SHOULD i MOVE ON?
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| Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:24pm |
Here is my dilemma, I am 28, my boyfriend is 32. We have been dating exclusively for a year now. I am ready for a commitment towards marriage(engagement), he has other ideas.
We have talked about the marriage thing and, he has told me that he is not ready for that now. He even asked me would I be okay with just dating him and possibly never getting married. He seems to think that if I really loved him, I should want to be with him whether we get married or not. I view this arrangement as settling for less. Then he says he may change his mind about the marriage thing in the next 5 years, but he isn't really sure, so don't write him off completely b/c he doesn't want to lose me -(his exact words).
So now I am really confused, I mean should I wait and hope he changes his mind? Mind you I am 28, and he is 32. I really don't know what to do. I do love him, and I am content with just being in a relationship right now. But I would like to be married and building a future with someone at least in my early 30's. Should I even be worried about this now, since we have been only dating for a year?
Any advice would be appreciated-thanks!!!!
Raegan

Let's put the best objective spin possible on the situation.
What the man is saying "I do" is not relevant to how much I love you - and you love me.
In that regard, HE IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. Nobody loves you more post marriage - than pre-marriage.
When people marry - they SHOULD be marrying because they respect and admire the integrity and character and intelligence of thier partner. They admire the responsible way they conduct thier lives. they share values and standards with them and want to go togehter -w here they're eaach giong as individuals anyway.
So marriage - if entered into because of what you KNOW about this person.....is not entered into based on how you "feel" about this person being in your life.
That makes marriage NOT an emotionally bonding element - but a legality ridden contract.
If you love and admire his character and vice versa - you'll do that out of marriage, in marriage, or even if the relationship ends.
However "marriage" as a legal institution provides some legal protection as you accrue homes and assets, as you make babies. It's not that you can't have a baby outside of marriage - but the assumption there on the outer layer is that by having hcildren "in" the bonds of marriage you have more help raising the children, and more options for the children.....at the the fundamental acknowledgement you're going "and if this partnership doesn't work out - he/she is legally obligated to parent because I didn't make this baby on my own".
What i hear you saying "I don't want to begin to buy houses and draw up legal contracts, I don't want to have babies without sharing a last name and a legal bond". All completely understandable.
But waht he's saying is "I have no need of a legal contract and limited protection - in order to love you, buy property with you, and make babies with you".
He easily MIGHT have something he'll never "do" as a result of no marriage - such as make babies by choice....and thus in a way he might be protecting himself from an emotionally driven moment.....by never marrying and refusing to father children by choice outside of marriage - he has a way never to get "stuck" with the job of parenting that he doesn't want and doesn't know how to acknowledge he doesn't desire. That doesn't mean you two can't have an oopsie - but it'll be YOUR oopsie to raise - if you two split.
So I'd say that you have to determine what you believe and think - and I really do believe you've odne that in great part. You've stated you believe it's "settling" to settle for a life with him without marriage and children......so that means marriage as an intitution is important to you - maybe examining why that is -what you believe it'll offer yuou and require of you to forgo and sacrifice - might be something to consider doing on your own.
Alot of times we find ourselves wanting what we're 'told is right to want" - without really knowing what it'll bring, provie, or require of us - until it gets here.
But if you want marriage because you value it is as an institution, you're NOT going to make babies without being married - then you're probably barking up the wrong tree with this guy.
Because here's a little known fact about "indecision". Indecision IS A DECISION. It's a decision not to decide. IT's a decision to float in limbo because the limbo of the moment works for me. Now the second the limbo of the moment doesn't work for him, he'll make a decision. But the limbo of the moment works for him - and since he has no established value or prioritization on marriage or children - it's unlikely that he's viewing it as anything but obligation and restriction. He's not likely to develop a desire for it - while limbo remains. Indecision about his position works for him. It gets him waht he wants - access and privilege with you - without anyting he doesn't want - obligation and requirement and legal risk.
You however are not comfortable in this "limbo"....and nobody's responsible for your needs, wants, goals, and desires or them being achieved but you. If you're not comfortable in indecision about this fundamental elements in life that are important to you - it's up to you to go out and find someone that they're important to - that you share interests and commonalities with.
The "bond" you have iwth him isn't exclusive. And here's how it happened. YOu enjoyed his company and attention - and got attached to the feeings it inspired in you - about yourself. YOu got intertwined and involved in his daily life and in him yours. You each became a stabilizing factor and a resource option - to one another.
What you're finding now is that your previous needs and expectations being met - doesn't eliminate your future expectations and needs arising. You've now reached a point where you want something he doesn't. For you to get that something you want - you can't be with him. Because rarely are you going to find a situation where you meet, date and marry one man, and have his children and share his life - and he's fine with you having a lover on the side - because that is really al your current man wants to be.
So waht you have this existing man - you can have with any man. It's the capacity to love you and a life with someone else - that exists within you. That capacity and option can be shared with anybody - provided you don't tell yourself "nobody else will do" - at which point you're creating the scenario you're attempting to avoid - by your own doing.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think that it's not wise to continue to put whether or not you get married in the hands of someone who doesn't see the value of marriage and may or may not ever want to make a real committment to you.
"He seems to think that if I really loved him, I should want to be with him whether we get married or not."
Oh I see. Because you love him you should be okay with the uncertainty of his love for you. You should WANT a guy that doesn't love you enough to declair and vow that he'll not only love you today but intends to love you forever. And what, you'll just continue dating, like teenagers or something? Or does he think you should start shacking up so that he can take from you all the bennifits of a wife with out having to give back any real committment? And forget about if you really loved him... what about if he really loved you!? If he really loved you, why would he want to settle for no real committment between the two of you?
"Then he says he may change his mind about the marriage thing in the next 5 years, but he isn't really sure, so don't write him off completely b/c he doesn't want to lose me "
What he's really saying here is so blatenly self centered that I'm amazed you stuck around. He "MAY" change his mind in 5 YEARS, but don't hold your breath, but don't dump him either because he wants to keep getting all the goodies from you. Ugh, how insulting!! And what's this 5 years crap? What does he think magically changes in five years? Are you willing to just put your future on hold for the next five years over a "might"? What if the answer is still no? Then what?
"I am content with just being in a relationship right now."
But you want the relationship to lead to marriage, and he's telling you that if that's the case he's not the guy you should count on. I think you should give yourself an ultimatem. You'll stick around for X amount of time "just being" in the relationship that you are content in. If when that time expires you've got no less than a ring and a date you will decide that you're going to stop gambling your future on his "might". It's not an ultimatem to him, you don't even mention it to him, because lets face it, you want him to WANT to marry you, not be arm twisted into it.
Good luck in your decision.