Should I stay or should I go?
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| Fri, 02-03-2006 - 12:23am |
I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year, but things have fallen apart in the last few months. I suddenly seem to have lost interest in him, but I hesitate to end things, in case I'm making the wrong decision. He is very nice to me, he's kind, patient, generous... and incredibly boring. He is also quite a pushover and refuses to stand up for himself (to me or anyone else). It makes it hard for me to respect him at times. I can't stand his lack of assertiveness. He never makes plans to do anything, he has no friends (even though he grew up in this city), and seems to expect me to entertain him. We haven't had sex in months because I've lost all desire for him (we barely even kiss anymore). We don't live together, so I don't have to worry about sharing a bed with him or anything. I want to get married and have children soon (I'm 28) but I don't want to marry the wrong person. I don't feel any excitement at the thought of marrying this guy but I know it may be hard to find another guy who is that nice to me. I do feel like if we got married, we'd end up divorced for sure.
So, my question is this... is nice enough? Should I hold on to this guy just because he's nice even though there's no more chemistry between us? OR should I take the risk that Mr. Right is still out there and that we'll find each other eventually? I'm just afraid of ending up alone.

Dogs are nice; hot chocolate on a cold day is nice doesn’t mean it is something you want for the rest of your life. Don’t settle because if your unhappy now then add in 10 yrs 2 kids to the mix, where would that lead you?
Sweetie you sound just like me. If you have lost the desire, have lost interest in him...then I think you are answering your own question...it's time to go. Granted I'm 26 almost 27, and I got out of 3.5 year RL. He was 1.5 years younger than me, and was still trying to "find himself", and be finanically and professional stable. I miss the friendship with him, and all the good times we share together. But I didn't miss all the times I cried, or the stupid stuff he did to me. He still wants to play with the boys and spend money that he doesn't have. But I know that I made the right decision to dump him and move on, cause I know he wasn't going to do it. I think once a girl gets to a certain age/point in her life, that "clock" starts ticking. It makes it hard being with someone who seems to be going no where, but think about it...do you really want to be with someone like that?
We ALL have that fear of being alone, and the when am I going to find my soulmate. I'm going through that whole thing myself. I've personally come to accept the fact that god will provide me with someone when the time is right, and that I can't sit and try to force the issue. You should try and take the risk of leaving him, with no contact what so ever until you are over him. If you have to change numbers, or block e-mail/IM's then you have to do it. Do not keep yourself in something that makes you unhappy and you see going no where, if you stay it's only going to prolong the misery on your part. You will do it when the time is right. Keep your head up, make sure that you try and keep yourself busy to get your mind off of him...and someday down the road he won't be in your mind anymore.
Keep in mind that once you make that decision, stay with it. Try to make the break up as easy as possible, and in a friendly manner. It will only make you feel better in the long run, and hopefully down the road you can talk to him again...maybe by that time he'll start to wake up. Also note that down the road, ex's do come back in some form or another...I'm almost betting on the fact that mine will...just be prepared for it and don't look back. Good Luck, and remember don't ever settle for the one you can live with...settle for the one you can't live without.
Was your r'ship like this the entire time? where you had no respect for him, didn't like that he wasn't assertive enough, and boring? If it was, then yes, it's time for you to walk. If it wasn't, and you did love him once, regardless of all that, that you did accept him once, then I'd tell you to look at yourself before you walk. I mean did he turn boring all of a sudden, or did YOU get bored of him?
Are you the type of woman that doesn't feel she deserves great things in life? Do you start to wonder what will go bad, once everything is going good? Do you feel you should be "romanced" all the time? Do you feel love, is feeling that lovey dovey chemistry mushy feeling all the time? Are you scared of having a healthy r'ship, but may not realize it?
I am saying to look at you FIRST, because I have though many bad things about my bf, even the whole assertive no respect thing. However. I also realized, AFTER I broke up with him and we were apart for a couple of months, just how much I truly loved him. Just how much I wanted him as my husband in my life forever. I also realized many of the things I couldn't accept about him (many are the same reasons as yours) was because to me, he was "boring". Because I didn't want to take responsibility of my own actions and life, instead, I expected a man to "put me in my place". I expected him to fix me, by being assertive enough to tell me I'm being mean, criticizing, a bitch. Instead of fixing it in myself to begin with. It's MUCH harder to be a "good" person, when the other person doesn't FORCE you to be good by being assertive.
I saw in myself, this woman who couldn't accept anything good. Yes, to a point, I was settling with my guy, because he isn't what eveyrone ELSE said he SHOUDL be.....if he was the one. So, instead of accepting him, and truly loving him as I felt in my heart, I cut him down. Because he wasn't assertive, we didn't have that chemistry/passion, because he wasn't what the IDEAL man should be. But beyond those things, he was great to me. Loved me liek no other. We were friends. Best friends. I could never say that about any other man, and MEAN it in the truest sense.
