Should we try celebacy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Should we try celebacy?
3
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 5:20pm
My bf and I are in our mid-40s and have been dating about a year and a half. The relationship only became intimate at the 1st of the year and the sex is incredible. We have both been married multiple times and are terrified of making another mistake. BF often teasingly tells me he thinks I only keep him around for the sex because I don't really talk about future plans. I guess I really am not yet completely sure I could be happy with him long-term but don't want to give him up either. Maybe we just need more time and try not to push anything, but at my age I don't want to waste a couple of years with someone I do not have a future with. I was thinking maybe we should try being celebate for a while to make sure we really do care about each other and are not just experiencing a strong physical attraction. Does anyone have any thoughts???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 6:08pm

No, I don't believe you should try celebacy. Besides, that chemistry and lust that can alter our vision does wane within a few months of being together. The sex life you have now should be based on your true feelings for each other. If you go celebate, you're simply skirting around the real issues - and will probably create even more problems.

Instead, delve into the specific issues that make you question whether or not he's the right man for you. Perhaps individual counselling should be investigated?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:25am
I think we are both so jaded by previous marriages and relationships that we are afraid of commitment, though I think we both want it. He thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread and too good to be true 99% of the time, but believes I would change if we were married. I am afraid that I will become unhappy like I did in my last marriage. He is totally different than my ex, though, and that is a good thing the majority of the time. His negative attributes are that he can be very opinionated and judgemental, and sometimes his attitude bothers me. He also has a very hateful side that shows up during an argument. But most of the time he is very attentive and loving. I guess we just need to give it more time before making any permanent decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 11:54am

Having been married and divorced, multiple times and at a young age, I can relate. My two cents. Go to couples counseling and work through these issues. The fears you two have, are NOT going to go away.

Try couples counseling for awhile. It won't hurt. If anything, you'll just discover the truth, and face your fears. Trust me, I was VERY scared to get married, even though I wanted it. It just freaked me out. And the closer it got, the more nitpicky I got about my bf. To the point of hating everything about him.

Therapy has helped me a lot. To understand my fears, my bad choices, etc. And my bf would go with me to couples therapy, so my therapist could understnad my problems WITH HIM.

If you two relaly wanna make a go of it, I'd go into therapy, both individual to understand your past mistakes, to learn from them, and to understand your fear....and couples therapy, to make sure you truly are right for one another.