Should I still date him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Should I still date him?
11
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 1:17pm

Hello,


I was hoping to get some opinions from members of this board. I started dating this guy (we have only gone out 4 times). I had met him last year and we only started dating recently. He is the nicest guy you could ever meet. He compliments me all the time, opens the car door for me, etc. He is alot of fun to be with. I have never had a bad time with him.


Well, the issue I have with him is his finances. He owns his own trucking company business. He usually works daily but sometimes things are slow and he doesn't work. He told me that he had to take out a loan a while ago to get his business going, which is understandable. He seems like a hard worker and I know truckers can make good money. I am not the type of woman that is looking for a guy with tons of money. I just want someone that has a stable job and I get along with and I can fall in love with.


Anyways, I was at his apartment one day and I happened to notice a huge pile of (which looked like bills) on the kitchen table. He didn't see me and I wasn't evesdropping. It was just laying there. Some were opened and others were unopened. I noticed some letters from the IRS and other bank statements that said delinquent. I don't understand why he would have all of that stuff laying on a table for all to see? I would put that stuff away. After I saw it, I didn't mention anything at all. No questions. It really isn't any of my business. But I think it would be if we got closer and we were dating exclusively.


Well, we were sitting on the couch and he brought up the papers on the table. He said he was gonna clean up all of that so it's not so messy. I felt it was a good opportunity to ask about it. All I said was, "are those bills?" He said no, it was his trucking company stuff and other things people are trying to sell him. But I clearly saw other things like bank statements and IRS letters (which I didn't confront him with).


I don't know what to do. I know that people have issues with money and things happen in life. I don't think badly of him in any way. He is the nicest guy I have ever met and I genuinely think he likes me (as I do like him too). I just wouldn't want to get into anything like if we become serious and end up getting married...usually both people's money gets put together. I, myself, have debt and am not proud of it. But I know I would have to know his whole story before any talk of marriage is brought up. Oh, also, he has mentioned marriage...not really with him and me, but kind of in a joking manner, like he wants to get married, have the house, kids and everything. I don't like when people bring that stuff up so early on in a relationship.


He sent me an email this morning and asked if I was ok? I sent him one back saying I wanted to call him and what would be a good time? So I am planning on calling him tonight. I know talking about money is a touchy subject, but I don't know what to do. I was thinking about just saying we should just be friends now or tone things down a bit. I really don't

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 2:34pm
I don't think that's enough evidence to decide he's financially in trouble or a delinquent. I guess if you wanted to stop dating him because of it then it's your choice, but it would be based on nothing more than an assumption
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 2:43pm
Thanks for the reply. I don't think it's an assumption though. I clearly saw the delinquent bills on his table. But, in
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 2:47pm
But the thing is you don't really know the whole story by seeing the word "delinquent" on an envelope. It's something worth giving him the benefit of the doubt over if you don't have the details. At this point I'm not sure it's appropriate to bring it up. If he is in financial difficulty it will become very apparent as you get to know him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 2:52pm

blogggirl,


What will you tell him in this phone call?I think that finances are only supposed to be discussed in serious relationships. Is that what you want from him? Obviously if he is not getting much work then it is a possibility that he can fall behind on bills.


Money is extremely tight for many people out there now, so its not uncommon. Is this a deal breaker for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 3:28pm

cl-giana222,


On the phone call tonight, I wasn't going to bring up anything about money. I was just going to say I wanted to slow things down a bit. He did mention marriage a couple times and think that he shouldn't be talking like that so early in a relationship. I am no way ready to get married. I need to know more about him as I am sure he does too about me.


I know firsthand that money is tight. I was laid off from my job in early July. I have no money either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 3:33pm

Undercovercrab,


I agree with everything you said. I am not going to bring up finances over the phone tonight. I think I am just going to tell him I want to slow things down a bit. I understand the economy is bad now. I don't even have a job myself because I was laid off. I know I will find out later on if he isn't paying his bills. He is a good guy and I do like him. I feel bad for him if he is having a hard time. Life isn't easy sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2008
Sun, 10-11-2009 - 2:42pm

It does seem like he has money problems and it sounds like a deal-breaker for you. Is it? But what if he has an explanation and a plan to beat his financial trouble? I think you need the whole story before making a judgment. If you want to slow down, then by all means do. Decide if pursuing a relationship is worth it. But if the money issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2009
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 12:51am

I read your post and it reminded me of how i started a relationship with a guy. I was seeing a guy as well and started to notice letters from the irs and such over time. I didn't know what to do and didn't ask questions at first. Finally one day I asked him and he said "no no" and just laughed it off but i knew he was lying to me. I stopped seeing him. Three weeks later I find out he went through my stuff and got my social security number and opened joint credit card accounts with me as the primary. Luckily my bank has a social security protection program and caught him. I didn't even know someone can just open an account for you with just your social security number. He just seems to send me a lot of red flags and if he seems worth it to stick around and find out the truth about his expenses then do it if not cut your loses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 3:07pm

Hi raindrop09,


I guess the deal breaker would be if I find out he isn't fulfilling his financial obligations, which I really don't think is the case at all. He did tell me a little bit what all of those papers were on the table. They are now gone, well he says the ones he doesn't need any longer. If he is in financial trouble and tells me and explains his situation, I would never leave him. I would only leave him if he lied to me in any way. But I don't think he is that type of guy. Since I wrote the first post I have seen him 2 more times. We had lots of fun and I never brought up the papers on the table. I guess I will find out down the road if there is anything I need to know. I do know that with having your own business, things can be very tough and times are slow. He owns his own trucking business and I don't think he works every day. I wouldn't even know the first thing about owning my own business. I told him I thought very highly of him for pursuing that. He said he really wants to get into something else, because he is on the road way too much.


I really understand financial hardship because I am in it myself. I am 38 years old and had to move back in with my mom because I was laid off from my job in early July. I was really worried to tell him that I didn't have a job and was living with my mom, but he understands totally. Some guys would hear that and just run (in my opinion). I am not happy I have to live with my mom at this age, but it is the best thing for me to do until I get back on my feet.


That's great that you and your boyfriend could come up with a plan to get him back on track with money issues. I am the type of person that is that way too. I know all too well what it is like not to have alot of money. I want to be with someone I can relate to and love. So the only way I wouldn't think it would work out between us is if he would be lying to me and holding things from me, which I am almost 100% sure is not the case.


And yes, we are doing cheap dates. To me I don't care about extravagent things. I was never like that. I just want to be happy.


Thanks again for your reply,


blogggirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2008
Mon, 10-12-2009 - 3:14pm

Hi theyoungandconfused,


Wow, I am sorry to hear your boyfriend did that to you. I didn't know either that someone could take your soc. sec. # and open joint accounts. How long were you dating this guy until he did this to you? I would be sick about it. I hope everything is better and he didn't hurt your finances in any way. It's true, you really have to be careful when meeting someone new. Going into any potential relationship, you want to believe that things will be nice and rosy, but that sometimes isn't the case in life.


This guy I am dating does seem worth getting to know more and I am hoping things will turn out well between us.


Good luck to you in your relationship (if you have one now or future one).


blogggirl

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