shut out cold by new guy, why???
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 6:42pm |
I met this guy about 2 weeks ago and things were more than incredible between us. I literally used up my all my monthly cell minutes and over-exceeded my text message limit within 1 week talking to him. It was surreal communicating with him because stereotypically guys loathe the phone. He would text me all through out the day, beginning with "good morning" and ending with "good night." Like clock work he would call me driving home from work and then again before we went to bed. We seriously vocally communicated for 4-5 hours a day. At first, I was flattered that he called me all the time and wanted to talk forever. Then I began to feel a bit suffocated by his constant contact, especially since we were talking about a lot of personal things. It felt like he was thinking we were dating when we had not been on a first date yet.
We were supposed to have our first date this past Friday, but he ended up having to cancel due to work. I went out with some friends and ended up texting him while I was out. I told him I missed him and wish we were hanging out. He was weirded out because I was never that open with him (he was the one always saying that to me). It seemed like he didn't believe me. My thinking is he thinks I only want to see him when I'm drunk which I tried to assure him is not true. I saw him briefly out the next night and we ended up getting into a fight (didn't help we were both inebriated). I sensed something was the matter but he kept refusing to say why. He did relay one reason why he was tiffed with me. One of my friends asked him why he wasn't talking to me and how he should. He blew it out of proportion making it sound as if she yelled at him (which was not the case according to her). I told him I was not to blame because I did not provoke her to say anything. I said I cannot help for having over protective friends.
The next day we texted each other holding our own ground about what happened the previous night. I tried to assure him that I do care about him and he did not respond. I was angry with him the following day and texted him how I couldn't believe how defensive he is and how I did not think he is as genuine as he seemed to be. Of course I felt bad about that, so I called him the next day leaving a message apologizing for the angry text and told him I missed him and wanted to work things out. I ended it saying I find it hard to believe that we can communicate about everything else except this difficulty. I told him how after our connection it is hard to believe he doesn't care about me anymore. It has been 2 days since my last call and I have heard nothing. I don't know if he will respond and don't know if I should contact him again.
I know he's been horribly hurt in the past and don't know if that has anything to do with his shutting me out. Is there hope for us working things out in the future? I really like him and can't accept him not caring for me after last week. I know we only knew each other one week, but I have never communicated with a guy on the hour for a week! Especially, since he was the one initiating the calls and text messages. Help!

I don't know what to tell you. If after a week this is how your "r'ship" already is, AND you haven't even had a date, I'd just let it go.
I'm sorry to sound mean, I"m not trying to be. Nor am I trying to discount how you feel about him. But the reality remains. You've talked for a week, CONSTANTLY, you THINK you know him when in truth you don't, and you haven't even been on a date, and you two are already fighting.
If you can communicate about everything BUT this, you have issues, BIG BIG issues. Because, can you imagine if things got even worse in the r'ship? I can't imagine how he'd shut you out then.
As of now, you look like some crazy woman, and he's running. He looks like some crazed man, but you're chasing after him. I hate to say it, but if after a week, this is your r'ship, I'd hide and run too.
I would say, leave him be. Stop texting him and stuff. Dont' call, don't text, don't IM, nothing. See what happens. If he TRULY wants to see if things could be "normal" with you two, he'll call. If he doesn't, you have your answer, "he's just not interested anymore".
Talking 24/7 for a week, doesn't equate love, nor even knowing the person. You only know what he told you, NOT the truth of his actions (meaning how he acts in real life, around ppl, with you, etc). Actually, you ARE seeing his actions. He's blowing you off.
hugs.
~pineapple_girl
Damn it you are right. Hey I take no offense for people coming off mean on these boards. Real advice is what I am looking for (whether it is good or bad). I know talking for a week does not equate a r'shp, but it is rare to find men who can maintain a conversation of substance (for at least more than 5 minutes). I can proudly say I have never experienced anything like this phone affair before. Maybe that's why I found it so intriguing and became attached too soon. The first night we met, he seemed so sweet and sincere. I had a chance to hang out with him and talk to him for a few hours before the phone affair.
