Should I stay friends with him?
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| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 8:28pm |
Warning: This will be long, so settle in...lol
Two months ago, I met this guy on a dating website. He had just moved to my city for a new job 2 weeks before. We chatted through e-mail for 2 weeks, then decided to meet. Instantly, we clicked. We enjoyed the same movies, music, things to do, and just general life stuff. We fell into comfort immediately. We saw each other every day for 5 days. We quickly fell into an intimate relationship, because everything felt so comfortable. But shortly after that, we had a talk, and he told me that he wasn't in a place in his life that he felt comfortable entering into a relationship, but that he didn't want to lose my friendship because he had never felt so comfortable with someone in his life. So at that point, we agreed to just be friends. We continued hanging out constantly--he was always the one who initiated the time we spent together, he would invite me over to his house and cook for me, we'd watch movies, play trivia, and just generally hang out 3 or 4 nights a week. We had stopped kissing, making out, and having sex, but we both love to cuddle, so we did continue that aspect of intimacy. For example, when it got late and I said it was time for me to go home because I was tired, he convinced me to stay at his house, so we'd fall asleep next to each other and cuddling, but nothing sexual ever happened. He did such nice things for me, like buy me little presents and send me "thinking of you" e-mails at work, so for all intents and purposes, it was like we were in a relationship. We hung out together ALL the time. After this "friends only" stuff continued for a couple weeks, I decided that I needed to know if we would ever have a future together, or if this was all we would ever have, so we got into a discussion about it. I told him that being just friends was hard for me, but if he could tell me that he would never fall in love with me, I could stop my feelings from growing, and be OK with it. His answer was, I can't tell you that, because I don't know that I'll never fall in love with you--I don't know what I want right now, because I'm in such a transition in my life right now. He kept reiterating how much he loved our friendship and didn't want to lose it. A week later, the friendship thing was killing me, so I asked him how he would want me in his life if he didn't have to worry about hurting me (because he didn't know what he wanted), and his answer was (with a laugh),"I'd have sex with you every night!" So needless to say, that night we fell into bed again, and for the next 4 days, were back to being intimate. Then I told him that I couldn't be doing that if he didn't want to be with me, so he said that it was OK, that we'd do whatever I wanted to do, because he didn't want to hurt me. So for the last 2 weeks, we've been back in friendship-only mode, and it's so hard. He invited me out to karaoke with his friends Friday night, and he ended up talking with this girl most of the night, and they were quite obviously flirting with each other in my eyes (but maybe that was just jealousy?), and it really hurt me. (Granted, most of his friends here are female, because that's all he works with, and he's told me that he's always felt more comfortable with female friends.) I decided that I wouldn't let him do that to me, and that I was done being his friend. Then the next day he calls me, and when I said something about being sorry I dragged him away from his conversation to leave the night before, he said it was no big deal, they were just talking aobut work stuff and another co-worker of theirs. I gave him the chance to tell me that he was interested in her, and he wouldn't do it! He's removed his profile from the dating site, and since he's spending at least 3 nights a week or more with me, I don't think he's out looking for girls.
So what do I do? On one hand, he calls me his best friend, and on the other hand, tells me that he's insanely attracted to me and wants to ravage me constantly (but won't do it because he doesn't want to ruin our friendship). So, don't those 2 things normally add up to a relationship? I don't get it. Do I keep being his friend and falling more and more in love with him, only to see him eventually probably date other girls, and just hope that he'll one day have the good sense to fall in love with me? Or do I tell him I can't see him anymore and save my heart, but be miserable because I've come to love having him in my life? HELP!!

People treat you the way you allow them to. In this instance, you're allowing him to be a friend, because you are hoping if you stick around, one day he'll come around and want you. Whereas, he's still confused, but he knows he physically wants you, which is NOT to be confused with wanting you as a gf or more.
