Should I just tell my ex how I feel??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Should I just tell my ex how I feel??
10
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 11:53am

Ok I've been lurking here for a while (few posts here and there) and I figure this is a good place to share my story because I am pretty much going nuts thinking about it. I have gotten input/advice from close friends and they all tell me I need to wait for the right timing and then go for it. Anyway, here is my story:


My ex and I started dating when I was 14, he was 15. We actually knew each other in preschool but went to different schools up until High School. So we were together for years and years. His family was my family, he worked with my dad, he was my whole world. At one point around 21 I wanted some time apart, not to be with someone else per se, b/c I did love him, but I felt like we needed to grow indepedently, because if we got married soon we'd probably wind up resenting each other. He was always kind of flirty(although loyal to a fault, good guy) so I figured he could use time to sow his wild oats and I needed time to learn about myself and grow up and find out who I was without him, but I always saw him in my future, I always pictured us married someday.


Anyway, of course the risk I took was him meeting someone else, and he met this girl who was a few years younger (and needy and clingy and obnoxious) and I think she started to fill a void that he felt was missing with us. He needed that

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 1:27pm

My opinion is that you ought to move on and let him live his life. Just because he's not married or engaged yet doesn't mean he's still available. He's in a serious relationship of four years, and you need to respect that. You may think he's unhappy with her, but you have no way to know what's really going on, and it's not your place to make that decision. The bottom line is that he still wants to stay with her and try to make things work. His first priority seems to be his relationship with her, and that's the way it SHOULD be.

You had your chance with him, and you decided to risk it. You can't just expect to have him back because of your history with him. Once you broke up with him, you were no longer his girlfriend and had no more claim to him than any other girl. However you may feel about this girl, she has stuck with him. As long as they are both choosing to stick together in a relationship, it is not your place to interfere with that.

If you are still stuck on this guy after all these years, to the point where you are not interested in anybody else, I would recommend getting counseling. There are other men out there that could make you happy. It will take time to build up the type of bond you and him had, but it can be done. You have to be open to the idea that there is somebody else out there for you before that can happen though. If you are stuck on missing your ex, you won't be available to the next wonderful guy who will come along and offer you what you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 1:57pm

Well, I do appreciate your opinion, but I think you misinterpreted what I said.


He hasn't been dating her for 4 years. He's been dating her for a year a half. Although that is still a long time anyway.


I never said he was available. I never said I expected to have him back, not sure how you intepreted that. In fact I said I DON'T expect him to want me back after all this time.


I never said I wasn't interested in anyone else. I have met numerous guys, I have liked numerous guys and its been nothing but let down after let down. I don't agree that there is some "wonderful" guy out there waiting and no amount of counseling will change that. No therapist is going to snap his or her

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 2:25pm

I have to agree with rosewater...Leave it alone. He is in a relationship for now and you want to tell him how you think you feel (from a relationship that was almost 2 years ago), because you think he is just settling for this girl and you secretly want him back... to me that is sounds just a little selfish.

It might be a little different if you didn't hang out with his friends all the time, but you do and telling him could make that situation uncomfortable for all involved.

If/when he breaks up with this girl, and you still feel the same way then go for it, but for now leave it alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 2:32pm

I have been in a similar situation since freshman year of high school. Met a guy when I was 14, he was 15, we dated up until a month after our high school graduation. I never knew exactly why he broke up with me since he told me very different things. We never lost contact even though we both started dating other people and he has been with his g/f for two years. I recently heard that he missed me, regretted his decision, was afraid of commitment when he was younger and how he was not as mature as he was now and there was nothing wrong with our relationship, he was just scared. (we are both 20, turning 21 in a little bit now)

I have yet to talk to him about this, but let me tell you, ASK him. As terrifying, random, weird, crazy it all feels to ask him about something that happened a long time ago, at least you will know 100% what he is thinking or how he feels.

I know he is way to stubborn to come to me and tell me what is really going on, which I know a lot of guys are like. I'm sure there are other reasons, but if you feel something inside that is telling you to talk to him or that makes you want to talk to him, do it. Even if you just NEED closure with him, do it. It won't hurt and if it does, then at least it is clear as to what you should do.

I've never felt right since my ex left, haven't felt the same way with another person, even when I met some great guys, and dated, and he has never left my mind.

Forget this "move on" crap. If you feel somewhere inside you that you either need that closure talk or to talk to him to see how he feels about the current situation. Especially knowing a person for that long, I feel like you should be able to talk to them no matter what.

Talk, break the silence, end the confusion, if it doesn't work out, move on.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 2:50pm
Well, it sounds like you know what you're risking by doing this - So if you really need to tell him in order to get the thoughts out of your head, regardless of what consequences, then
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 3:15pm

killerqueen-


I appreciate your input and your similar story! Makes me a feel a little better here. And it makes me feel a little less crazy for feeling like this when other people go through such similar things.


That is really interesting about your ex as well. I mean he is with this girl of 2 years, but still misses you, so it does happen. Do you think you will talk to him about this and take a chance? Or wait for him to come to you and talk?


And you're absolutely right, when you've known someone for so long you should be able to talk to them about this stuff. I mean I didn't just know him for a short period in my life, I've known him essentially forever and I do think that if he didn't at least somewhat miss the past he never would have called up my best friend. There is really no reason for that (especially because my best friend and his girl friend are not friends and when they did meet once or twice they didn't particularly get along). He should have no reason to contact MY best friend, whom he knows I spend a lot of time with, she is like family to me. If she was just an acquaintance, fine, but my best friend in the whole world...he opened that door for communication and maybe I just need to step through it and see.


I do not want to be a homewrecker or to destory his happiness, but I think you're right, if you feel something that strongly you just need to talk it out and end the confusion.


Thanks! Hope your situation works out for you too somehow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 3:25pm

sassisizz-


I have thought about that, just waiting if/when he breaks up with this girl and then doing it, because that would be more fair as opposed to doing it now. I agree, it would be pretty selfish of me. But I do feel like it was selfish of him to call my best friend up too and just come back into our lives after nothing for so long when he knew how upset I was at the end and he knew he just left her in the dust as a friend. It'd be one thing if he didn't cut her off too, but he did. So I guess a lot of selfishness going on on both sides.


I guess

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 7:41pm
I think that if you really need to say it .. just say it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 3:39pm

I think you should tell him how you feel. I was in a similar situation. My ex and I broke up back in Dec. so for 4 months I was holding on to the feelings I had for him. It's not like we had a complete break from each other after the relationship ended because we run in the same circle of friends. Every time I saw him, it was like all the feelings that I had before would come back. Finally in April, I mustered up enough confidence to tell him how I felt. Luckily, he said he felt the same way every time he saw me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2009
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 6:34pm

Thanks for your advice! I am glad you and your ex both got it out and there are no more secrets. I am sure it definitely feels like a weight has been lifted. And that's the thing we never really know how they feel/if they feel the same way until we say it. We can assume all we want, but still we don't know unless we take the chance.


I hope things eventually work out for you, no matter what happens!


And you're right..no one knows men better than men, very true! I think it's because they hate the whole "mind reading" game and they would much rather us just say what we think/want bluntly instead of waiting for them to figure it out.


I definitely plan on telling him, we haven't seen each other yet, but as of last week he did say it'd be cool for everyone to get together (our old group of friends) so I told him I'd let him know when we do, so I guess I will just see how it goes!