So. I walked away. I know I had to, because the more negative I thought, the worst our r'ship became. And during my time away, I realized ALL my problems, ALL my screwed up issues. And in that time, i realized how VERY wrong I was and how my outlook on what marriage was, was basically jacked up. And who I wanted as a husband was even more jacked up.
I'm not saying this is you, by any means, I'm just throwing this out, that maybe it's you, not him. And maybe you need to do some soul searching to either really allow yourself to be vulnerable, accept this man, and love him, OR walk because even though the beginning might've been the same, you fooled yourself into thinking he is what you want.
Hello, I am a guy in a similar situation and maybe I can share one view. My GF of 1.5 years just recently told me that she does not feel that I am assertive and do not stand up for her. Up to this point I always felt there was some problem and when asked I was told things that really had nothing to do with the real problem. The things that were told to me drew me to the conclusion that she needed her independence.
I asked for examples of times that made her feel this way and I could understand her view once laid out to me. The problem I have is that in each instance I can specifically remember diverting my actions to intervene so that she could prove that she could handle the situation. I tried to explain the reasons for my actions but it did not help.
Right now I am extremely conflicted because this is someone that I love with all my heart and not for a minute would I ever let anyone hurt her and yet she has come to an assumption about my character that is not true. That hurts very much even though I know it was spawned from my own actions. At the same time, however, I feel angry because I have always expressed my love and desire for this woman and not once have I ever shown my doubts about how I feel. Right now I feel there is nothing I can say to prove I am not this person she has concluded.
So now, if I leave I will lose someone that is very special to me. If I stay, I feel that I will always have to prove that I am not the person that has been painted. It is extremely frustrating, because not for a minute would I fail to protect my family or loved ones. That is a very serious miss-conception and one that I can not live with.
Assuming I stay and meet the needs she is looking for the things I would hope for from her are:
-Little by little return the affection that she has stopped.
-In times I do not stand up for her or myself in the way she would expect ask me about it at the time it happened. Everyone has different perceptions as to what should be stood up for and how.
-I would also hope that she would desire my help more and not be afraid to ask for it. I know it is sounds cliché, but most guys really do want to be the hero and fix your problems. If you call us one night and say you heard a noise and had the neighbor come over instead of calling us, we would feel rejected. I don’t care if I have to drive two hours to get to you I will come, now I may say in the mean time go over to the neighbor’s house, but at least you have let me play my role. Enough of those instances will all together turn off our desire to help.
-Most importantly I would hope that she would believe in my changes and not let the past feelings interfere with the healing. It is far too easy to find instances that prove your point than prove otherwise when strong feelings are attached.
In your situation, you have named quite a few items that all have there own issues. You have to decide the ones that are really important. If they are all, than it is time to move on. If it really boils down to one or two than is it something he had in the beginning or was it never there to begin with? The other questions you should think about, has he picked up on things and have you ever told him the real issues? Has he ever made an effort to change his actions whether right or wrong and asked or not asked? Have any of your actions masked your feelings allowing him to become comfortable? Probably not much help, but if you feel he cares for you then it merits some thinking about. Good Luck. Don’t worry, if it does not work out a year is not that long and there are still good guys out there.
I went thru this exact same thing with my BF. Here lies MY concern...
"The problem I have is that in each instance I can specifically remember diverting my actions to intervene so that she could prove that she could handle the situation. "
YOu said you wanted her to PROVE she could handle the situation? WHY!!!
One thing my bf did (or didn't do) was he never helped me out, nor ever offered his help. It made me feel like he never cared about me, or just expected me to do everything on my own. With his own words, he said, "I figured you could handle it, you're strong". And that's when I wanted to slap him. But I didn't. Instead, I said, "even strong people need someone to lean on, and if I can't lean on you, I'll have to find someone outside of the r'ship". He got the point that he needed to be there for me more and not just ASSUME I can handle things on my own. At the SAME TIME, I needed to learn to ASK for his help. My pride tends to keep me from asking. His assumption would keep him from offering.
So, it's a two-way street. You can't sit back and expect your gf to PROVE she can handle something, at the same time, she needs to learn to ask. You being more passive, you do need to learn WHAT is VERY important to her, what's not. You'll need to be more in touch with what she sees as a serious thing, or not. I am not saying it's all you. She too would need to learn how to open her mouth more, and to let go of her pre-conceived notions of who you are. My bf is still passive, but I'm learning to open my mouth when I need help.
As for you standing up for her, I guess it depends on the actual incident. I mean, if your family member is calling her names and you're just standing there, then you're in the wrong. If she's picking a fight and some guy gets angry and she expects you to stand up for her, she's wrong.
Expectations can be a bad thing. Especially when they're unreal.