in both of our best interests to end it now before it goes any further.

thanks for all your comments guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 5:14pm

I think the most important thing to understand and accept here is - RULES do not work in adult relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 12:14am

Sorry to say this, Soup, but I think your request is WAY out of line. You knew when you started dating him that he smoked pot, and you accepted that and now you want him to change because YOU don't like it. Sorry, but ... not his problem. It's 100% your problem.

Secondly, to the poster who said << i have WANTED to quit for someone, but its not something you can do. not with alcohol, and i bet not with pot.>>

Kind of off-topic but pot is not like a lot of drugs. I, too, don't want to argue the moral or legal aspect (to each is own!) but ... there is virtually NO way to overdose on pot, which makes it unlike most illegal drugs. Alcohol, though legal, on the other hand claims thousands of lives each year just from people over-drinking. Secondly, it's not really an addictive drug because there are no withdrawl symptoms from pot. People can be come "addicted" to the mood, but they aren't really addicted to the drug.

Anyway, marijuana is medically prescribed to cancer/chemo patients to reduce nausea and AIDS patients to increase their appetites. Compared to alcohol, it actually does have some redeeming qualities! It's a natural substance, unlike cigarettes, which are highly addictive and loaded with chemicals. Marijuana is just a dried plant. So, I don't know why I'm saying this ... just to give you another perspective on it that you might want to think about before being SO critical of something he does a few times a week and doesn't seem to be presenting a problem in his life.

Regardless of whether or not you can accept it or if it's going to be a deal breaker for you, it's something YOU knew about when you went into the relationship ... so, it's really more of your problem than his.

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:31am
Despite all the other issues surrounding drug use, I think it comes down to a simple if he cared enough he would stop because it's something you feel so strongly about. There should be no argument. If he is sensitive enough to your needs then that's all it should take for him to stop. If he doesn't, then he's put his drug use ahead of you. That's not saying much for how much he cares, does it?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:42am

"i guess i just have to figure out what to do and if i have the courage to do it. if i can’t deal with it and he won’t stop, it’s in both of our best interests to end it now before it goes any further."


Yes, I think that's the case... and I don't think that you should make him choose.

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

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