similar or different?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
similar or different?
6
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 12:47pm

So here's a question regarding something I've been thinking about today. Basically, what has worked better for you: dating someone very much like you, or someone who's very different (opposites attract kinda thing)?

Here's my experience: I dated a guy for a while who was exactly like me. We enjoyed the same activities, we completely agreed on religion (I have kind of different views on religion), we were both liberals, had similar friends, similar majors, everything (we even play the same musical instrument). We seemed like the perfect match. And then for some reason he just broke up with me and said it wasn't working. Hrm.

My current boyfriend, whom I love dearly, is very different from me. His political views are very conservative, he's Catholic (I'm more into Eastern religions), he's very into sports (I usually couldn't care less), he loves rap while I only listen to rock, and other random things like that. But for some reason, we've had a deep connection for a long time and often know what the other is thinking without being told.

I'm just wondering what has worked for other people. I'm sure some find their perfect match with someone very similar to themselves while others have more luck with opposites. (But I guess I should mention that my current boyfriend and I generally share the same values and morals ... I believe that people must at least share that to be in a good relationship.) Which kind of guy would you rather date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 1:30pm

Hi lowrigoch!

Pianoguy wanted to respond to your question...simply because he doesn't believe there's a ONE SIZE FITS ALL answer to it!

I think 2 people are initially drawn together because of one or two interests or similarities. However, these could be connected to a number of things---like hobbies, morals, politics, strong lifestyle views, religion, etc. What KEEPS people together is their ability to accept (and sometimes tolerate) behavior or points of view that MIGHT make them uncomfortable? TRUE LOVE for someone else will often be stronger than whether we enjoy sitting through a baseball game or an operatic performance.....especially if we HATE both?

While Paula Abdul indicated in one of her earlier songs that "OPPOSITES ATTRACT"---it's very possible that you're 'so much in love with your current boyfriend'---that this FEELING overrides any interests that differ from yours?

I agree with you on the issue of values and morals. Most of us can't be "comfortable" if our partner doesn't possess v's and m's that are considerably different from the ones we have!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 3:48pm

Well, I never said there was a "one size fits all" answer. I even said that I was sure that people had found love with both types of partners. I was just curious what different people found attractive about someone a lot like them or someone very different. I wasn't really looking for a dissertation on love.

For example, I actually enjoy that my boyfriend has very different interests because (a) it gives me new things to experience; and (b) I actually enjoy playful arguing and so we get into "fights" all the time over things we disagree on. Some of our friends hate our bickering, but we know it's all in good fun and I think it can be a good source of sexual tension. There was just no tension with my last boyfriend because we agreed on *everything* and if I ever felt like disagreeing he would get a little bit offended.

Anyway, that's all I was asking about: people's personal stories. But thanks for sharing your opinons on the issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 7:03pm
Maybe married people are the best sources of info on this since they have actually made lifetime commitments to their partners! However, my opinion, as a person who has never been married, is that it's more fun and interesting to be with someone who's opposite because it lets you see the world in a new way and helps you be a more broadminded person. Like other people mention, though, I think having similar values and morals is an important aspect of long-term compatibility. Without similar values and morals - the only thing that really holds two people together is an unhealthy obsession. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 10:19pm

in my life, I have dated all. Total opposites, exactly alike. And well, my conclusion on what would WORK for me, if/when I find it............

Is someone who's emotionally more like me, but who has somewhat different likes. I like when we have a few in common, major things. i.e. with me and bf, we love golf and cars. Our thing is golfing. We enjoy that activity togheter. However, someone with VASTLY diff likes, I doubt I'd go for. I need things in common.

Values HAVE to be the same. Future lifestyle has to be the same. Future WANTS have to be the same too.

Personality though........I'd like someone more on the opposite side. I want someone to complement me, not balance me, and not be a true opposite either.

So.......with bf, his personality is opposite of mine. It waS very eye-opening, but I don't think it's going to keep us going. Likes, he's my best friend, THAT sustains our r'ship. So do our same values and wants in life.

I'd like a balance, in all the right areas. :)

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 8:26am

Well, I'm about to get married so I can tell you what worked for me. I found someone who has a simialr life "philosophy" to my own. We don't always have similar interests but we love and care about each other and want to see each other happy and we are interested in what makes each other happy.

For example, my fiance LOVES drag racing and building high performance cars. I find it interesting but I cna only take so much before my brain overflows with new car knowledge and I become bored silly. BUT I want to be supportive. So when he's at the track all day I get up at the bitt crack of dawn and go with him, but around 11:00, when he's other car buddies are there and when the outlet mall around the corner from the track opens I go meet a girlfriend for lunch and go shopping. I come back just in time to start watching him race. I get the break I need from the track and I get to be there to support him.

He knows I like monkeying in other people's business a bad habit I indulge here at ivillage. He can handle my ivillage tales for about 30 minutes before his eyes glaze over and he goes into a comma. But for that 30 minutes he does his best to show interest and ask questions.

I think the important think is we have the same views on relationships and life an how we want to live. We have a similar tolerance for risk. Something a lot of couples don't consider but can make a relationship tricky at best. Imagine one of you being a free spirirt who has moved around a lot and is total okay picking up and moving to another state for a fresh start without jobs or a plan and the other having never left they town they grew up and wanting to always live there and always having a plan. This would NOT be fun for long because how would you ever find a way to balance each others needs.

Which is one of the real keys to a relationship. Being able to communicate your needs to one another and finding a constructive way to balance those needs where neither partner feels as though they are sacraficing their happiness for the other.

So while I, personally, find matchy-matchy relationships pretty boring I firmly believe that in fundamental ways agreement or at least a healthy tolerence and respect for the differences is critical if the relationship is to last. A relationship just doesn't work unless BOTH people feel their needs are adequately cared for and prioritized.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 8:54am
I'm no expert but in my opinion, it's important to be complimentary to one another. Not opposites or carbon copies... just balanced. Obviously there are fundamental values you shouldn't give up but as far as personality goes, I think it's best when you compliment one another well.