Should I see where this goes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2008
Should I see where this goes?
4
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 12:29pm
I need some perspective on my relationship. Here's the deal:



Our history

We have been together for about a year and a half. We were friends for about four years before we started dating. He is 22. I am 21. We will graduate from college in May. We talk increasingly seriously about getting married in the next couple of years.



Our relationship

We get along really well. We rarely fight, and when we do there's no screaming. We get each other. We have fun together. This is the best relationship I've ever been in, except for one thing: our sex life is not good.



First, I'm not a virgin, but he is. I think he suspects that I'm not, but he wouldn't want me to verify this. That makes me uncomfortable; I'm not ashamed of having had sex before, and I wish he wouldn't make me feel that way.



Second, his sex drive is really low. Things were fine when we started dating because we had so much sexual tension built up over the years. Apparently that's run out now, because he's content with once every couple of weeks while I wouldn't mind some activity every day. I've tried seducing him, and I've had multiple conversations with him about this. Nothing changes. He says he would rather just cuddle most of the time. This frustrates me and makes me feel undesirable. I also feel like plenty of guys would appreciate my sex drive and that it's being wasted with him.



Our future

Unsurprisingly, it's uncertain. He just got a job that will require him to travel for a year starting in June. I've done the long-distance thing before. I'm not eager to do it again ... but I'm willing to if we have a real future together. As far as he knows, nothing between us will change during this time.



Thoughts? Should I hang onto this relationship? Or am I facing some dealbreakers?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 5:05pm

I'm confused. Is he still a virgin? Why would he need you to "verify" that you've slept with other people... Aren't you having sex now?

You two may very well just be insurmountably incompatible sexually. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you (he can find just as many women who would be happy with once every few weeks as you could find men who would be happy to do you every day), but it does mean that if you stay together you will be unhappy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 5:58pm

I'm going to quote a book here that I mention a lot because I like it that much.

Is He Mr. Right? by Mira Kirshenbaum.

Out of all the couples she's surveyed, she says the 5 dimensions of chemistry are needed, and they have to be strong, in order for a couple to have a happy life together.

1. Is it fun to be together - without props and parties, just you two?
2. Is is easy to get close to each other, emotionally?
3. Do you respect him and what he does and vice versa?
4. Do you feel safe with him, rarely says things that hurt/scare you, and is he not fighting inner demons or addictions?
5. Do you have physical attraction and affection?

She says you need all 5 dimensions and they need to be strong. If one is weak, it will eventually dissolve the union over time.

So you say he doesn't want to know if you've had sex before?

"Second, his sex drive is really low. Things were fine when we started dating because we had so much sexual tension built up over the years. Apparently that's run out now, because he's content with once every couple of weeks while I wouldn't mind some activity every day. I've tried seducing him, and I've had multiple conversations with him about this. Nothing changes. He says he would rather just cuddle most of the time. This frustrates me and makes me feel undesirable. I also feel like plenty of guys would appreciate my sex drive and that it's being wasted with him."

This whole paragraph tells me that dimension 5 is weak. He knows your pleas, you've talked it over, things don't change.

In the end you aren't sexually compatible, but you can find a guy that has all that and more. After all you're only 21!

Read Mira's book if you want more input, I like how she spells it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 10:06am

Hi katiekate,

This one is fairly easy to answer....

Our history
-You guys are WAY too young to even think about getting married. Now is it him that talks about it, or you mostly? You both don't have your careers established and cant support yourselves financially. When a man truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he will have his s*** together. He'll be talking about it constantly and start to plan it. So talking and doing are 2 different things.

Plus, first loves are always the hardest to get through, and this seems to be the case here. Although people do get married at those ages, the issue of divorce is higher at that age. Wait till your late 20's and find someone that's financially stable is my 2 cents on that.

Our relationship
-Kinda confused on the whole virgin thing and the "couple of weeks". Your sex life can always be an issue. But whether or not he's a virgin...is a whole different story. Compatibility is a BIG thing, so I understand that. He could have issues that you aren't aware of...or that he's not willing to talk about. If you two are doing something else other than sex, well then you need to have a talk with him about it. If he doesn't wanna talk about it with you, then that should be a red flag to you. Bottom line...guys NEVER have an issue with sex unless they have a problem with themselves that they don't wanna talk about.

Our future
-If you are not happy with thing, which you seem to be very unsure about, then you need to face facts with this guy. Keep in mind that you have a lot of life to live in the next 5 and 10 years. Things will change big time. In the meantime once he goes off on his job for a year, what I would do is to break things off and see where YOU are in a year. Work on yourself, and getting a job established, get a place, date, do whatever. If you guys are in a different place in a year...or whenever he comes back... then you two can discuss feelings at that point in time.

Another piece of advice is to NOT waste your time on 1 guy (I did that for 4 years then sucked it up and dumped him...since it wasn't going anywhere). When he is "ready", you'll know. Remember that actions speak louder than words. Bottom line on the future, stop worrying about where the relationship is going, and start worrying about yourself and YOUR future, cause that's the only thing that you can control at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 11:20am

Katiekate09,


Welcome to the board! It sounds like you guys have a good relationship except when it comes to sex. I am alittle confused though, is he a virgin or have you both already had sex?


Katie, sexual compatibility is a big deal in relationships. While you think you may be able to handle it, the truth is, as time goes on you most likely will not be able to. It will begin to affect you in so many ways. Marriage will not change that.


Would you marry someone who didn't have the same set of moral beliefs as you? Would you date someone who didn't want the same kind of relationship as you?I'm assuming that the answer to both is no. So why would you marry someone or have a relationship with someone