I know I probably seem like a crazy woman but it is absolutely frustrating when someone completely shuts you out with no explanation. How ironic that we can talk about anything and everything, but as soon as one problem appears, we can't say anything about it. It was surreal when it happened and still can't believe it did. I even thought about how dumb I was going to look after I left him that mean text and calling him the next day to apologize. It was something I had to do because I never have gone after what I wanted. Trust me when I say I have no intentions on contacting him again. I don't think he is going to contact me at all because if he truly cared about me he would have already. I have learned a lot from this situation, especially to be able to let my vulnerable side show. I have always been too proud to let my true feelings out and now that I did, I feel a bit stronger.
Perhaps I'm an old fashioned girl, but text messaging is bound to end in heartache and confusion. While it's easy to express "wish you were here" sentiments without being misunderstood, discussing problems with text is going to be a disaster. You loose all the tone and body language that helps smooth a disagreement over. And texting in anger is really bad form.
Discussing issues while drunk is also dumb on both your parts, because you will both say things that you regret.
I think that you also should have taken responsibility for your 'busy body' friend. The poor guy was probably frightened that if he has a disagreement with you, then he's also got your friends to deal with. Scary thought LOL. Honestly, a much better way of dealing with that situation would have been to reply "I'm so sorry that she interfeared. I'll speak to her and make sure that she minds her own business in future"
Apologising is a good place to start and you've done that. If he does decide to call you, then stop the text communication, don't argue when drunk and keep your friends in line.
I know you already have decided to not continue pursuign this guy but...
Let me share a little secret with you about men. You know how you said, "but it is rare to find men who can maintain a conversation of substance (for at least more than 5 minutes)." This is true of most men, especially over the phone as you mentioned in your OP, most men hate the phone. Notice how the only man you ran into that did chase you and talk to you constantly on the phone turned out to be well... psycho.
Make note of that trend. MOST (not all) men who are all over you all the time and are "romantic" and "in touch with their feminine side" and "open about their feelings", ESPECIALLY those that are this way from day one, are PYSCHO.
If a man is actually managing to make a WOMAN (who love and crave attention and emotional bonding) feel claustrophobic and suffocated in TWO WEEKS, this is a GIANT NEON FLASHING sign that says, RUN AWAY!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!! In all likelihood the guy is a needy clingy emotional midget who will freak at the first sign of your emotional independence (i.e. that is you aren't as desparately needy as he is) For example, he cancels a date and it's no big deal to you you go out with your friends.
Personally, shortly after college I began to realize that the guys that come off as Mr Perfect and know all the right things to say and do and ESPECIALLY the ones that "share their feelings" right from the start. You know the ones that hit you with, "I've never felt like this with anyone before. I feel like we've known each other for years. Is it just em or do you sense this strong connectin too." also, men who refer to having sex as "making love". These are the men we love to fall for when we're young.
They tend to break down a little like this 5-7% - genuinely nice guys who had a lot of strong women figures in their life and not a lot of strong male role models, 35-43 % actual emotionally damaged and desparate for approval and love (or what passes as love to them) these you have to REALLY watch for becasue they tend to suck you in becasue you think they just need love, often these guys turn out to be emotionally and/or physically abusive, 50-60% PLAYERS, they know what to say and what a lot of girls fall for and they use that to their advantage to hook you and then once they've got you, or they've gotten what they want from you, they dump you.
I know this sounds like a bitter monologue and I promise you it's not. I'm happily engaged and I thankfully, managed to avoid falling for this throughout most of my dating life. It's just something I've seen happen a LOT.
How dare he act like such a jerk...but even more, how dare YOU treat yourself so badly. You deserve to meet someone special, and him talking and text messaging you for a week does not make him special. It makes him desperate to have a connection with a woman but too socially retarded to have a relationship with one. He's a loser, and he's making you look nuts...so do yourself a favor and forget about him. DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER AGAIN...he is not who you want.
I know talking to someone for hours can make you get attached. He got ya just where he wanted ya, then ran off. Again, he's a loser. Let him run himself off a cliff.
Sorry, I'm very sarcastic and honest. Hope you find this even a little helpful, and take comfort in knowing there are lots of men out there waiting to meet you and make you happy.
Red