Sleeping with the enemy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Sleeping with the enemy?
8
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:39am

What are your opinions of having sex with an ex? Especially one you were in love with and it ended with alot of confusion as to why it ended (long term). My exbf has recently started sending me silly text messages, suggestive ones and casual funny ones,also talking to me differently, like when we first met prior to going out. I know there are plenty of women out there he has met, or can meet that he could have sex with or hang with, but why is he after me again? He is the one who moved out. Is it a control thing for guys, that they just want to know if they "could" have us back even if they don't want us back for another long run? We were together a year and a half, he moved out three months ago.

I have NOT taken him up on his offer, I am doing all I can to maintain my sanity just dealing with him day to day as a friend. Was just wondering why guys do this? How do I respond NO and not sound like a BI...?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 10:14am

Most guys do it for an ego boost, and because it's easier (less work) than going out and finding someone new.

Sleeping with him would be a huge mistake since you still have feelings for him. Cut off all contact...who *cares* if he thinks you're a you know what, you need to protect YOURSELF, and even talking to him is not a good idea.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:22am

Was just wondering why guys do this?
**They do it, because they know how to sweet talk you and get you into bed (not saying you'll go, but they know YOUR tricks, versus someone else's). To them, you're an easy lay. And he knows you sexually, so it's just easier.

How do I respond NO and not sound like a BI...?
**Easily, say, "I'm not your gf anymore and therefore, we won't have sex ever again." I wouldn't say that's bitchy. In fact, I would say, that's just you being honest and to the point.

BTW, only have sex IF you have absolutely no feelings for him, because trust me, once he has sex with you and KNOWS he can have sex with you, that's how he'll treat you, as a piece of meat. It will be nothing like a r'ship you'd hope to have. BTDT.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 3:12pm

Whats wrong with sounding like a bytch??!!! lol TELL HIM HOW U REALLY FEEL & SAY NO.

He moved out, so im assuming he dumped you maybe??? Either way you both broke up and its over. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Thats how men think. They know they "got" you when they can dump you and easily come back to still have sex with you.

Dont sleep with him, it IS always a control thing with a guy. He wants the friends with benefits thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:12pm

Thank you to all who responded. You are all right. I can't have sex with him because I still love him and to me it is tied emotionally. I can't have sex with someone I don't care for like some can. It's not a bad thing for others, just something I can't do. I told him when he moved out I would not be a FWB. He has one from his past, and I remember how he talked about her..........just a warm body till he got over so and so. That is what confuses me. I'm not a warm body to just get over me........I am me that he is trying to get over. Yes, he did the "dumping" so to speak. Is for the best, no doubt. I'm just filled with them right now. Must have been the full moon recently!

I will take all advice received and come up with a combination of all to respond to his next text or conversation that even suggests "hooking up"

thanks again for the helping shoulders to lean on!

Shimie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 3:05pm

Shimie N' Shake,

The other posters are right, except it's not quite that complicated. Yeah other reasons may be involved here for him trying to have sex with you, but let's be honest here, he's doing it for one main reason: He wants sex with no committment. What does almost every man want? It really is that basic and simple, not to mention SAD.

And yes he might be able to go out and "get laid" elsewhere, but he knows you, and he thinks you're going to be an easy lay since he's had you in the past. Plus he thinks since he did the dumping and he knows your feelings are still at least somewhat involved, he thinks you might even be desperate. Little does he know, you've got a secret weapon on your side.... iVillage! Dun, dun, da, DA!

What he doesn't know is that you aren't desperate, you don't need his CRAPPY BAD sex, you aren't going to give it to a guy who just wants a "warm body". He's just got crazy hormones. I don't think it's so much the ego boost thing or the control thing, though that has maybe something to do with it. It's more just a "He's-horny-so-he-wants-someone-to-get-it-on-with thing". The answer to you is the answer we all give to most of the people seeking advice here: Deny the jerk and go find someone who'll treat you better.

Good luck,
-MFG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:37pm

MFG.......you are SO right! You should see the smile on my face right now! Nice to hear a male point of view to this, although I agreed with the women too. It's almost like you read his text's! Yes, he's taking advantage of my feelings, but really he's just plain horny. Kinda makes it funny to think he's really not all that out in the big swingers world out there, or he wouldn't be going after me again. I am older than he is...........guess the youngin's out there aren't always better!!!

Thank you thank you. I don't need to respond to him anymore. I can just look at him, smile and walk away. Leave him guessing, "what the heck..."

Let me know If i can ever repay you the favor of wisdom and laughter!

Shimie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 10:51pm

I agree 100% with midwestflyguy and I'm glad you do too.

If I were you, I would not be friends with your ex. He's not your friend. He wants to sleep with you without any committment or consideration for your feelings. I repeat, He's Not Your Friend!!!

You don't have to be nice or polite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 8:24am
Thanks for that reminder of friendship. I have had many false friends in my life and I have removed them from my life. My xbf is hard to let go of, but I know it's only because of the good memories, I need to remember how it ended. Enough of the users and takers. We work for the same company, but I don't see him everyday. This past week I have been keeping work as work and RE-detoxing myself from him and whatever game he is trying to play. Thanks to all you wonderful people here on the boards, I have regained my strength and resolve to move on and out of his life........