Should I stay or go? Help..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Should I stay or go? Help..
4
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:47pm

I know I have posted a few times before about this, but it's just that my life is a total mess and I need advice from people who don't know me..

I have a bf since almost 2 months ago. The thing is.. I have never felt those feelings for him I have felt with previous boyfriends in the beginning of a relationship. That you just want to be with them all the time, that your heart races just by him looking at you, that you are walkin on air etc.. I have never felt this with him. This relationship started because he wanted to date me and I agreed, then we have continued seeing each other. Of course I don't dislike him, we have fun together but I have never felt that connection between us. We are different in many ways, but he has good opinions and I know I can trust him. The times when it feels best is when we are making out or having sex.. when we don't talk. Sad to say but then it feels good.

Then there is this guy who I have known since May, who's had a gf the whole time. We kept in touch over the summer and I started liking him more and more.
Now he's back here in college, and we see each other quite often. With him I feel a connection, he does very thoughtful things. On my birthday a few days ago he gave me this DVD with my favourite band and my favourite song, a total surprise, while my boyfriend came over with no plans for the night with a crappy necklace. Then he started talking about my ugly lamps and laughed about that. I just felt like crying and compared with what that other guy just did.

Now the guy with gf.. their relationship hasn't been good for a long time now, and they have talked a lot about it. Me and this guy have openly talked about us and what we feel for each other, that if there weren't any other people involved we would probably have been together in spring already. But we haven't done anything other than talked. So now tonight me and this guy talked a little about us and then he was going to talk to his gf on the phone. She doesn't live in this town.
After he said that she wanted an answer what it's gonna be. If they should be together or not. So now he said he felt sick because all of this and wanted to talk tomorrow in person.

Now what do I do? Should I break up with my bf already. I feel safe in that relationship, I feel I know what everything will be like, but I'm not really really happy. I feel I have a bf for a long time in him, that we would be doing all those couplethings. But still.. he never comes with any surprises, almost never sends sweet text messages or anything. It feels like he's not putting enough effort in this relationship and when I'm unhappy with him I just want to be with guy w. gf.

But at the same time I get insecure now when I really have to make a decision. This could change my life. Now I know what I have. If I break up I won't have that and I don't know what I get either. What if it doesn't work out at all with guy w. gf. I mean, can he be ready for a new relationship already? I think he shouldn't break up with her because of me, it should be because they are not a happy couple anymore. they have been together 4 years. And I'm only 21..

Any advice on this... thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 9:03pm

I think you should break up with your bf...you don't sound into him at all. It's not fair to him to stay in the relationship.

I would also break off contact with the other guy...ask him to call you *after* he's broken things off with his gf. But there would definitely be the danger of being a rebound with him...you'd have to take things VERY slowly.

Time to stand on your own two feet for a while...who knows, you might meet someone else besides these two guys who is right for you!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 10:17am

I agree with the previous post. You do not need to be with the guy you are with now. If you are not feeling positive about it after only 2 months, that is not good.

As far as the other guy...you are walking in dangerous territory. I can tell you this, if this guy has been with his girlfriend for 4 years, they are not going to just break up and you all with get together and everything with be hunky doorey. Not gonna happen. He may have feelings for you and he may be on the way out with his girlfriend but you will need to give him time to get over it. They may break up and he might be all about you but be careful of the rebound. It's very real. Cutting ties with him for the time being is the best option. Until you are out of the situation you are in and he is also, nothing really positive can come of it. If you decide not to cut ties, like many do, at least try to just keep it on a friend level. If not, you will really be gambling with your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 10:32am
I totally agree with the others. If you are like blah about your b/f now then leave. However, I think that ppl are like blah more so when they have some other interest which is truly your case. Only you know what's best for you. As far as the g/f guy....that can be tricky. They may break up cold turkey or drag it on. 4 years is 4 years. Me and my ex fiance were together for 5 and we broke up for like over a year. THen me and my recent ex were VERY close for a little over a year and have been on and off since. Just be careful b/c you can get truly hurt. I would say if you want to stay talking to the g/f guy then take it SLOW. Don't be physical or anything like that. Youhave to protect your heart! Good luck :D
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 12:09pm

I agree with everyone else!