My bf, when we first were dating, didn't want anything with me, nothing more than casually dating, which basically meant, he could see me when HE pleased. And no more obligation than that from him. Well, I didn't accept that. we went to be friends. But he treated me more than a friend, which then I wanted more, but he didn't. So I fell into a FWB situation. Well, after doing that for a few months, I said that was it. Choose. Well, he chose to let me go, cuz he couldn't give me what I needed.
Weirdly, I asked him what he THOUGHT I "needed". Well, what he thought and what was reality was two very different things. So he gave me a commitment. However, he still treated me as he did when we were casually dating.
After doing that for another 6 months, of asking him to make me a priority and HOPING he would, he never did.
I told him, I couldn't live my life like this and he was right, he couldn't give me what I wanted, and I apologized for holding on for so long, and I let him go. He let me go too. And it hurt that he realized he shouldn't have even committed when he couldn't make a commitment.
HOWEVER!!! a day or two later, he wanted to talk to me. He realized he needed to change things now...or lose me forever. he changed. He wasn't willing to lose me.
So, my advice to you. If you don't like being in limbo, take control of YOUR life instead of waiting on him...and walk away. Tell him you need time, away, to let go. Andmaybe later you can be friends. If he really wants you, and realizes this "transition" time needs to end, he'll do it. If he really is that messed up, or doesn't really want you, he let you go and never look back. And either way, you have an answer. You can learn to move on, let go, and give up that last piece of "hope" that he keeps giving you so you'll hold on.................or he'll realize he can't lead you with a carrot anymore and let go, or make the choice to commit.
Either way, you have to be strong, and either way, I think letting go, for at leaset a minimum of 6 months no contact would do you two a lot of good. Cuz for now, he's just hanging the carrot in front of you, so you'll stick around, and if he didn't want to hurt you, he'd let you go completely to move on and find someone who is willing to make the commitment.
hugs. i know it's not easy. but you DO have control of YOUR life. But instead, you are choosing to give HIM the control of YOUR life and instead, you sit there...waiting...hoping...praying....he'll change. BTW, if he really wants you, and when his transition time ends, he knows how to find you. It's not like you HAVE to be there in his life day in day out, for him to forget you...assuming that is what he truly wants...you.
~pineapple_girl
You wrote: "On one hand, he calls me his best friend, and on the other hand, tells me that he's insanely attracted to me and wants to ravage me constantly (but won't do it because he doesn't want to ruin our friendship). So, don't those 2 things normally add up to a relationship?"
Only if the person WANTS to be in a r'ship. Otherwise, no, they add up to casual dating or a friends with benefits situation.
Since he doesn't want a r'ship and you do, it would be best for you to stop seeing him until you get over your romantic feelings for him. I've been in your situation, and it's really, really painful. I wouldn't recommend it.
Sheri
See, I knew the answer to this before I even posted. But I'm so weak!! I tried to leave him once, and 3 days later I was calling him. It's just that I just moved here a few months ago, too, and other than the girls at work, he's really my only friend, too. I get so lonely, and we can just sit and watch TV or go walk around Walmart and have a good time laughing. I feel like he IS becoming my best friend, and that's a big part of what I don't want to give up. I think it's so hard because if he did come out and tell me he didn't have feelings for me, and it wasn't likely that he ever would, I'd probably still want to be his friend. I'm sure it might change a little if I started dating someone, but how can I do that when I would always compare them to what he and I have together? Am I just destined to be the girl who settles for 3/4 of a relationship with her best friend, like in My Best Friend's Wedding?
"Am I just destined to be the girl who settles for 3/4 of a relationship with her best friend, like in My Best Friend's Wedding? "
Yup. and you won't get beyond him until he marries someone else and you see him happy in love. (unless he chooses you, IF he chooses you, but you can't live your life hoping for that)
good luck.
~pineapple_girl
LOL
Hasn't anyone ever been the best friend and had it work out???
Give a girl a bone, would ya??? LOL